Splitting Sky
by sensitive touchdown
Summary: AU: Dear diary, today I woke up next to a man, whom I had never seen before. :: KandaAllen & EveryoneAllen ::
1. First Mistake: I slept with a man

**S**plitting** S**ky

**W**arnings : explicit yaoi, which means men loving men. Typos and stuff. Please note that this story is _AU_, which means it has no connection to the ordinary storyline of D.Gray-man.  
**P**airings : KandaAllen as main, LaviAllen, TykiAllen and almost everyone(male)xAllen.  
**D**isclaimer : Me no own. :(

* * *

**F**irst** M**istake : I slept with a man 

My head felt funny as I woke up. It felt as if I had been hit by a car. Or rather a truck. A_goddamn_ large truck.

I tried opening my eyes, but even the slightest ray of light stung painfully. And all these symptoms would have made sense if I had had a hangover. But I have only once drunk alcohol. Call me a wuss, but I'd rather keep my memories of last night than get wasted and wake up in a ditch.

Suddenly unfamiliar cologne, which definitely wasn't mine, filled my nostrils. At that point, I tore my eyelids wide open, not caring the pain that set in. I looked around, not recognizing my surroundings at all. This definitely wasn't my bedroom. But the clothes lying on the floor, however, were mine. They were the only things I could recognize.

I tried to straighten my back and sit up, but a pain shot through my spine and my lower regions. I let out a loud yelp and pressed my back against the mattress. This was not a normal situation at all. He was supposed to wake up in his own bed, most preferably alone, and head for a coffee shop nearby a cinema, since he had been working there ever since he quit the school.

I lied still for a moment, listening to the noises in the unknown apartment. When I listened close enough, I could hear water running somewhere. That's when I decided that I should make my leave once I still had the chance.

Whatever I had done last night, would never happen again. What I can't see, doesn't exist.

Even though the pain was mind numbing, I managed to drag myself out of the bed and pull my boxers on. But as I reached for my shirt, the door in front of me opened and revealed a man with tanned skin and a towel wrapped around his waist. I thanked God I had had enough common sense to put on my boxers.

"Leaving already?" The man asked with a deep masculine voice, as he ran his hand through his curly hair, "A pity."

I gulped, as the man walked past me and to his drawer. He pulled it open and took a shirt and boxers out. I turned my head away in embarrassment, as I had no idea what I had to do with the man. I had never seen him before, so how come I ended up in his bed, having a hangover-like feeling? I had no idea, but I decided against asking the dark-haired man.

"What's wrong, pet?" The man stated playfully, making chills run down my spine. _Pet_?! At that point, I was not so sure if I wanted to find out what I had been doing last night. I pulled my shirt over my head and grabbed my jeans. I could feel a pair of eyes watching closely my each movement and soon the cool voice broke the air again, "I see that all of your enthusiasm is gone now. Last night you were so full of energy, Allen."

How does he know my name? I questioned myself and dropped my guard for a moment, "E-energy…?" I choked, not intending to say it out loud. I quickly turned my head away and tried to stand up, but found it almost impossible. But before I could help it, the man walked to my side and helped me to stand up. All I could do was mutter, "Thanks…"

"You're welcome." Was what I got as a reply. I pulled up my jeans slowly, to avoid a jerking pain in my lower back. The man was looking down at me, I could tell without even glancing at his direction. After a moment he spoke once again, "You seem somewhat different."

I wanted to say _hell yeah, what did you expect? Waking up naked in a strange place to a rapist looking man,_ but I restrained myself and only smiled and shrugged my shoulders. Honestly, this had to be a bad dream. I blinked my eyes and looked away from the man, as I realized I had been staring at him, "Uh, I guess I should leave then…"

And I thought it would be over. That I would never have to see the man, who I didn't actually even know, ever again. But he grabbed my hand and pulled me back. I was forced to press my body against his chest, as he ran his hand through my white hair.

"I'll drop by the coffee shop sometime today." He said quietly, as he leaned in. My eyes widened, as his' closed, as he pressed his soft lips against mine. His tongue swept across my bottom lip, probably hoping to gain an entrance to my mouth. But instead of obliging, I just stood still, frozen and confused to the pulp.

This was definitely _not_ normal.

Luckily he seemed to realize my awkwardness and pulled away soon. I tried not to look relieved, as I smiled and squirmed free from his grasp and walked toward the door, which I assumed to lead me out of the bedroom. The dark-haired man, whose name was still unknown to me, walked behind me, almost breathing down on my neck.

I tried not to look lost, as I tried to find my way to the front door. With my poor sense of direction and in a place where I had never been before, I was as good as lost.

"Allen, where're you going?"

I turned around as the man called my name. I let out an awkward chuckle and hurried to the direction where he motioned. I saw my shoes on the floor and my long black coat left lying on the floor. My lower back was still aching, and I was positive that I made it pretty clear by the way I walked. Seriously, I had never experienced such pain before.

"Do you need a pill?" The man asked slightly humorous, as he watched my painful limping, "I didn't think I was that rough to you last night."

I felt my face paling. I did _not_ want to think what we could have been doing last night. And with a _man_ for God's sake!

"I could use a painkiller, thanks…" I mumbled politely, since I didn't wish to get too friendly with the man. I could see a smirk cross his lips, as he disappeared somewhere and returned soon with a glass of water and a white pill on his palm. I took them gratefully and quickly placed the pill in my mouth and drank a gulp of the lukewarm water.

I didn't first even notice as the man came dangerously close to me and placed his other hand against a wall and supported his weight on it. He was still wearing only a towel around his waist, but I tried not to pay any attention on it. Instead I handed the glass back to him and pulled my coat on.

"B-bye." I said and mentally added, _have a nice life_, but it was against my nature.

But then again, sleeping with strangers is against my nature as well.

I was more than happy, as the man made no attempts to prevent me from leaving.

* * *

"Lenalee?" I called out to my co-worker, as I stepped into the empty coffee shop. It was still closed, but only for a couple more minutes. 

"Allen?" A girl with short black hair stood up from behind a dark wooden counter and smiled at me. But her smile froze in a break of second and she gasped, "What's happened to you! You look terrible!!"

I hadn't managed to take a look at myself, but I knew I could trust her words. I must look just as horrible as I felt. The feeling of being overrun by a truck was slowly fading, but the unknown happenings of last night made him feel nauseous. He didn't want to believe he had gone_ that_ far with the man. But as I recalled the way the man treated me, I was almost sure that, yes, we had gone exactly _that_ far.

"I'm sorry, I guess I shouldn't show up looking like this…" I apologized, as I could not think of anything else to say. I walked to the counter and sat down. Lenalee had grabbed a cup and poured coffee in it and offered it to me. Without hesitation I took the cup, but somehow could not bring myself to drink it.

"Honestly, what's wrong, Allen?" Lenalee asked, as she came from behind the counter. She sat down beside me, her hand reassuringly pressing against my shoulder, "You look terrible."

I managed to smile a little, as I finally took a sip of my coffee. It tasted good and almost instantly I started to feel more awake. I looked at my co-worker, who was a friend of some sort as well, "To be honest with you, I'm not sure myself. Is it normal to wake up in an unfamiliar bed with a stranger barging into the room half naked?"

Lenalee slapped her palm over her mouth to stop a loud laugh from erupting from her. She coughed and gave me an understanding look, "I wouldn't say it is normal. But a classical way to end an eventful night, I'd say."

I didn't mention about the stranger being a man on purpose, as I figured it would only damage Lenalee's brain cells. So I shrugged and said, "I guess." although I didn't agree with her at all. It was not a classical way to me. I don't do partying. And I definitely don't sleep with other men.

"Oh, look at the time." Lenalee gasped and stood up from her chair, "We need to open the doors and clean up the tables before customers come in. C'mon, one night stands are nothing to worry about. Probably the one you spend your night with doesn't remember you at all."

But he_ does_ remember, I thought sullenly, but only smiled and nodded my head, "You're right."

As Lenalee hurried off somewhere, I quickly made my way to the men's restroom, before any customers barged in. I examined my face from a large mirror, slightly relieved to see that I didn't look as bad as I had assumed. True, I looked dead tired and my eyes were bloodshot. My hair was a mess, but after running my hand through my white locks, it started to look more like my hair than a bush caught in a storm.

After splashing ice cold water against my face, I went back to help Lenalee with opening the coffee shop.

But no matter how hard I tried, I could not recall the happenings of last night.

* * *

That day my concentration at work was questionable. I tried to smile, but somehow I ended up staring into nothingness whenever my thoughts strayed from the task at hand. My employer and Lenalee's older brother, Komui had to kick me in the shin more than once and remind me about the customers, who were starting to look unhappy without their coffees. 

But I could not stop thinking about the man I met this morning. How could I just end up in his bed? Maybe he was one of those lunatic rapists who appeared on the news all the time. The kind that drugged your drink and carried you home. I felt chills run down my spine and I had to shake my head. As if someone would like to rape me. That's just twisted…

"Oi, beansprout."

Suddenly all of the disturbing thoughts were gone and my attention was focused at one man sitting by the counter, dully staring at me. My eyebrow's furrowed and I narrowed my eyes at the man, "How many times I have to tell you not to call me that, Kanda."

"I'm not getting any service here today, am I?" Kanda sighed and pushed his hair behind his shoulder. His long dark hair was up in a high ponytail and he was dressed like a character escaped from the Matrix series. Well, not quite but close. I had always wondered how he could get away with having a ponytail and long black coat and still have girls running after him.

"Well if you keep that up, you probably won't." I stated teasingly, as I turned around and saw Komui staring nastily at me. With a defeated sigh I forced myself to turn back around and smile, "Okay, I was just kidding. I need to pay this month's rent so I can't afford getting fired from my job."

Kanda smirked, as he leaned his elbows on the counter and gazed off into distance.

It was something about that man that made me feel weird. At first he came to the coffee shop only occasionally, but now he's been showing up every day. But as he always came to sit by the bar counter, we never spoke much. He would start reading newspaper or a book, while I served the customers. Lenalee never ceased to tease me about it though. She always kept saying 'he's so in love with you' or 'did you see the _look_ he gave you'.

I hummed a random song quietly as I prepared the coffee Kanda always took. A normal cup of coffee with cardamom flavor and a little bit of whipped cream dipped in it. I could never understand how anyone could drink something like that, but that seemed to be the only thing Kanda liked to drink.

"Here you go." I gave Kanda his drink and tried to steal a glance of what he was reading today.

"Thanks, beansprout." He muttered, before taking a sip of his coffee.

I balled my fists and leaned toward him and raised my voice, "W-why you…!! I'm trying to be nice here!"

"Don't try too hard or your brain cells might be in danger." Kanda smirked a little and I could see him enjoying the situation, "_Beansprout_."

I don't know whether I should be worried about the quiet voice in the back of my head, telling me to hurt him. But in the end, I wasn't that _mad_. Everything the dark-haired man said just made me feel nervous. And yes, Lenalee loved to tease me about that too.

Speaking of the devil, she winked at me from the other side of the coffee shop. I immediately looked away. She really needed to get a life. Or a boyfriend. Or maybe both. She really, _really,_ needed to stop pairing me up with every good-looking guy who walked into the coffee shop.

I am most definitely not interested in men.

I glanced at Kanda, who peacefully read the book he had brought with him today. Kanda was Kanda. An annoying person, who happened to like spending time in the coffee shop and whose life seemed to be perfectly content when he was able to ruin my day. Sometimes I wonder if I could talk Komui to ban him from this coffeehouse.

The bell above the coffee shop's entrance rang and I turned my head just in time to see a man with a huge bouquet of flowers enter. I frowned and squeezed a dirty rag, which happened to be the only thing in my hands.

"Are you Allen Walker?" The man asked, as he placed the bouquet on the counter. I shuddered, wondering if I had accidentally slept with him too. But the man only scoffed and gave me a clipboard with a paper attached to it, "I need yer signature."

"Flowers? From who?" Asked Lenalee, who had made her way back to the counter.

I quickly wrote my name on the paper, before handing the clipboard back to the deliveryman, who bid his farewells and left. Lenalee giggled and poked my shoulder, anxiously waiting for me to say something.

I glanced at the bouquet of roses and other flowers, which names I didn't know. I noticed a small note attached to the bouquet and with a small tug it came off. I brought it close to my face and read the beautiful handwriting:

_Last night was unforgettable. In for an encore?_

_P.S. I'm sorry for not being able to come by today. Not to worry though, I will come tomorrow, that I promise._

"I-It's h-him…!" I gasped, before I could stop myself. The note dropped from my hands, as I grabbed the bouquet and almost threw it to a trash bin, but Lenalee snatched the flowers from me and picked up the note from the floor. My eyes widened, "Lenalee, give me those—…!"

Much to my surprise, Kanda had stood up and walked over to Lenalee, trying to steal a glance of the note she was reading, "Who in their right minds would send flowers to beansprout?"

"H-hey, stop that!" I tried to steal back the flowers and the note, but Kanda stretched his arm out and kept me from approaching Lenalee. Damn, I should have known that they would co-operate against me. I pouted and tried to reach out for the bouquet, "C'mon, stop it!"

"_An encore_?" Lenalee pressed her palm against her mouth to smother her giggles, "Wow, Allen. I never thought you'd be like that. Must be that nice attitude of yours that hides all of your naughtiness."

"Lenalee!!" I raised my voice and covered my ears. The way her voice was a little pitched and her eyes glittered made me seriously want her to stop. It was not a good time for her rant of my sexual orientation, especially when Kanda was standing behind her. His eyebrow was slightly arched, although he tried to look uninterested.

"How very fascinating." Kanda mumbled, as he took the small note from Lenalee and quickly read it, his expression barely changing, "A beansprout with a horny admirer. And I always thought only women receive flowers from their lovers. Maybe beansprout's orientation is not the only thing we should recheck."

"Shut it!" I started to feel nervous. They were ganging up against me! I pulled the flowers to my chest and pouted a little, "I'm not a woman. And I'm perfectly straight as well."

Lenalee giggled and Kanda only shrugged his shoulders apathetically, before walking back to his seat by the counter and sunk back to what he was reading. I gave Lenalee the _look_, saying that I would deal with her later. The dark-haired girl only shrugged her shoulders, before picking up a rag and going off to clean the tables.

I sighed and looked at the flowers, "…I prefer sunflowers anyway…" I lifted the trash bin's lid and threw the bouquet away. I did not need flowers from unknown men who I may have slept with. And I would definitely not repeat that same mistake, whatever that might have been.

And for the rest of the day, I avoided Lenalee's eyes and ignored Kanda's 'beansprout' comments.

* * *

As I came home, it took me a while to open the front door. 

I had always hated being at home. Even when I was living with my foster father, Mana, I preferred to go out and play with my friends. I loved sleepovers at my friends' houses, because that way I didn't have to be home. And when Mana asked me why I could not spend time with him at home, I could not tell him why.

And I still can't. Even now that I have moved and not with Mana anymore, the feeling is still there.

I took off my coat and threw it to my couch, before walking to my small kitchen and checking the fridge's contents. It was almost empty, like always. After all, I hardly spend anytime at my apartment. Lenalee sometimes brought me groceries, after deciding that I was 'too skinny' or 'not eating healthy enough'. Of course I appreciated her efforts to help me, but I just could not stay here.

With a small yawn, I closed the fridge's door and headed to my bedroom, which only included a bed with thin mattress, a nightstand with a lamp and a small shelf for clothes.

I sat down on my bed and pulled out a small journal from underneath my pillow. I know it was girlish and maybe even stupid, but every now and then I liked to write down the happenings of the day. It helped me to remember things, I could easily forget and reminded me of how the world around me, as well as myself, changed constantly.

So I picked up a ballpoint pen and searched for a blank page,

_Dear diary,_

_Today I woke up next to man, whom I had not seen before. I do not know how I ended up next to him or what I did last night, but it surely felt horrible in the morning. But it will never happen again. I'm content as I am and I do not need any more trouble in my life._

After writing the small entry, I threw the diary, as well as the pen to my nightstand. I pulled my shirt over my head and stretched my arms. My lower back felt a little sore, as well as my neck. I wondered if it was because of the incident in the morning. As my thoughts were drifting back to the subject, I did _not_ want to think about, I shook my head to calm myself.

I didn't want to think about _him_, whoever he was, just when I was going to sleep.

But as I pulled my coverlet all way up to my ears, I suddenly felt very afraid.

It felt like it used to feel when I was younger and my foster father had already fallen asleep. It was the moment I felt alone and afraid of falling asleep. What if I started to sleepwalk in the middle of night and walk out of the door and end up in a snowy ditch? Or what if a murderer broke into my house and murdered me while I was asleep? What if I would never wake up again?

Of course those thoughts had always been silly, even back then when I was a lot younger. But right now I felt the same. If I closed my eyes, would I still be in my own bed or would I find myself next to a man who I didn't know?

These thoughts running through my head, I tossed and turned around for hours to no end, until I fell into reluctant slumber.

* * *

_To be continued..._

Author's ending notes: Ohh, I'm somehow kind of satisfied with how this chapter came out. :) Please do review.


	2. Second Mistake: I did it again

**S**plitting** S**ky

Warnings for the chapter: A little noncon love and very jealous Kanda.

* * *

**S**econd **M**istake : I did it again 

I opened my eyes and a royal headache was the first thing that greeted me. Well, very good fucking morning to you too, sunshine. I groaned and shut my eyes tight and rolled over. I recognized my thin mattress and my pillows, even with my eyes closed. I inhaled deep breath, so relieved that I did not wake up in a bed in an unknown place.

But as I rolled over to my stomach, my hand collided with something. Oh, scratch that, _someone_. But since it was morning, my senses worked awfully slow and I lied there for a good moment, before realizing that there was _someone_ in _my_ bed.

I propped myself on my elbows and slowly opened my eyes, the enormous headache only taunting me to shut them again. But as soon as I saw a turf of very unfamiliar red hair, I jumped to my feet and almost fell on the floor while doing so. Cold air touched my naked body and I quickly pulled my coverlet and wrapped it around myself.

And just as I had thought, there was someone in my bed. Someone with scarlet hair and their back turned at me. By the board shoulders and overall well-built body, I could tell that this one was a man too.

_And_ I probably had slept with him too, since I felt the same kind of stinging feeling in my abdomen.

A nauseous feeling overwhelmed me and I had to cover my mouth with my palm to prevent throwing up. I had done _it_ again. With someone I have never even seen before.

I was wondering what I should do next, scream, murder or just throw the guy out, while the man on my bed turned around and yawned. An eye patch covered his other eye, but the visible eye opened and stared straight at me, while I could do nothing but pull the blanket tighter around my shoulders and smile awkwardly.

"Good morning!" The redhead said with a large smile, "Why dontcha come back to bed for a while?"

I shuddered, although I tried to restrain myself. I tried to think positively, but the only thing my mind registered was an unknown man in my room. How could this keep happening? Seriously, where did all these men come from?

"I-I…" I muttered, my throat dry and my ability to speak seemed to have left me. I gripped on my coverlet and tried not to look at the other man's naked body. My palms became sweaty, as I took an awkward and somewhat painful step backwards, hoping that I could escape my room and my apartment, "…I… I need to head for work…"

The red-haired man tilted his head to his side and peered at the alarm clock on the nightstand. He let out a long groan, as he stood up and picked up his boxers, "Guess we slept in, huh? Well, I don't mind."

_But I do!_ My mind screamed, but instead I only smiled politely, glad to see that the man was already collecting his belongings from the floor. I moved away from the door and looked down at my feet. As the redhead walked past me, he stretched out his arm and pulled me into a quick hug, before kissing my forehead and saying, "I'll see ya later today then, huh?"

My jaw dropped open and I tried to _kindly_ disagree with him, but he had already left the room by the time a small squeak crossed my lips. For a moment I just stood there and stared blankly without seeing anything.

"Am I losing my mind?" I asked myself quietly, as I slowly fell on the floor and pressed my back against the cold wall. I let go of the blanket and moved my hands to grab turfs of my white hair and brought my knees up to my chest. Had that man broke into my apartment in the middle of the night and sexually abused me? No, that could not be the case. Even a rapist had enough common sense to leave the crime scene before they were caught.

The back of my eyes stung and my vision came somewhat unclear. I quickly closed my eyes and inhaled a deep breath. Waking up one time next to a man he could somehow explain logically, but this… Even thinking about the things I could have done made me feel sick again.

I heard the front door close soundly, as the headache returned, worse than ever.

* * *

After arriving to the coffee shop, Komui gave me a stern look, since I was more than an hour late. I apologized quickly, as I put on my apron and went behind the counter. I tried to push aside the thoughts of my possible nightly adventures with unknown men, while I prepared chamomile tea for an old lady. Somehow I managed to pour hot water on my hand and hissed in pain. 

I went to a sink and turned the tap to pour cold water on my burnt finger. Lenalee came beside me and whispered in my ear, "I know this might not be the best time, but there was someone asking for you this morning."

"Huh? Who?" I asked, hoping that it was neither one of the men I may have slept with.

"I don't know, he didn't say his name." Lenalee muttered, as she walked to a door, which led to the backroom, "He had black hair and a top hat. He was calling you pet names, so I figured he was some old_acquaintance_ of yours."

My eyes widened momentarily and I looked away from the dark-haired woman. Could it be the dark-haired man from the day before yesterday? He did say that he would come visit today… I shivered at the thought, but forced myself to finish the chamomile tea for the old lady, who had already started to look a little bit irritated.

"Oh and he said he's coming back by the way." Lenalee poked her head through the door and winked, "Good luck dealing with him."

"Here you go." I smiled my sweetest smile, as I placed the mug on the counter with a napkin. The lady grumbled under her breath, as she grabbed the cup of tea and walked over to a small round table.

I mentally scolded myself, for letting my thoughts wander again. I should worry about the problem at hand, which was my work at that moment. Whenever I was worried, I tended to become absent-minded and paying less attention on the things around me. Just like now, I could not stop worrying over what would happen next. Would I still find myself waking up next to strangers?

"The service is getting worse day by day."

I sighed at the familiar voice and looked at Kanda, who seated himself by the counter and threw his bag on the floor. I arched my eyebrow, as I saw his worn-out expression, "Sleeping beauty forgot his beauty sleep?"

"No, I forgot my _coffee_." Kanda grunted angrily, "I suppose you got the cue, unless you're as stupid as you look."

I puffed my cheeks and immediately spun around on my heels and started preparing his favorite cardamom coffee. Kanda must be coffee neurotic, since even his words seemed to be softer now that his brains weren't functioning properly.

"What brings you here this early anyway?" I asked, while I poured coffee in a large mug and threw some cardamom in it.

"Your voice is giving me a headache." Kanda's annoyed voice said behind my back and I smiled a little. If I was going crazy, I'd have to make sure to give some credit to Kanda as well. Soon the dark-haired man spoke again, "And your ever so positive attitude is making it even worse."

I turned around and handed the mug over to Kanda and my smile grew a little wider. I did not even have to say anything to make Kanda seem even more annoyed. It was somehow very amusing, yet very weird at the same time. If he was so annoyed by my existence, how come he always came back here everyday? I wanted to ask him, but seeing as he glared at the wall in front of him, I decided that maybe I wouldn't.

I propped my elbows against the counter and looked as Kanda slowly sipped his coffee, his grogginess fading. His glare seemed to soften and his shoulders relaxed eventually. Coffee did work wonders.

"What are you staring at, beansprout?" He growled, as he noticed how I was staring at him.

I looked away and shrugged my shoulders, "Oh, it's nothing."

* * *

After four hours, I started to wonder if Kanda was leaving at all that day. He was drinking his sixth cup of coffee, while reading the newspaper. Even Komui had asked me if he was waiting for someone, but I didn't know. But he was a paying customer after all, so there was no point in throwing him out, although he was getting on my nerves every now and then. 

It was a lot quieter than usual in the coffee shop. Lenalee sat by the counter, but good distance away from Kanda. I wondered whether it was Wednesday or Thursday, since lately the days had started passing with extra speed. It was as if whole days had gone by without me even acknowledging it.

The bell above the coffee shop's door rang. My usual polite smile returned and I was happy that finally we got some customers.

But as I saw a man with a top hat and a suit walking towards me, my eyes widened. So Lenalee had been talking about him, although I had wished that she hadn't. I did not want to see that man again. I did not want to think about the things I didn't do, but supposedly did anyway. Just when I thought I could get used to it, I came to realize that my life made a little sense anymore.

"Good day, pet." The man greeted, as he took off his top hat and placed it on the counter. He offered me a bouquet of flowers, this time they were white orchids, "I came to see just as I promised."

I winced a little, but took the flowers anyway. Yes, I received flowers from a_man_, whose name I still didn't know. And that was the second time too. I looked away, only to meet Kanda's eyes. I winced again, as I saw a murderous look trespass his dull dark eyes. Was he a homophobe?

My thoughts were brought back to the trouble at hand, as a cold palm came to my cheek and turned my head back towards the dark-haired man. I had to tilt my head back, as I looked up at him. And I certainly liked Kanda's murderous look far more than the clouded eyes of this man, who was gently caressing my cheek with his thumb.

"Aren't you going to tell me how badly you missed me?" He said and I trembled a little.

I didn't miss him. I wish I had never met him in the first place. But I couldn't say those things out loud. It just wasn't me to make people sad. Kanda was an exception, of course.

"Uh, I…" I stammered with my words. The situation was beyond awkward, with the man's hand on my cheek and his face inching closer to mine. How could he be so open with me, even if he did not know me? Or was it only me who didn't know him?

The bell rang again and I saw my chance to slip away from the man's grasp. I put on my trademark smile, which faded as soon as I saw yet another unwelcome person enter the coffee shop. It was the man, who had been in my bed and in my apartment this morning. For a moment, I thought that the things could not go any worse.

"Cupcake!" The redhead stated loudly from the doorway, before taking long paces across the coffee shop and offering me a similar bouquet of flowers as I had already received.

_Wake up Allen, danger!_ Screamed my mind, while I reached out for the flowers with shaky hands. Somehow I got the feeling that these kinds of things happened to me only. It must be some sort of sick mockery of the destiny itself, to have two men, whom I might have slept with, under the same roof. Plus receiving exactly same kind of flowers from both of them. _Disaster_? No, this was absolutely _end of the world_.

"Allen, why is this man here?" The man with the top hat asked.

"Uhh…" was all I could say.

"I could ask _you_ the same." The red-haired one asked and frowned, "I thought you were supposed to go see your lover?"

"I _am_ seeing him. How about you?"

I know I must have had the stupidest expression ever on my face, as I watched the two men. I opened and closed my mouth like a gold-fish, before I was able to ask uneasily, "Y-you know… you know each other?!"

They both turned to look at me, their hard looks softening instantly. The redhead was first one to say, "Not really, hun. I just happened to see him at the flower shop when I went to buy those flowers."

"Ah, and I thought we might have become friends. We got together rather well, but now I can never forgive you. And you even copied me." Spoke the other one slightly over dramatically, while running his hand through his curly black hair and motioning towards the other bouquet of flowers, "Allen, dear, shall I dispose of him?"

"It was you who copied me! You were about to buy roses, but I told you how cliché that is." The red-haired man pointed his finger at the man and raised his voice, "Allen, this guy is a total fake! You know how much better I am compared to him."

That was when the things ceased to be logical. By all means they both should have been mad at me for two-timing them, but instead they were glaring daggers at each other. I turned to look at Lenalee, only to notice that she had gone missing. I sighed, knowing that she must be eavesdropping in the backroom. As innocent as she may have looked like, she was as twisted as a spring.

I was about to say something, but a loud sound of glass breaking made me look at Kanda and frown. The coffee cup he had been holding was now in fragments and coffee all over his hand. I handed him a new napkin and sighed, "That'll cost you, you know."

But Kanda did not seem as if he was listening. Instead he was glaring at the two men, who were now glaring at him. For a moment, I saw an unreadable emotion in Kanda's dull eyes, but when I blinked my eyes, it was gone. I watched him stand up and take a threatening step toward the two men. I saw him clenching his fists, as he narrowed his eyes.

"You two. Who the hell are you?" Kanda asked, his mere voice made me shiver. I moved behind the counter uneasily and wondered what I should do. What I _could_ have done at that point?

"That does not concern you." The dark-haired man retorted and lifted his chin arrogantly, "We are… _I_ am here to see Allen."

"Uhh, h-hey I think that…" I tried to say, but the backroom's door slammed open and revealed Komui, who was glaring at Kanda and the two strangers.

"Do I sense tension in the atmosphere?" Komui asked and pushed his eyeglasses up the bridge of his nose. He walked next to me and looked down at me, "Allen, go do… _something_."

I blinked my eyes, but nodded my head and quickly disappeared to the backroom. Upon entering, I saw Lenalee smiling faintly, as she dusted off the floor with a broom.

"Two_men_, Allen?" She laughed, somewhat dryly. I immediately turned my head away, feeling somewhat ashamed. I didn't want her to think me as some kind of flaming homosexual with wild sexlife. Maybe I wasn't straight as a ruler, but when it came to bedroom things, I was kind of clueless. Or that's what I had always thought…

"Lenalee…" I mumbled, not sure how I should pronounce my thoughts, "…I-I know this might sound weird but…"

A loud crash made me jump and turn to look at the backroom's door. After that, loud swearing and banging noise could be heard. I fixed my widened eyes at Lenalee, whose eyes were just as wide as mine.

"I'll go take a look what's going on…" She muttered under her breath, as she dropped the broom she had been holding on the floor and walked past me. Before exiting the room, she looked over her shoulder and gave me a strict look, "You'll stay here. Wouldn't want those two men harass you in our coffee shop."

I frowned at the mischievous look she had, before she left. Maybe she didn't have anything against homosexual people. Which was not a surprise though, since she kept constantly reminding of Kanda and the way he_looked_ at my direction. I seemed to be only one, who realized that those looks weren't _that_ kind of looks, but looks of annoyance and sometimes even hatred.

I tried not to listen at the loud voices coming from the other side of the door, as I moved over to a sink and started to wash a pile of abandoned dishes. I hummed a song, which's name I could not remember.

"_You son of a…!!_"

A loud crash.

"_Not in my coffee shop!!_"

Another loud noise, this time it sounded like a glass breaking.

"_Such impudence!!_"

"_Where's my little cupcake!?_"

I started to hum louder, as I tried my best to ignore the shouting. For a moment I thought of going to help Komui and Lenalee, but as I heard the coffee shop's door slam close with such force that even the walls in the backroom trembled, I could feel my face paling. Komui must be mad. Or more like furious.

I winced, as the door behind my back opened. I spun around immediately and my shoulders became tensed. Komui truly did look more furious than mad. He was glaring at me through his eyeglasses and fixed his tie, "Since Lenalee would probably cry if I fired you, therefore you'll be cleaning the toilet. For a month."

"Y-yessir!" I declared and bowed my head, as I walked past him.

"Allen." Komui grabbed my arm and prevented me from leaving. I didn't dare to look up, expecting him to still be angry. But as he spoke, his voice was filled with concern and worry, "Are you sure everything's alright?"

At first I was about to tell Komui about my memory losses and how I woke up next to strangers. But as I forced myself to look up at him, I realized how worried he actually was. He was giving me the look he usually gave to Lenalee when he was extremely concerned of her well-being. I could not make him any more worried, so I smiled and said happily, "Oh, nothing's wrong."

I thanked my ability to lie fluently, as I saw his worried expression leave his features and he let go off my arm. He shrugged his shoulders and shoved my shoulder gently, "Men's restroom is waiting for you."

I sighed soundly and slumped my shoulders. _Toilets, here I come._

* * *

I stared at the ceiling, as I lied on my back on my bed. I was dead tired and I really wanted to sleep, but on the other hand I was too scared to even close my eyes. I should have known better than come home today. It felt as if the walls were closing in and the shadows were creeping towards my bed. What if there was someone in the dark, waiting for me to fall asleep and then take over my body? 

I bit my bottom lip. In the daylight everything seemed so much safer. I was aware of who I am and what I was doing. But now that I was alone, only darkness surrounding me, I started to doubt everything that has happened so far. What if it wasn't me who slept with those men? If I had been possessed, or maybe drugged, and then forced to sleep with them?

I sat up on my bed and ran my hand through my semi-long hair. I turned on the bedside lamp and took out my diary. Maybe if I wrote down my thoughts, they would leave me alone.

I opened the small book and searched for a blank page. My eyes glanced briefly my last night's entry, before I turned the page. Somehow I got the feeling that something wasn't right, and quickly returned back to the previous page.

My eyes fixed at a piece of text, which was definitely not written by me. The handwriting was somewhat bigger and the pen strokes were longer. I rubbed my eyes to confirm that I wasn't dreaming and it was needless to say that I was shocked when the writing remained right under my last night's entry.

_Hello Allen._

_Yesterday you could not fall asleep. So you went out and winded up in a local pub. You did not drink, since you knew after what happened last time that it would only cause a horrible hangover. Therefore you ordered only water._

_He sat next to you. His name is Lavi, by the way, and he said that he was new to the town. So you thought, why not show him around._

_And you ended up in your apartment. Soon he had you pinned against a wall and before you knew it, he was ravishing your mouth and unbuckling your belt. _

_He said you are beautiful. He said he would never hurt you. And you knew he could be the one for you._

_So you allowed him to get under your skin. He kissed you gently, as he entered you. And you let him do whatever he wanted with you. Just like you let Tyki. They are not to blame._

…_But of course you don't remember this. Such obliviousness you're living in. You need someone to help you. You need _me

_Please, do understand me._

I looked up from the diary, suddenly feeling extremely paranoid. I looked over my shoulder and quickly peeked under my bed. I was alone, but I didn't feel like I was. And I seriously didn't know what I should have done or thought. There was strange handwriting in my diary, not to mention the strangers waking up next to me. My hands started to tremble and the diary dropped to the floor.

"I'm losing my mind…" I had to admit it out loud. This could not be normal.

With shaky hands, I picked up the diary from the floor and took my ballpoint pen from the nightstand. I pressed the tip of the pen on the paper and inhaled a deep breath. I don't know what I was thinking, if I was thinking anything at all, as I wrote unsteadily;

_Who are you?_

* * *

Author's ending notes: Thanks for all the lovely reviews. I was about to start my personal rant here, but since my eyes refuse to stay open and focused, I think I won't waste my breath. Or words, or whatever. 


	3. Third Mistake: I was kidnapped

**S**plitting** S**ky

Warnings for the chapter: sexual abuse.

**T**hird** M**istake : I was kidnapped

* * *

_ If something can go straight down to hell, it will definitely do just that._

I glanced down at my feet, as I walked across an unusually empty street. Ordinarily there were tons of people, heading for work, or wherever they were going, but today it was only me and one sporty looking young woman, who was walking her dog. But really, I was far too tired to be bothered by something as that, so I kept moving forward and fighting against strong squalls.

I had not slept at all last night. Every time I was close to losing my consciousness, my fear of losing control over my body kicked in. I didn't want another man in my life. So I kept drinking energy drinks and coffee, since someone once told me that they had stayed up whole weekend like that.

Somehow I found myself standing in front of the familiar coffee shop. _Lee's Coffee House_, read above the door and I frowned at the lack of imaginary of the coffee shop's name. But I knew that Komui loved his coffee shop almost as much as his sister, so I never dared to tell him how stupid the place's name was.

I pulled out my key chain from my pocket and opened the door to the coffee shop, surprised to see that Lenalee had not shown up yet. She was always the first one to come to work and the last one to leave. She was never sick either, so it was more than suspicious to find the coffee shop completely empty and the lights still turned off.

But I shrugged it off, too tired to even bother to wonder why everything seemed so weird today. I picked up newspaper from the doorstep, before I threw my coat to the floor behind the counter and sat down for a moment. My head felt slightly dizzy and my hands were starting to go somewhat numb. I shook my head, thinking it must be the tiredness that was eating all my strength.

I glanced at the newspaper, my eyes hardly able to read the small text without my reading glasses. I leaned in and narrowed my eyes, and saw an article of a car crash by the downtown. But it wasn't the article that caught my attention, but the second paragraph,

…_yesterday, a man was going to spend Friday night at a local bar, but a drunk driver…_

Friday? I repeated mentally. Wasn't yesterday Wednesday? I returned to the front page and stared at the date on the top right corner, _2.16, Saturday_.

"What in the world…" I whispered quietly, as I stood up a little bit too quickly and accidentally dropped the newspaper to the floor. I cussed, as the blood rushed to my head, making me feel even dizzier than before. Well, this explained the lack of action in the streets. I kneeled down and fumbled for the newspaper and then I…

* * *

"… because he wants you to make his coffee. And you still try to deny the attention he gives you?" 

I blinked my eyes at the wall I was staring. I was in the coffee shop's backroom and I could hear Lenalee speaking behind my back. I frowned, since I was supposed to be bending down on the floor and picking up the newspaper. For a moment, I just stood there in silence and tried to remember how I had ended up here, facing the wall.

_I was picking up the newspaper and then I_… I pressed my fingertips against my temples and closed my eyes. After that, there was nothing. It was like a blank hole between the time I kneeled down for the newspaper and the present time. I had been dead tired though… Maybe, just maybe, I had fallen asleep and somehow sleepwalked to the backroom. Sure, it was a pitiful excuse, but an excuse never the less.

"Allen, are you listening?"

I spun around immediately and my widened eyes fixed at Lenalee. She seemed somewhat amused and I wondered what I had missed, "—ah, well, I…"

"I was telling you that Kanda doesn't want to drink the coffee I made. He said that," Lenalee paused for a moment, as she changed her expression to serious and imitated Kanda, "_The beansprout makes better coffee than you_, he said. And he also added that he will have someone's head, if he doesn't get his coffee right away."

"I… I see…" I mumbled, not really internalizing what she had just said. My eyes moved frantically, trying to find something suspicious in the room or something odd in Lenalee's behavior, but nothing seemed to have changed.

"What's wrong Allen?" Lenalee asked, her smug expression turning into worried, "You've been all weird this morning. It's not like you to flirt with every customer."

I gagged. _Flirt_?_ Me_? I would have laughed if Lenalee had looked like she was joking, but her voice was eerily serious. She never joked about things like that, and even if she did, she would do it with a smile.

I inhaled a deep breath and stopped to think for a moment. I didn't need to panic; everything always had a sensible reason. But when I tried to pile up my thoughts, I was only rewarded with a headache. I would never flirt with anyone, I wouldn't have the guts to do something like that.

"I think that… I think that I'll go make Kanda his coffee…" I muttered, as I hurried out of the backroom. I didn't dare to turn around, when Lenalee called my name. I didn't want to explain her what I was going through. Seriously, even I could not understand how I ended up with all those men and having holes in my memory, so how could she?

The first thing I saw when I walked behind the counter was Kanda, whose eyes were fixed at me. I turned my head away and without a word I started preparing his coffee. The last thing I wanted was his unpleasant remarks.

I sighed and made the coffee with extra speed. I turned around and placed it in front of Kanda. It was then when I looked up, I saw a barely visible bruise under his left eye. I arched my eyebrow, my curiosity getting the best of me, "Had a fight?"

"Tch." Kanda replied in his usual manner, as he took a sip of his coffee. I didn't mean to smile, but my lips curved upwards at any case. Funny, how it always was like this when I was around Kanda.

But my temporary high spirits left as soon as they had come. I pressed my palms against the counter's surface. I gripped on its edge and swallowed soundlessly, while wondering what would happen next.

"You think you're so goddamn clever, now don't you?"

I looked up at Kanda, whose words had just pierced through the air and hit me like an arrow. I knew where he was getting at, so I only bowed my head. I didn't think I was clever at all. At that moment, the only thing I saw in myself was a completely insane person. I wasn't who I had always been before.

"And you still keep that innocent look of yours, it is truly pathetic." The dark-haired man continued coldly. And as I thought about it, he was right. I was a horrible person. I bit my lip, as he started speaking again, "It's not like I'd care though. Just stay the fuck away from me."

My mouth opened, but I could not say anything, as I watched Kanda stand up and turn around. He tore the entrance door open and slammed it close behind his back, leaving me wordlessly stare at the door. Somehow, I had not seen that coming. It was not like Kanda to react so strongly to anything, so I had assumed that he would only cuss and then continue drinking his coffee.

I stole a glance at the abandoned coffee mug and saw it almost full.

Maybe I wasn't the only one who was going insane.

* * *

"S-shit…" I cursed, as I accidentally dropped yet another coffee mug. It fell to floor and broke into two almost symmetric halves. I hurriedly kneeled down and picked up the fragments, but pulled my hands away as I managed to get a long cut in the middle of my palm. I cursed some more, only mentally this time, since I knew that the customers were already questioning my odd behavior. 

I bit my lip, as I quickly picked up a clean looking rag and covered my bleeding palm with it. I narrowed my eyes at the _evil_ coffee mug. And if I had known that inanimate objects couldn't laugh, I would have sworn that it was snickering at me.

"Walker, go home."

I looked up at Komui, who was glancing at the broken coffee mug on the floor. My face paled and I shook my head rapidly. The last thing I wanted was to go home, "Oh, no! I mean, I'm all right, it's just a small cut and that coffee mug, I can pay for it, really…"

"I'm serious." Komui said strictly, as he picked up the broken mug, "You can't stay focused at all. Go home and get some rest. You can work your ass off again on Monday."

I tried to protest, but Komui turned around and walked away. I didn't want to go home. I never had wanted to go back to my small apartment, but now I despised that place even more. Or maybe the emotion wasn't hate. It was fear.

I took off my apron slowly and picked up my coat. I noticed that my hands were trembling, as I tried to pull up the zipper. I knew I must have looked pathetic, but I could not help the paranoia. I couldn't argue with Komui without telling him about my lack of sanity. After that, I would most likely be fired and that would only make the situation worse.

I waved my hand to Lenalee, who was cleaning the tables on the other side of the coffee shop. She offered me a kind smile, as I stepped out into the chilly air.

The sun was still peaking behind the long buildings, but the sky was already turning a darker shade of blue. Maybe I could do something nice, before heading home. I've heard that shopping is great therapy. But wasn't it kind of girlish?

As I was about to start walking towards the closest shopping mall, two hands covered my view. I was pressed back against a solid chest and I could feel soft breath tingling my earlobe. I almost screamed and prepared myself to execute the only Aikido technique I could recall from my childhood Aikido classes. _Just grab his wrist and twist it anticlockwise, until…_

"Ditching the work, pet?"

In a mere second I forgot all about martial arts and my body stiffened. It was the man, _Tyki_, or that's what I assumed his name to be.

"If that's the case…" Tyki spoke, his voice lower and more seductive than ever, "…I suppose you don't mind if I kidnapped you right here and now?"

It was my intention to refuse and run away the fastest I ever could, but the hands moved from my eyes and I was thrown over his shoulder, as if I had been as light as a feather. It must be because of my slow reflexes, since when I actually registered what was happening, it was too late. I was already sprawled across a limousine's backseat.

"Drive." Tyki gave a quick command to whoever was driving the vehicle.

"H-hey!" I gasped, as the car started moving and my back hit the soft seat, "I never said I wanted to go with you!!"

Tyki only let out a laugh, but didn't say anything. I picked myself up from the seat and swiftly positioned myself as close to the door as possible. The driver was driving the limousine faster than he should have. I heard the other drivers cursing loudly and honk, as our limo drove at top speed.

Dear lord, what had I gotten myself into this time?

"No need to worry." Tyki pointed out, when he saw my worried expression. He opened the hatch of a small fridge and pulled out a bottle of champagne, "Skinn Bolic tends to be pretty rough driver when he is sugar high."

"A-and you're okay with that?!" I asked out loud, as I almost fell on his lap, when the car made a sudden turn.

Tyki gave me a smirk and moved closer to me, while I attempted to get as far away from him as possible. I guessed he must be used to the horrible driving, as he poured two glasses of champagne with ease. He placed the bottle on a small bucket, which was filled with ice cubes, before he offered me the other glass. I only turned my head away and kept my hands folded in my lap.

"Where are we going?" I asked quietly, trying not to sound scared. And in fact, I wasn't scared of Tyki.

Tyki sighed in defeat and put the glasses away. I tried to glance out of the darkened window, but a palm brushing against my thigh made me fix my eyes at Tyki. I moved my legs and leaned closer on the car's door. Okay, so maybe I was afraid of Tyki as well…

"Hmm, playing hard to get it again?" Tyki's eyes wandered up and down my body, as if undressing me mentally. I squirmed and pulled my knees up to my chest. The dark-haired man slid himself closer to me, "But you'll love each second of it, that I can promise."

I shuddered. What I was to him, _a sex object_? I clenched my fists, "Let me out."

"Let_you_ out?" Tyki spoke slowly, as if not understanding my request, "After I went through all the trouble kidnapping you…?"

Tyki reached out to grab my shoulder and pulled me even closer, until my face was pressed against his chest. His strong arms wrapped around my shoulders when I tried to struggle. But as I increased my efforts to escape, he let out a grunt and pushed my back against the backseat.

"L-let me go!!" I yelled, as I lied underneath him. I tried to punch, or even _slap_ him, but he caught my hand, as he saw it coming. However, what he didn't see coming was my knee, which collided with his _lower_ region.

With a pained groan, Tyki rolled to the car's carpeted floor. I didn't care if he had lost his ability to produce children, as I stumbled over him and banged a thin wall, which was separating the backseat and front seat.

"Stop the car!!" I yelled and looked over my shoulder at Tyki, who crawled on the floor, rolling around aimlessly as the car turned around a corner. The driver didn't seem to hear or care about my complains, so I knocked on the wall even harder, "H-hey?! You hear me!? Let me out of _here_!!"

Out of the blue a hand grabbed my ankle and I fell on the floor. I hit the back of my head to the edge of the seat and pain shot through my body. I hissed and my eyes became blurry for a moment. I closed my eyes for a moment and when I opened them again, I saw Tyki crawling over me, his eyes hungrily glancing at me. I tried to move away, but he was holding my hands to the floor and straddling my waist.

"Oh, you shouldn't have done that, pet. You wouldn't want to ruin the best part of man's body." Tyki purred and nuzzled his nose against my neck. I shivered at the warm touch, clinging to the logical part of my mind and trying not to think with my libido. I did_not_ want to do this. It was disgusting and wrong and I wanted him to stop. So does that make him a rapist?

"Stop it, _Tyki_." I said strictly, hoping that emphasizing his name would make him pull away and stop touching my body. But instead he smirked against my collarbone and trailed kisses down my chest, "N-no, seriously,_stop_."

When I first had seen Tyki, I had got an impression that he had good manners and was a true gentleman. But now, as he was slowly unzipping my coat and tugging my shirt, I realized that he was far from well-behaved man. He was a wolf in sheep's clothing. I can't say that I had liked him from begin with, but this was only making it worse.

But maybe the situation wasn't as bad as I had thought. I bit my bottom lip and craned my neck, as his fingertips brushed past my nipples. I couldn't even look at Tyki, but I knew that my options were limited. I was trapped in a moving car and I would only break my neck if I jumped out. And even if I managed to get out of the car alive, I don't know how far I could escape before Tyki would catch up with me.

…And at least I didn't have to go home.

Tyki seemed to notice the way I stopped struggling, although I couldn't relax my stiffened muscles. He took this as he unbuttoned my jeans, before pulling them down.

"Tyki…" I closed my eyes so that I wouldn't have to see what he was doing. I knew that objecting was no use, but part of me hoped that he would stop, "…Please stop. I don't want to do this."

But it was like the dark-haired man had been under some kind of spell, as he didn't say anything. Suddenly I felt cold air against the sensitive skin of my manhood. I kept my eyes closed, but I heard all too well, as he took off his own pants. I heard each move he made, even though the noise of traffic was deafening.

I turned my head away, as I sensed his face coming close to mine. His hand slid across my back and he unhurriedly turned me around, so that my stomach was against the cold, carpeted floor. I pressed my cheek on the solid surface beneath me and felt something warm roll down my cheek. What did I ever do wrong to deserve to be treated like a ten dollar whore?

Suddenly my eyes snapped open and a gasp came from my throat.

I wasn't a blushing virgin, but it _hurt_. And Tyki did not even take time to let me get used to the pain, as he pushed forward and pulled back steadily. I balled my fist and shoved my fist in my mouth to stop the sobs. But it didn't help. Tears started gathering in the corners of my eyes and each movement Tyki made seemed to hurt more.

Whoever said that having sex was so incredible? My tensed shoulders hit the seats occasionally and my whole lower body was hurting. For a second, the pain would become pleasure, until suddenly it was only pain again. When Tyki thrust forward roughly, I wasn't sure whether I was turned on or in horrible pain.

But as Tyki grunted for one last time and emptied himself inside of me, I knew exactly how I felt. I was _disgusted_.

I gasped for air, like a fish suffering on the beach. I didn't even want to look at Tyki, who most likely was the only one who was left satisfied. And now that he had had his way with me, I only hoped that he would throw me away like a dirty doll. I really did.

"Look at me."

But I shut my eyes again, as he forced me to lie on my back. I felt his remnants drip down my inner thigh. I smelled his sweat and his cologne on my skin. And I remembered his member inside of me and just how much it had hurt.

At that moment I was not proud of myself at all. I should have done something— surely I could have stopped Tyki if I really _had_ tried. I hated myself for being so weak. Kanda was right. I was pathetic and there was no changing that.

"S-stop the car…" I mumbled, clinging on the last bit of composure I had. I sat up and shoved Tyki away with the last bit of strength I had. I pulled on my boxers and jeans, trying to ignore the wetness on my inner thighs. I zipped up my coat and crawled toward the door and repeated my request, "Please, just stop the car now."

Tyki cleared his throat, "You heard him. Stop the car."

The car's speed deceased gradually, until the movement stopped. I opened the door and jumped out, immediately ending up on the cold asphalt. I cursed at my thoughtlessness and quickly collected myself from the ground, before limping away from the limousine. Maybe Tyki would now disappear from my life and hopefully take that other weirdo, Lavi, with him.

I heard the limousine speed off behind my back and I sighed in relief. It was over. Now I could pretend nothing ever happened and move on. My life was so absolutely _perfect_. I seemed to share my love to the whole world and I was _only_ losing my mind. Everything was so fucking perfect.

If something can go straight down to hell, it will definitely do just that.

I stopped walking, or limping, for a moment and took a look around. I saw unfamiliar buildings and unfamiliar stores all around me. The few people who walked past me, pretended I was air. I realized that I had no idea where I was.

And I was so sick of it all. I took longer paces and tried to get_somewhere_. Somehow, everything seemed so meaningless. As if all the reasons to live had vanished and I was left with no will to survive. And had there been any reason to struggle against the fate anyway? We were all going to die eventually so why bother to hang onto something you will lose in the end?

I took a little bit too long step and pain on my lower back made me collapse on the pavement. The passers-by only gave me a half-hearted glance, but never even stopped walking. Neither one of them even asked if I was alright, _were you just fucking raped_?

My head spun and somehow a smile came to my lips. I must have looked like I was drunk. And I felt like I was drunk.

A shadow crept over me and I looked up at a long figure wearing a long black coat. It was somehow familiar, but my dizzy mind was not functioning properly. I tried to take a look at the person's face, but all I could see was darkness.

Oh yes, that coat… Matrix…

"Oh no…" I mumbled, at that point I wasn't sure whether I said it out loud or not, "…I never dreamed of meeting you, Neo…"

And then everything went black.

* * *

Author's ending notes: Ohh em gee. That's the most graphical rape I've ever written. Whoo, go me. And yes, I know, that wasn't really graphical, now was it? And Neo's from Matrix, if it didn't ring a bell. 

Thanks for all lovely reviews. –heart-


	4. Fourth Mistake: He loves me

**S**plitting** S**ky

Warnings for the chapter: sexual abuse, once again...

**F**ourth** M**istake : He loves me

* * *

I opened my eyes and very unfamiliar ceiling was the first thing I noticed. I was amazed how quickly my sensed kicked in, since I realized that I was not home. My apartment's ceiling was dirty white, but this ceiling was pearly white. The scent of foreign cleanliness and rough mattress under my back only confirmed my doubts. 

I rolled over, maybe a little bit recklessly, since I ended up in the floor in progress. I grunted in pain, as I bumped my head against the cold surface. I looked up and realized that what I had been sleeping on was not a bed, but a small black leather couch. I felt relieved, as there were no strangers sleeping next to me this time. But still, I had slept in a place I had never been before.

I rolled to my back on the floor and took in my surroundings. The room was so empty. Besides the couch, there was only a coffee table made of glass, or plastic, and a full-HD television. I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to sort out my thoughts.

I could still remember Tyki. But I guessed that I couldn't forget about him. He _raped_ me.

I frowned and gritted my teeth. The more I thought about him, the more angry and disgusted it made me feel. He had not even tried to be gentle. I bet he was so proud of himself, being able to shatter my dignity like that.

But in the end, I wasn't really worried about my pride. I was just plain disgusted. Like I had been rolling in mud and was covered in dirt. However, this wasn't such dirty you could wash off. And it made me even more sick, to think that he might be coming back and do it all again.

"Tch. How long are you going to lie there?"

My eyes snapped open at the awfully familiar voice. And I was just about to start thinking positively and tell myself that things couldn't get any worse. But as I stumbled to my feet and looked straight at Kanda, I realized that, _yes_, things could get far worse.

And I thought that he said that he wanted me to stay away from him?

I opened my mouth to say something, but I was too shocked to say anything. As if having Tyki and Lavi all over me wasn't enough, now even _Kanda_?! Please, whoever was listening to my prayers, tell me that I had not slept with Kanda too. It wasn't the case that Kanda was somehow revolting— in fact he was quite the opposite. But he was _Kanda_ of all the people. And he was the last person I would like to spend my night with.

Kanda's eyes darted down my body and I blinked my eyes. Somehow I became very conscious of myself and I quickly looked down. I realized that I had no clothing to cover the lower part of my body and let out a quiet shriek. I fumbled for a blanket on the couch and wrapped it around my waist quickly. That bastard, instead of openly staring, he could have told me about my lack of clothing.

"I-I…" I stammered, feeling heat rising on my cheeks. But if I was naked it would mean that… I took a step backward and pointed my finger at Kanda, before almost yelling, "Y-you!! What did you do to me?!"

Kanda arched his eyebrow and looked at me as if I had hit my head, "What the hell? It was you who started going all striptease on me."

I blushed even more and raised my voice unintentionally, "What?! P-pervert! _Jerk_!!"

"Shut the hell up." Kanda spat and turned around, groggily rubbing the back of his neck, "Now get the fuck out of my apartment. And while you're at it, you can jump down the stairs as long as I fucking care. Whatever makes you shut that mouth of yours."

I wanted to ask him what I was doing here in the first place, but as he disappeared somewhere, I decided to keep my mouth shut. Kanda truly had something shoved up his ass twenty-four seven.

But luckily it didn't seem like I had slept with Kanda and I felt oddly relaxed for once. I stood up and only faint pain struck my abdomen. With a relieved smile, I collected my clothes from the floor and quickly dressed up. Maybe things were actually staring to look up.

As I picked up my shirt, I saw something written on my wrist. I pulled my hand back and blinked my eyes at two simple words written on my hand,

_I'm sorry_.

I immediately recognized the handwriting. It was the same as in my diary, though this time the letters were a little shaky. The hint of happiness I had had a moment ago fled and I started to panic again. I grabbed my shirt with haste and pulled it over my head. Frankly, whoever was trying to apologize was a little too late. I was already neck deep in trouble.

I took as long and quiet paces as I could, when I exited Kanda's apartment. The block of flats in which he lived was far more luxurious than where I lived. I would have never guessed Kanda to have such a leafy place.

Even the floor looked like it had been polished only minutes ago.

I pressed the button of the elevator and waited. I glanced at the staircase, wondering if I should obey Kanda and jump down the stairs. That would truly solve all my troubles all at once. I sighed, as I heard a soft beep and the elevator's doors opened. I stepped in lazily and gently tapped the first floor's button.

I stared blankly into nothingness, the shiny surface of the elevator's door reflecting my pale face. I touched my left cheek, under my eyes and sighed at the black rings around my eyes. This all was putting way too much pressure on me. Lately there were too many things I could not understand. But I was sure that things were going to turn out alright. Everything would have a logical explanation.

"Allen."

I turned around and saw a girl, who was clad in a lolita dress. Her intense eyes were staring at me and I gave her a questioning look. I couldn't recall knowing her, but then again, lately it seemed like I knew many people I have never met before. So I tried to act as polite as I could and cleared my throat, "Excuse me, miss?"

"So it is _you_." She smirked and took a step forward, her gestures giving me a familiar feeling. I shifted away, as she came too close. But she snickered and rose up on her toes as she stared at my face, "Tyki's new toy, huh? Can I play with you too?"

My eyes widened. This girl was… I couldn't even find a word to describe the way she made me feel. I squirmed uneasily, now understanding how her gestures seemed so familiar. She must be somehow related to that psycho… Tyki. But she seemed rather young, so perhaps she didn't know what she was talking about…

Luckily the elevator reached the first floor before the silence between us could get awkward. I shook my head and tried not to grimace at the girl, "Uh, you should find friends of your age… I'm too old to play."

As the elevator's doors opened I ran out. I could hear her laughing behind my back, but I was too freaked out to even look back.

Seriously, what's wrong with people these days?!

* * *

I kept looking over my shoulder as I walked toward Lenalee's apartment, which was located near the city center. Somehow I was starting to get really paranoid, expecting to see Tyki or even Lavi behind me. But all I could see was busy people walking past me and never even sparing me a glance. But they all were lucky. For some reason, I felt like I was the only one with these kinds of problems. 

I pulled my sleeve up and looked at the writing. _I'm sorry_, I repeated mentally. This was totally sick. Whoever would go writing stupid things in my diary and then on my wrist? I shuddered at the thought, of whoever would joke around like this.

This world was really turning to one hell of a twisted place. But maybe somehow, things would start look up. Yes, everything was going to be alright again. I just needed to sit down and talk with someone. And that someone would be Lenalee, since she seemed one of the few persons who might understand me. Or so I hoped.

Before I knew it, I was standing in front of Lenalee's apartment's door. I rang the doorbell, patiently waiting for her to open the door. I could hear gentle footsteps from the other side and inhaled a deep breath.

The door opened and Lenalee poked her head out. Her confused expression turned to worried and maybe even happy as she saw me, "Allen!"

I smiled at her as sweetly as I could, "Lenalee… Could we… could we talk?"

"Sure." Lenalee gave me a puzzled look, as she stepped out of the doorway and let me inside. I eyed the familiar surroundings and waited for Lenalee to close the door and usher me farther in.

She made me sit down on her couch, before hurrying to the kitchen. I took off my coat and folded it on my lap. Lenalee's apartment was nice and cozy. The living room was decorated in pastel colors and the morning sunlight shone through the thin windowpane. The door to balcony was open and the sound of the nosy street was fainter than what I would have expected.

Soon the black-haired woman came back, holding a cup of tea in her hands and gave it to me. I accepted it gratefully and as she placed a jar of cookies on the coffee table, I realized how hungry I was. I had not eaten any breakfast yet, so I reached out to grab a chocolate cookie from the jar.

"I'm worried, Allen…" Lenalee sighed, as she sat down next to me. She pressed her palms against her knees and looked at me wearily, "…I know that maybe it's not my business, but I just can't stop worrying about you being with all those… _men_."

I almost choked on the cookie I was trying to swallow. I coughed few times and drank some tea to wash away the dryness in my throat.

"I'm sorry Allen, I just don't know what I should think. But, what did you want to talk about?"

I shook my head with a sigh. Maybe it was a good thing that Lenalee said that, since that was exactly what I had come to discuss. Not because I thought that I could find a solution, but because I wanted to let someone know. I wanted to ease the uneasiness inside of me and maybe the problem would become less complicated.

"Lenalee…" I started, but the words were suddenly stuck in my throat, much like the cookie had been. I tried to look at her, but to me her eyes were too big and had too worried look. I knew that I wanted to ease my own pain, but I might make her even more worried. So I quickly thought of something else and blurted out words without thinking first, "…It's about… Kanda."

Lenalee's expression brightened instantly and her tensed shoulders relaxed, "Kanda? I'm all ears."

I pressed my palm against my face. That's not exactly what I wanted to talk about either, but at least Lenalee didn't seem to be as worried anymore. I cursed my stupid mouth mentally and this time thinking twice before opening my mouth again, "…W-well, I was just wondering, since he seems to like coming to our coffee shop and I know that you keep telling me that he likes me, but… eh… do _you_ like him?"

Lenalee arched her eyebrows and looked at me as if I had gone crazy. I felt uneasy under her gaze and moved my eyes to the floor. She let out a mirthful laugh and reached her hand out to mess my white hair, "Allen, that's a silly thing to ask. Kanda isn't quite my type, and besides, he seems too busy to even notice anyone except for you."

"That's…" I thought about the way Kanda always stared at me. It was almost always the same scold. He was always sitting by the counter, either reading or commenting my work. But as I thought about it, I couldn't think of a day when he hadn't been there. And somehow, imagining a day without Kanda's constant scolding seemed somehow very distant. But despite that, I stated, "That's not true."

Lenalee smiled and poked my forehead, "I didn't think that you'd agree with me." She stood up and picked up the jar of cookies, but not before I managed to snatch another cookie. She turned on her heels and started walking toward the kitchen, "But you'll notice soon enough."

My heart started beating faster. I'd rather not notice anything.

* * *

Since I did not want to go home, I tried to think of every possible thing I could do alone. I went to see a movie, which resembled the Blair Witch project, but that was the only thing I remember. I was too busy to ignore the snoring man next to me, who kept leaning on me and drooling on my shoulder. I pushed him away, but somehow he fell back against my shoulder like a magnet. 

And I really wanted to shove popcorns up his nostrils to see how he would react, but I thought that it might have been a rude thing to do. So instead of abusing the man's nose with my popcorns, I ate them.

As the end credits showed on the wide screen, I stood up and let the man fall on my seat. I straightened my coat and hurried out.

As I walked out of the movie theater with a half-empty strawberry milkshake in my hand, I felt a raindrop on my nose. I sighed, as the drop was followed with thousand more. I didn't know whether I should laugh or cry, as I stood there and sucked on the straw. It was funny how this day seemed to be such a bad day.

"Cupcake!!"

I turned my head toward a red-haired man, who was waving his hand and running to my direction. Yes, today was a really bad day.

"Lavi…" I muttered, as Lavi opened his umbrella and held it above my head. I gave him a small smile, even though I really didn't wish to see him, "…Thanks."

Lavi smiled widely and looked down at me. I noticed how tall he really was, almost as tall as Tyki. I shuddered at the thought of the said man. Compared to him, Lavi was much better. But then again, I couldn't really tell what he was after. But somehow, the soft look in his eye, which wasn't covered by eye patch, told me that he was not like Tyki.

"Whatcha doing here, standing in the rain?" Lavi asked, his other hand in his pocket while the other one was still holding the umbrella.

"I went to see a movie. I was just heading home." I explained, although I didn't know why. He didn't need to know what I was doing and when, since he was in no way supposed to be a part of my life. But at that moment, his arms seemed so very welcoming.

"Let's go then, hun." He stated, as he took his hand out of his pocket and placed it around my shoulder. His body was warm against mine and I closed my eyes for a brief moment. It didn't feel quite right, but not as bad as I had thought. His arm was strong and I couldn't think of a reason to resist his friendly, or even loving, gesture.

We didn't say anything to each other in a long while. I looked up at him every now and then and noticed a serious look on his features. Every time I had seen him, he had always seemed to be so full of energy and all happy-go-lucky. But now he was grave.

But I didn't want to ask him if something was wrong, since I knew that even he must have been worried. I couldn't decide whether he was worried about himself or me. Or maybe he was mad at me, since it was obvious that he was not the only one who I had slept with. Maybe he thought that there might be _something_ between us.

Before I even realized it, we were standing in front of my apartment's door. In reality, I had not wanted to come here, since there was nothing for me here. I turned to look at Lavi, whose expression had lightened up a little, but somehow he still seemed a little upset.

I thought that it might be the best if I told him how the things really were. I detached myself from him and pressed my back against my apartment's door and looked up at him. I smiled weakly and said quietly, "…Lavi, I really appreciate everything you've done, but—…"

He quickly leaned in and pressed his lips against mine. My shoulders tensed, as he dropped the umbrella to the floor and placed his hands on my hips and on the back of my neck. For some reason, I opened my mouth and joined the kiss, but my participation included less passion than his. I tilted my head back and he craned his neck down.

I thought it was only fair to give Lavi what he had come here for. After all, it didn't seem like my opinion mattered much these days.

I shut my eyes tight. He was gentle and avoided touching sensual areas. He was nothing like Tyki. And if I had been logical, I would have chosen the lesser evil, but I had never been the most logical one. I knew that no matter how much I forced myself, I could never actually fall in love with him. Damn, I barely knew this man, who was passionately kissing me.

He pulled away eventually. I breathed in and opened my eyes, almost timidly looking at him. He was serious again— maybe he had noticed the lack of enthusiasm in my actions.

"I hate buts." Lavi stated quietly, his face still close to mine. I pressed my back harder against the door behind me, as he leaned in again and placed his forehead on my shoulder, "I know that it's stupid to feel this way. It's not like we'd known each other long enough to really fall in love. But there's just something that keeps me coming back to you."

His voice was full of sadness, which felt like a weight upon my shoulders. I lifted my hand and awkwardly placed it on the back of his head, feeling the softness of his bright red hair. There wasn't anything I could have said, really. My heart throbbed painfully and somehow it felt like part of me could tell how he felt.

I didn't know why, but I knew exactly how it felt to try to grasp someone, who is already out of reach. And it made my hands turn cold and breath stuck in my throat.

Lavi shifted a little, but didn't lift his forehead from my shoulder. His whole body was tense against mine, but he was not crying.

"There's… nothing wrong in feeling like that." I said, although I knew I should not have. But he slumped against me, his arms wrapping around my waist and his face slowly coming in front of my eyes again. Behind his visible eye, I could see hope and hint of happiness again. And it was so much better than the seriousness, so I kept talking, "…You can't really decide who you fall in love with…"

I guess I said something wrong, since Lavi stopped seeming hopeful. But he was not serious either and even smiled faintly, "You're right. But maybe there's something I could do…"

It was as if he had stopped in mid-sentence, as he drifted into his thoughts. I gave him a quizzical look, wondering what was running through his head. But the only reply I got was a chaste kiss on my lips, followed with a line of kisses down my jaw. I was taken aback, but didn't see any point in resisting. I thought I owed him this much, since it was my fault that he was now head over heels in love with me.

His hand roamed down my side, until he dove in my pocket. I looked down and saw as he pulled out my apartment keys and smirked at my confused expression.

"Would be a traumatic experience to your neighbors to find you kissing a gorgeous guy like me in the daylight, right?" Lavi stated seductively and pulled me away from the door. He kept me pressed against his chest, as he opened the door with my keys and led us both in.

And suddenly he and Tyki didn't seem all that different. My back hit the cold wall in my dark apartment, and he invaded my lips once again, this time more forcefully. I struggled faintly, trying to show him that this was as far as I wanted to go with him. But he didn't care, or more likely, didn't notice. Instead he took off my coat and fingered the hem of my shirt.

Suddenly he stopped and let out a breathy laugh, "Reminds me of the first time we were together."

I only shrugged my shoulders a little, since I had no kind of recollection of what had happened back then. He grabbed my wrist and escorted me to my bedroom, while kissing my neck and shoulders.

"Lavi, I don't think that we should…" I moaned unintentionally, as I fell onto my thin mattress.

"You're so beautiful Allen." Lavi said, as he climbed on top of me and caressed my cheek, "I want you to be only mine."

But I didn't want to be only his. I was not a goddamn object, although everyone made me feel that way nowadays. But maybe I was only selfish when I tried to push him away. So I let my arms fall to my sides and spread my legs so that he could position himself between them. I had no right to take away the little bit of hope he had. And I didn't want to see him sad, because he was so in love with me.

…And at the least I didn't have to be alone in this place, I should've called home.

He started undressing me, while I told myself that I deserved it all. I didn't know when it all had started going downhill, but maybe it didn't even matter anymore.

But as I looked at Lavi, for a moment I could see another person in his place. I had to close my eyes, as an image of a black-haired man came into my mind. And as Lavi was not paying attention on my mouth, my lips parted and a silent sigh fell from them,

"…_Kanda_."

* * *

Author's ending notes: Danke for all the reviews. Sorry if the ending of this chapter is load of crap— you can blame the tiredness. 


	5. Fifth Mistake: I got fired

**S**plitting **S**ky

Warnings for the chapter: The usual stuff.

**F**ifth** M**istake : I got fired

* * *

I leaned my shoulder against the doorframe, as Lavi leaned down and pressed a kiss on my forehead. The gesture was affectionate, but I couldn't help a desperate sigh that was smothered by Lavi's lips.

"Thanks, Allen." Lavi said, tiredness still visible in his eyes. But it was no wonder and even I was tired. I was so tired in so many ways. But I smiled at Lavi, although I couldn't look at him. But he didn't care, as he brushed his palm against my cheek and whispered, "See you later then?"

I nodded my head vaguely, "Yeah… see you."

I stole a quick glance at his eyes, and I saw visible sadness written all over his face. I guess I was pretty transparent, since no matter how hard I tried, everyone always seemed to know what was going through my head. So I tried harder to smile genuinely, but the more I tried, the more miserable he looked.

_You don't have to pretend_, was what Lavi clearly wanted to say, but couldn't. I let out a quiet gasp, as his strong arms wrapped around me and he pulled me to his chest. He buried his nose in my hair and breathed in heavily and I could count his heartbeat. His hold around me tightened and I relaxed, since I realized that he was not trying to go any further.

"You're so sweet, Allen." His voice was even quieter now. I lifted my hands and placed them around his chest and squeezed him lightly. I could feel Lavi smiling, as he slowly detached himself from me and said like there was nothing wrong, "I'm glad that you pretend that you care. I appreciate it."

I watched him turn around and walk out of my apartment, softly closing the door behind him.

I bit my lip and closed my eyes. This was one royally fucked up thing. I let out a frustrated noise and kicked the thin wall beside me. I knew I shouldn't have done that, because immediately an angry neighbor banged the other side of the wall, plus I hurt my toe. 

But I was so angry and frustrated and miserable at the same time, that I soon forgot the pain and sat down on the floor, as my head became dizzy. I leaned my elbows on the floor and as I was down on all my fours, I punched the dirty carpet under me. I gritted my teeth, as I tried to forget all the things I had done last night. And this time I remembered all of it.

Of course Lavi was much gentler and nicer than Tyki, but only thinking about the cold sweat and his touch on my skin made me feel nauseous. 

I crawled on the floor and picked up my shoes and grabbed my coat. I really, _really_, needed to get out of here.

* * *

That day I didn't go to work. I wandered around the city, until I found the place where I had left yesterday. It wasn't because I would have _wanted_ to go there, but maybe I could find some answers. Therefore, I rang the doorbell of Kanda's apartment, impatiently waiting for the dark-haired man to come and open the door.

When Kanda opened the door, he wrinkled his nose and almost slammed the door back shut.

"W-wait!" I gasped, as I put my feet in between the doorframe and the door, "We… need to talk…!"

Kanda grunted and opened the door, "We don't need to talk, but you need to explain yourself. What the hell are you doing here?"

I walked past Kanda and entered his apartment, even though he seemed a little grumpy about it. I didn't take off my shoes, since I didn't see a need to walk any further into the apartment than needed. Kanda closed the door and folded his arms above his chest and tapped his feet on the floor impatiently.

"Yesterday…" I started, but Kanda's annoyed snort cut me off.

"I don't wanna talk about it." Kanda stated and placed his hand on the doorknob, about to open it again, "I'm already mentally scarred."

I frowned angrily. I doubt that I was that bad, since I already had two admirers hot on my heels. But maybe that's why I felt a little relieved, as I silently reached out and placed my hand atop his on the handle, "That makes two of us. I'm not really fond of the thought of doing something like _that_ with you."

An unreadable expression flashed across Kanda's face and his whole body tensed as I touched him. He jerked his hand away and glared down at me, his nose still wrinkled and eyebrows furrowed, "What the hell do you want, beansprout?"

"I'm not a beansprout." I muttered, as I took a step back and leaned my back against a wall, "I just…" I paused. What did I want to know? And what exactly could Kanda know? I looked at him, trying to search for something in his calm face. He seemed a little tired and his eyes were a little bit narrower than usually. His beautiful face was stern, just like always.

And at the same time, although he was as pissed off as always, he seemed somehow very appealing. I wanted to slap myself for thinking like that, but his board shoulders and his solid chest were so welcoming. So much more welcoming than Lavi's embrace or Tyki's forceful grasp.

"You just what?" Kanda moved a little, as he noticed that I was staring at his chest. I looked away immediately and felt both very stupid and embarrassed.

"I wanted to know what happened yesterday… Or the day before yesterday." I stated shyly, "…My mind has been a little hazy lately." 

If Kanda had looked pissed off before, now he seemed beyond furious. He took a step forward and grabbed my shoulders and threw me against the wall, although I was already leaning on it. I let out a panicked gasp, but was too confused to fight back.

"_Your_ mind has been hazy?!" Kanda snarled, as he continuously banged my back against the wall, "Your mind is not hazy, you're fucking _out of_ your mind. That innocent look of yours is a façade, which sure might be appealing, but completely fake. And guess what?"

He stopped beating me to the wall, but kept holding almost painfully on my shoulders. I looked down at his feet and mumbled, "…What?" 

"I hate them." Kanda stated bluntly. I wasn't sure who he meant with 'them', but I didn't dare to ask, so I tried to act as if I had understood. Maybe coming here had not been the wisest thing to do. But soon he spoke again, "I hate those men, especially after that idiot with the top hat punched me. I hate them, because they kept me from drinking my coffee no day. I hate them, because…"

"You don't hate them after what they've done to me?!" I snapped and he gave me a questioning look, "You don't hate them, because they treat me like an object? Or because Tyki…" I closed my mouth and clenched my fists, "… never mind."

I didn't look up at him, but I could hear him let out a small laugh, "Hate them because what they've done to you? Should I?"

"Y-yes…" I muttered, but when I thought about it, to be honest, he didn't have a reason to be mad at them because of me. So I shook my head, "…I guess not. It was stupid of me to think that you'd have some humanity left in you."

"And be like you? Emphatic people like you make me sick. And I wouldn't want to make myself sick, therefore I'm better off as a cold bastard as I am." Kanda let go off my shoulders and I let out a breath of relief. He backed up a little and motioned toward his kitchen, "Shouldn't you be at work? Make me some coffee, you know, the usual."

Just when I was about to think that his bastard attitude hid something nice underneath, his nasty comments struck back. My mouth was left open, as I watched him enter his bathroom and soon I heard water running. I gaped at his rudeness, but at the same I felt oddly satisfied.

I entered his kitchen and I noticed that he had only a normal coffee maker. I sighed, but started making Kanda his coffee, while listening to the sound of water coming behind a wall.

* * *

"Whaat?!"

I tensed my shoulders, as Lenalee's voice became louder and louder. I quickly gave a strawberry milkshake to a young girl, before turning around and gave her a desperate look, "I just went to see Kanda, it's not like we'd be all over each other. And if I had to make a choice between Kanda and a lifeless rock, I'd most likely pick the rock."

"And yet he escorted you here and even gave his phone number to you?" Lenalee asked, as if not believing a word I was saying, "That's not normal, maybe if you were friends, but _you're not_! You're gay, he's gay, it's all settled."

"I'm not gay!" I hissed, as I picked up dirty coffee mugs from the counter and hurried to the backroom. Lenalee followed me and I hissed again, "And he's definitely not gay either."

Lenalee took the coffee mugs from my hands and placed them down on the sink, "But Allen…"

"No, Lenalee." I said strictly, although I smiled at her fazed expression, "Let me handle the dishes, okay?"

The dark-haired girl giggled and gave a gentle shove at my shoulder. I rolled my eyes, as she said, "You'd better think only about Kanda, while doing the dishes."

As she left, I knew that I couldn't do anything but think about Kanda. I sighed, as I pulled up my sleeves and filled the porcelain sink with lukewarm water. And all the while a mental image of Kanda was stuck in my mind, although I tried to concentrate on everything else but him.

It was true that he escorted me to the coffee shop. He had driven me here with his black car, which was as plain and leafy as his apartment. I had tried to keep my eyes out of the window, but occasionally my gaze drifted at his expressionless face. And at the times when our eyes met, I tensed and quickly looked down at my lap. But he didn't seem to mind, or if he had minded, he had hid it quite well.

And when he had stopped the car, he hadn't let me go before he had given me his cell phone number, although I wasn't sure what I should do with it. I would probably never have enough courage to call him, but I didn't want to be rude, so I only thanked him, before leaving his car.

Therefore Lenalee's suspicions might not be as nonsense as I had thought. I gritted my teeth as I started scrubbing the dirty coffee mugs. I started singing the first song that came into my mind and tried to think of the books I had read lately and the movies I had seen, but only Kanda came into my mind. Even Tyki and Lavi didn't bother me as much any longer.

I hummed to myself and stopped paying any mind to my surroundings. But as a tall body pressed against my back and pushed me against the sink, I let out a startled noise. A hand clasped in front of my mouth and other hand snaking around my waist.

"Hello my pet, I suppose you weren't expecting me."

The mere voice made me start squirming, but Tyki pushed my abdomen harder against the sink. I tried to yell at him, but his hand muffled each sound I made.

"Be a good boy now, Allen." Tyki whispered in my ear, while his hand caressed my chest, "I guess I was rather rough last time. Therefore I've made preparations to make it up to you. Oh, I'm sure you'll love it."

I gasped against his palm, as his hand moved down and brushed against the area between my legs. That's when I placed my hands on the sink and pushed back, making him give in a little. His hand fell from my mouth when I spun around and tried to push him away, but instead he seemed to enjoy the change of position and pressed himself against me again.

"How'd you get in here?!" I asked loudly and slapped his hand away from my groin, "Stop that."

Tyki smirked, as he leaned down and kissed my jaw. I rolled my eyes and pushed him away. He gave me an amused look, as if my resisting was somehow very funny. He grabbed my waist and lifted me to sit on the edge of the sink, while he leaned even closer to my face, "Are you sure you would mind if we had some fun right here and now?"

"Yes, I do mind." I muttered and narrowed my eyes at him. If Komui found us here he would be mad. Even madder than me, as I felt him approach my private areas again, "Let me go. I need to do my job and you need to get out of here. _Now_."

"And if I don't want to?" Tyki said childishly and ran his fingertips down my arm, "I've come all this way, so I—…"

"You heard what he said."

Komui, whose words had just cut off Tyki, stood in the doorway. He was holding his favorite coffee mug in his hand, as he glared at Tyki. I thanked all the gods I knew by name and I wondered how Komui always knew the right time to butt in. I saw Lenalee peeking over his shoulder and she too was sending a nasty look at Tyki.

"Well, well." Tyki said, as he helped me down from the edge of the sink and straightened my apron, "I suppose now isn't the right time for backroom sex. Please excuse me."

Komui stepped aside, as Tyki walked out of the door. They exchanged glares, but didn't say anything. And when the dark-haired man was gone, both Komui and Lenalee turned to look at me. I had to fix my eyes at the floor, since I felt uneasy under their piercing gaze. They truly were siblings, even their sharpest glare was equally scary.

"I… I can explain, I really didn't invite him in here, he just…" I stammered, but Komui sighed and shook his head.

"Come to my office, Allen." Komui stated and I followed him out of the backroom. Lenalee's eyes had softened, as our eyes met for a brief moment. She gave a tender pat on my shoulder and I nodded my head, trying to say that everything was alright.

Everything was alright, just like always. Komui wouldn't fire me. He couldn't, because Lenalee would get sad and I was one of the few employees he had. That's why I smiled at Lenalee, so that she wouldn't worry herself too much. Really, she was always so worried.

When we entered Komui's small office, he motioned me to sit down. I nodded and sat down on a comfortable chair in front of Komui's desk. I stared at the piled papers all around the room, wondering if he ever did his work. I looked at Komui, who was frowning and fingering a tip of a ballpoint pen. He did his best to avoid my eyes.

"Allen, you know I… _we_ are worried about you." He said, even though I did understand that they were concerned about me. He put down the ballpoint pen and folded his arms above his chest, "…But this coffee shop means a lot to me. And I don't want to risk everything because of one employee, even if you were my best friend in this whole world. You're always late lately and you bring all those men here with you. But, it's just a job after all and we can always be friends even if…"

"Are you…" I muttered, not believing what he was saying. Maybe I wasn't the best worker ever and I broke more cups than I could afford, but overall I was a good employee. I stood up and placed my hands on his desk, "Komui, you can't be serious… I swear it won't happen again…!"

"It's no use Allen. This' also for your own good." Komui said uneasily. I took my hands off of his desk and sat back down. His expression became a little happier, as he added quickly, "But you don't have to worry that you'd end up in a ditch. I've got a new job for you."

I turned my head away. I didn't want new job, I wanted to stay here with Komui and Lenalee. And I wanted to stay in contact with Kanda and make him his stupid cardamom flavored coffee, although I couldn't understand how someone could drink something like that. But I knew that Komui wasn't joking and maybe he was right. Because of me this whole place would eventually get a bad name.

"…I'm sorry, Komui. I never meant to ruin your reputation." I apologized genuinely, "You shouldn't have gone through the trouble of getting me a new job though."

"No, it's me who's supposed to be sorry." Komui pressed his palm against his face, "It's a stupid reason to fire you and Lenalee will be mad at me. But you know how important reputation is these days? There are awfully many people who don't approve with people like you."

I gritted my teeth and stood up, "People like me?" I repeated, although I knew that Komui didn't mean to offend me. But I was not 'that kind of people'. I never asked for any of this, but how could Komui or anyone else understand? Their lives were far too perfect to understand something as twisted as my life. Therefore I gave an empty look at Komui, as I took off my apron and dropped it on the floor, "You're wrong."

But Komui didn't ask me what I was talking about, as I quickly exited his office. I took my coat from a chair behind the counter and didn't even bid a farewell to Lenalee. I stumbled out of the door, almost running head first to a man, who was about to enter the coffee shop. I didn't even apologize, like I usually would.

I heard Lenalee's voice behind my back, begging me to come back, but I had no intention of returning to their coffee shop in near future. Deep inside I knew that neither one of them wanted anything bad to happen to me, but at that moment I was too bitter to admit it. The only thing floating in my mind was the fact that I had just been fired and now I had nothing.

Komui had said that he had a new job for me, but I never asked for a new job. I gritted my teeth and stopped running in the middle of a street.

Life truly was one unfair thing.

* * *

It was like a sick joke, when I found myself cleaning up the bloody floors of operating rooms. I tried not to think why there was so much blood spilled on the floor, as I quickly cleaned up the large room and dusted off the monitors around the operating table and almost ran out of the room. A few nurses who were passing by giggled at the shocked look on my face, but hell, I had to wonder how everyone in the hospital got so used to the blood.

I inhaled a deep breath and leaned my back against the white wall. It was my first day here and I still had one hour to go until I could escape this hellhole. Although the atmosphere wasn't that bad and the other employees were nice, I couldn't stand the _blood_ on the floors and on the walls and everywhere.

"Walker! This' your first day and you're already turning pale."

I turned to look at my new employer, namely Bak Chan, who was laughing at me. I had to smile, since I realized how stupid I must have looked to a professional doctor such as him, "I'm starting to get used to it."

"Really now?" Bak stated, as he ruffled my hair and walked past me, "Don't sweat it. If you need help, you know where to find me."

I nodded my head and watched as he walked away. I picked up the broom I had dropped on the floor and decided to move on to the next room. I wasn't really starting to get used to the scent of blood, but maybe eventually I could clean up the operating rooms without wrinkling my nose in disgust.

I started to pace down the corridors. I was in no hurry to go and clean up the next room, therefore I took my time to glance at the surroundings, which weren't really that interesting, but better than bloody floors. There were few patients sitting by the walls, each of them looking extremely sick and I had to look away, when I started to feel sick too.

Seriously, what has Komui been thinking when he picked this job for me? But at the least he didn't kick me out and leave me be, like he probably should have.

I smiled a little, as I thought that this might be a new beginning. Neither Lavi nor Tyki would realize to come look for me to a local hospital, unless Komui or Lenalee told them where I worked now. But I doubted that they would do such a thing.

And I doubt that even Kanda would come look for me, even if he knew where I was. He wouldn't be bothered to drag his butt here, unless he wants me to make him coffee.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

I looked up and I could hardly believe my eyes. Just when I had thought that I would never see Kanda here, there he was standing, right in front of me. I looked up at him, not knowing what I should have said. Had he followed me? I shuddered at the creepy thought and was able to mumble, "I could ask you the same."

Kanda kept staring at me and made me wonder if there was something wrong in my face. But after a moment he blinked his dark eyes and said, "And what's with the broom, beansprout?"

"What do you think?" I asked him, maybe a little bit too angrily. As I saw the doubting look he sent me, I shrugged my shoulders and stated nonchalantly, "I work here now. Is there a problem?"

"Work?_Here_?" Kanda asked and glanced the long corridor, as if he had never before been in a hospital. He then fixed his eyes back at me and took a step forward, "What about my coffee? That girl can't make even normal coffee properly."

I started to become uneasy because of his unending questions. I didn't know what to tell him. Should I tell him how my too fanatic admirers constantly kept interrupting my work? I figured that he could do the math and only shook my head, "It's nothing big. I guess I just wanted to broaden my horizons. You know, try new jobs and make new friends…"

"And you expect me to believe shit like that?" Kanda spat, "Anyway, I don't have time for you right now."

Kanda casually walked past me, his shoulder brushing against mine. I spun around to see when he walked down the corridor, until he disappeared behind a corner. His footsteps had been a little harder than they usually were and he seemed like he had been in a hurry. Did he work here too? He was pretty rich and seemed pretty sharp too, so he might as well be a doctor or something. I had never before really wondered what his choice of career was.

But if he was working in the same place as I, wouldn't that be a catastrophe? We got along just fine when we really wanted to, but if we had to work with each other, I wasn't sure how long I could stand his nasty comments.

I decided not to worry about it too much and reassured myself by saying that I had stood him commenting my work before, so the new circumstances shouldn't make much difference.

So I smiled and went to clean up the next operating room, not knowing what I should expect next.

* * *

Author's ending notes: Yullen's slowly starting to kick in, yay. Thanks for all the reviews again, you're really the best.


	6. Sixth Mistake: I met Road

**S**plitting **S**ky

Warnings for the chapter: nothin'.

* * *

**S**ixth **M**istake : I met Road

As I stepped out of the hospital the first thing I spotted was Kanda, standing by his car and a cigarette in between his lips. I frowned, since I hadn't known that he was a smoker, but approached him anyway. Eventually his eyes fixed at me and he arched his eyebrow.

"Seriously, who in their right minds would work here?" He asked and motioned toward the hospital. I looked over my shoulder and I didn't quite understand him. I had always thought that hospitals were one of the best places to work, although I never had thought about cleaning up bloodstains from the floor. Kanda continued speaking, "The coffee shop suits you so much better."

I rolled my eyes and ignored his comment, since I knew that he was only pissed because I wouldn't be there to make his coffee. I walked next to him and followed his example and leaned my back against his black car, "I didn't know that you smoke."

"I quit." Kanda replied, as he tossed the cigarette to the ground and stepped on it, "I just started again."

"Why?" I asked stupidly.

"Why the hell are you still bothering me?" He mumbled, as he walked around his car and opened the door to the driver's seat, "Let's just say that changing never helped. Get in."

I blinked my eyes, but obeyed and sat down to the seat next to Kanda. I fastened my seatbelt, unlike Kanda, who pulled out another cigarette from his pocket and lit it. He casually turned on the engines and started driving, while keeping the window open so that neither of us would choke on the smoke.

I looked at the way he casually drove while holding the cigarette out of the window. It wasn't really my business, but it was weird how Kanda suddenly became such a heavy smoker. Something must have happened to him, since few days ago, when I had last seen him when he drove me to the Komui's coffee shop, he had been fine. And when I looked closer, I could even see dark bags under his eyes.

"Kanda, are you sure you're alright?" I asked and he shot me a nasty glare.

"I've never been better." He snapped, but the way he threw his cigarette out of the window with such force, made me I doubt him. But he only tapped his fingers against the steering wheel and mumbled, "Why the hell am I doing this again?"

I let out a stray laugh at his lack of enthusiasm. Maybe Komui had been right when he had kicked me out of their coffee house, since I already felt less troubled. Maybe it was because I didn't constantly have to watch my back for Tyki or try to pretend to be interested for Lavi. At the hospital, I could start anew, yet I still had Kanda so that I wasn't completely alone.

I stared at a street, which I thought I always walked when I went home. But instead of turning his car up the street, Kanda continued to drive forward. I scratched the back of my head, wonder whether it was only my awful sense of direction or did Kanda just drive to a wrong direction. But when I became aware that Kanda really _did_ drive to the wrong direction, I cleared my throat.

"Uhh, Kanda, I think my place is the other way…"

Kanda shrugged his shoulders and didn't even look at me, "Whoever said I'd be taking you home?"

I shifted uneasily on my seat and tried to protest, "But, Kanda I think that I really should…"

"You said that you don't like being there." Kanda said, like it had been the most casual thing to say. But I winced upon hearing his words, since no one was supposed to know about the way I felt about my 'home'.

My eyebrows furrowed. If no one was supposed to know, then how come Kanda knew? Or was it plain luck or a joke? I looked at him, but his face was as serious as usually. My fists balled in my lap and I suddenly started to feel nervous. If Kanda knew about that, then what else he might know? _Did he know about Mana…?_

"I've never told you…" I said, my voice becoming weaker and quieter, "…How could you know?"

At first Kanda didn't reply, but pretended to be focused on driving. But when I reached out my hand and touched his arm, he slapped my hand away and grunted, "What the hell does it matter? And besides, you _did_ tell me." I blinked my eyes at him and he added quickly, "Don't think I'd let you stay with me. I just want coffee."

He ignored the demanding look I gave him. I couldn't stand it when he seemed to know more than I did. But when he turned on the radio, I snorted and turned my gaze out of the window. Kanda was truly a one big mystery to me. I could probably never discover every side of me, even if I had all the time in the world.

A corny and old melody started playing from the loudspeakers. Kanda looked mortified and quickly changed the radio station, until heavy rock filled the car. I wondered what kind of music he _really _liked, but I didn't bother asking him, since it wasn't that necessary. And he would probably only scoff and cuss at me for asking such stupid questions.

"You wanna listen to something else?" Kanda muttered under his breath, as if it had hurt him to say those words. My jaw fell, since it was definitely not like Kanda to ask anyone's opinion. But he quickly corrected himself, "…You know what? Never mind."

I smiled at him for trying to be polite. But somehow Kanda and polite didn't seem to fit in a same sentence, no matter how nice that might have been. I changed my sitting position to more comfortable and said, "It's alright."

"Whatever." He grumbled and gripped harder on the steering wheel.

And when a tune of a ballad poured from the speakers, even Kanda's lips twitched upwards a little. The ever-so-nostalgic _tears in heaven _drowned the sound of the traffic and had it been anyone but Kanda with me in the car, I would have definitely sung along. He might have thrown me out of his car in the middle of a street if I had done that.

"Stupid song…" Kanda muttered, although I could see a glitter of happiness in his eyes, "Makes you want to sing along."

I laughed and nodded my head briefly, "Yeah."

The sun shone through the car's window and illuminated Kanda's long black hair, making it seem a little bit lighter. I fixed my eyes at his hands, which were pressed against the steering wheel. I inhaled a deep breath of the scent of cigarettes. Everything was so nice at that moment, even Kanda's usually looming presence became less threatening.

There are times in life, when the flow of time just _stops_ and for a slip second you're lost in the moment. Well, you know, this could be that kind of moment.

I sighed and closed my eyes, thinking that maybe I could enjoy myself, while Kanda wasn't being exactly unpleasant.

_Cause I know I don't belong,  
Here in heaven._

* * *

The day had been close to normal, despite the fact that I spent it with Kanda. Even if he wasn't the nicest person in the world, he still took good care of his guests.

But because Kanda never drove me home, I ended up sleeping on his leather couch again. I stared at the wall, wondering why I hadn't taken a bus and gone home, instead of sleeping on the uncomfortable sofa. But then I remembered Kanda and how he had said, _you said that you don't like being there_, so seriously. I grunted and rolled over to my stomach.

What a bothersome situation. Everything had been so simple before I ended up sleeping with Tyki. But I guess I never appreciated those easy times, so this could be my punishment for that.

I sighed telling myself, _that must be it_. But whoever could treasure something before it's lost?

When I realized that I could get anymore sleep for the time being, I rolled over to my back. I glanced at the ceiling, before deciding that maybe I should get something to drink. I forced myself on my feet and groggily walked to the kitchen.

Because the kitchen was still quite unfamiliar to me, it took me a while to find the fridge. But as I finally found it, the lights shining inside of it pierced through the thick darkness, almost blinding me. I had to close my eyes, as I fumbled for a carton of milk. But the only thing I found was bottled water, cheese, leftovers of a pizza we had eaten earlier that day and a cucumber.

I frowned, wondering if Kanda was planning on starving himself to death or did he seriously feed on cheese and cucumber. It was a weird combination, but Kanda wasn't the most ordinary person in the world.

I picked up the bottle of water and took a little of the pizza. I didn't bother putting it in the microwave oven, since I didn't want to risk waking Kanda up.

The silence in the kitchen made me feel somewhat out-of-place. I picked up the bottle of water and thought about returning to the living room and turning on the full-HD television. But with my horrible sense of direction and the shrouding darkness, I ended up in the place where I least wanted to be.

Of course I didn't first realize that I had walked into Kanda's room. My eyes were starting to get used to the darkness, but the room where Kanda slept seemed to be darker than the other rooms. I narrowed my eyes, but I still didn't see a book on the floor, before I tripped on it and the bottle of water and the pizza flew from my hands.

With a pained grunt I fell headfirst on the floor. I fumbled for the water and the slice of pizza, but I couldn't find them anywhere near me.

I cursed under my breath, as I stood up and with shaky legs I proceeded forward. At that point, something in the back of my head started alarming me, telling me that something was not right. But I couldn't leave my food lying around Kanda's apartment…

My leg hit something soft and I fell over again. This time the landing was soft. And much to my horror, I realized that what I had fallen against was a very comfortable bed. And since Kanda lived alone, I doubted that he had more than one bed, which meant that I was really screwed.

I was thinking about getting up and getting the hell out of the room and maybe the whole apartment. But I felt the mattress underneath me move and a dim light was flicked on. Kanda was staring at me through his half-lidded eyes and a very pissed off expression was written on his features. Maybe if I had been a little bit less sleepy, I would have realized what kind of disaster I had managed to get myself into.

"What the fuck are you doing, beansprout?"

I opened my mouth to reply, but the words were caught in my throat. I was about to mumble an apology but I…

* * *

My eyes shot open and I instantly sat up. The happenings of last night flooded back into my mind, but only so faintly that I could barely decide whether I had been seeing a very realistic dream or had I in fact stumbled into Kanda's bed.

But as I looked down, I saw myself sitting on the edge of a bed, which couldn't be any other bed than Kanda's. As I realized that, I rose up to my wobbly feet and leaped away from the bed, as if it had been cursed. I turned around, but luckily the mattress behind me was empty. I sighed in relief. I even had the same, a little bit too large T-shirt Kanda had borrowed me to use as pajama.

_So maybe nothing happened after that_, I told myself and actually believed it for once. Besides, Kanda didn't seem like a person who would want to do something like _that_ with me.

I looked around the room and saw a bottle of water and slice of pizza next to the bed. I walked to them and picked them up, since last thing I wanted to do was be rude after accidentally invading someone's bed. I must have fallen asleep immediately after collapsing next to Kanda…

I tiptoed out of the room and went straight to the kitchen. I put the bottle next to the sink and threw away the slice of pizza.

I wondered where Kanda was. I doubted that I had scarred him for life, but the thought surely was a little amusing. It was hard to imagine Kanda to be shaken by my antics, since he seemed such a strong person. Or maybe all that toughness hid a vulnerable part of him, which he so badly wanted to hide from the outside world.

I stifled a laugh, as I started preparing coffee. Kanda would soon want his morning coffee anyway, so I might start working on it now.

But after I swiftly made the coffee and sat down by a small kitchen table, Kanda had still not made an appearance. I tapped my fingertips against the wooden surface and nervously glanced around the kitchen. Even the scent of coffee had not alarmed the black-haired man?

With a snort I stood up. I strode out of the kitchen and found my way to the living room.

Much to my surprise, I found Kanda lying on his stomach on the couch. His hair was open and sprawled across his back. The blanket was covering on the lower half of his body and the rest of the pale skin was left exposed. The look on his face wasn't completely relaxed, but his breathing was steady and his left arm was hanging over the edge of the sofa.

I wasn't sure whether I should have woken him up or not, but after glancing at the clock hanging on the wall, I realized that I needed to head for work soon. And if I was lucky, maybe Kanda could drive me to the hospital. But after forcing him to sleep on the couch, I wondered if he would be too thrilled to see my face.

But when I stood up, Kanda grabbed my wrist and twisted it inhumanly. I was shocked that he was even awake, yet able to grip on my hand so painfully.

"Where do you think you're going, beansprout?" He grunted, his eyes opening slowly, "You owe me one hell of a lot coffee."

I let out a pained moan, as he twisted my arm behind my back. He stood up from the couch and yanked my arm upward. I gasped and tried to squirm away, "Let go, I made you your coffee already!!"

"Really?" He asked slowly and I sensed how much he enjoyed the situation. He pressed his well-built chest against my back, while keeping me in the deadlock. That damn bastard was just as sadistic as always, even in the mornings.

"Yes!!" I arched my back and the back of my head brushed against Kanda's neck. For a moment he stopped tugging and pulling at my arm. He stood perfectly still for a moment, until my wrist started to ache so badly that I needed to squirm again, "Seriously, the coffee's ready and waiting. If you break my wrist I'll… I won't be able to make you coffee…!"

I felt Kanda breathe in against my scalp. I shivered unintentionally, when he spoke into my white locks, "You're full of surprises, aren't you?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, but my voice made my statement seem less like a question.

"Don't play me a fool." Kanda said sharply. But just when the situation started to resemble a sappy soap opera with a bad guy harassing an innocent lady, he let go of my hand and my numb limb dropped to my side. He stepped aside and regarded me inquiringly, before mumbling, "…or maybe you don't…"

The rest of the sentence was cut off and the black-haired man only walked casually past me to the kitchen. I arched my eyebrow and rubbed my wrist, my senses returning to my fingertips. I couldn't understand what Kanda was trying to say, but I guess he was acting weird because I had collapsed on his bed last night.

While massaging my tingling hand, I followed Kanda to the kitchen.

* * *

"Have fun." Kanda said, as he parked his car by the hospital.

He had been kind enough to drive me to my new work place after all. But I frowned at him and expected him to come with me, "Aren't you working here too?"

"What? No way." Kanda sneered and took a cigarette out of the breast pocket of his matrix-coat. I blinked my eyes at him and he added, "Hospitals make me sick. Even though I am a doctor myself, I'd work in a hospital only over my dead body."

"You… aren't working here?" I asked, but telling myself that he must have been only visiting the hospital yesterday. But the idea of him treating patients did seem kind of funny. I wondered if he was like _Gregory House_ and if he loved torturing his patients. Suddenly I felt excited and looked at Kanda with my eyes wide, "What kind of doctor are you? Do you enjoy making your patients feel miserable?"

"Actually..." Kanda placed the tobacco in between his lips and leaned toward me. I pressed my back against the seat and looked straight in his eye, as his face came close to mine. His lips twisted upward into a wicked smile, "…do you really want to know?"

I batted my eyelids and opened my mouth slightly. He was acting strangely _friendly_, but I liked to convince myself that nothing happened last night, except for me falling asleep in his bed.

"Kanda…" I muttered, my gaze wandering down his face and fixing on his pale red lips. A thought of swatting him flashed across my mind, but I decided against it. After all, without Kanda I would have been even more horribly late than I already was.

"Whatever." He declared quickly and sat straightly back on his seat, "It doesn't matter really, since my boss thinks I need some time off the job right now. Now get the hell out of my car or I'll start driving again."

I nodded my head and thanked him, before exiting his car as he had told me to do. As I closed the door behind my back, he immediately sped off with such speed that I was surprised polices on the other side of the street weren't alarmed.

I rolled my eyes, as I turned around and headed toward the hospital. The cleaning duties were calling, but Kanda was everything I could think. He was surely something with his sudden mood swings. I wondered if he would pick me up again today, or did I have to head home after work. And what would wait me back in my apartment? Tyki, Lavi or both?

I shivered at the thought of the two men waiting me at my place. Having those two pay a visit in same coffee shop at the same time was bad enough, I didn't even want to think what would happen if they appeared at my door simultaneously.

"Walker!"

I spun my head around and saw Bak Chan approaching me, a clipboard loosely in his hands. I smiled and greeted him, "Good morning."

"Running late, aren't we?" The man laughed, although he should have scolded me for being late. With few long paces he caught up with me and we walked side by side toward the glass doors of the hospital. Bak peered down at me and stated casually, "I'm not sure if anyone mentioned yet, but tomorrow is birthday of the head of the delivery department."

"Really?" I mused, as we walked through the sliding doors.

"Yeah." Bak confirmed and waved his hand to a pretty secretary sitting by a counter, "She's a mean old lady, but we're still going to throw a party. She's one year closer to meet her maker after all."

My eyebrows furrowed, but a small smile stayed still on my features, "Isn't that a little mean?"

"Oh, you haven't heard anything yet." Bak countered with a mischievous glint in his eyes, "But I was wondering if you wanted to come? You're new, so this' a great chance to meet your co-workers. We've booked this really nice place nearby the ocean, so you just have to say yes."

I shrugged my shoulders. I didn't have a reason why not to go, even at such short notice. I gave him a smile and said, "Sure, why not?"

Bak beamed and patted my shoulder, before pressing the 'up' button of the elevator, "Perfect! I can pick you up tomorrow at six o'clock. I'll get your address from your portfolio in my office, so don't worry about that."

"Ah…" I stared at him as he stepped in the elevator that took him to the upper floor, "…Alright then…"

He winked at me, before the metallic doors slid close in front of me. The last look Bak had given me made heat rise to my cheeks. His proposal sounded more like a date than going to a birthday party. And had the circumstances been different then maybe I…

I shook my head. I could remember Komui once saying _don't shit where you eat_. Back then he had thought that I had taken interest in Lenalee… but I knew just as well as Komui and Lenalee that work place romances were doomed from the beginning. Especially with your superior.

_And what about Kanda_? Asked a small voice in the back of my head. But I didn't know. Really, I had _no idea_.

The same secretary Bak had greeted glared at me angrily, probably waiting for me to start doing my job. I sighed and smiled at her, but she only lifted her chin and continued typing something on her small laptop. With her manicured fingernails and beautifully tanned skin she was probably trying to get Bak's attention and was annoyed that I was in the center instead of her.

But instead of worrying about the secretary, I walked to the storeroom nearby the elevators. I changed my clothes quickly and grabbed all the stuff I needed and placed them on a small cart.

I pushed the cart out of the storeroom and headed toward the wing where the operation rooms were. Busy patients and relatives buzzed in the corridors, while the nurses smiled pleasantly, clad in snow-white skirts. The first floor was always the busiest, because the most casual accidents and illnesses were treated there.

It took me ten minutes to reach the first operation room. Few doctors were standing in front of the next operation room, discussing briefly of what they needed to do to the patient. I smiled at them, but they barely noticed me, before I walked through the double doors to the room.

Much to my surprise, there was only a little bit of blood spilled on the floor and hardly any dust on the monitors. And I started to think that maybe this work wasn't as bad as I had first thought.

I stepped out of the operation room, dragging the cart behind me. I was so deep in my thoughts that I didn't notice someone standing in front of the door, until I walked straight into them. I opened my mouth to apologize, but as I saw a black-haired girl dressed in gothic lolita dress, my face paled.

"Oh, Tyki's toy." The girl swirled her tongue across her gigantic lollipop and grinned. I recognized her from the elevator, where she had called me Tyki's boy toy. I shivered, but she only seemed to enjoy the situation, "Fancy meeting you here, Allen."

"Where are your parents?" I asked, trying to keep my cool, "You should get back to them. This place isn't for children."

She laughed and stepped out of the way as I started walking and pulling the cart with me. She walked beside me and leered, "Busy to sweep the blood from the floors? You're a weird one. I wonder if Tyki knows that you're here."

"He doesn't have to know!" I snapped immediately. I didn't want him to know about my new job, because then he was bound to show up and do something stupid again.

The girl's lips curved upward into a scary smile, "Ohh, so you're hiding from him? Lord Tyki _loves_ hide and seek. He would be thrilled to know you're under the same roof as him…"

"W-what…?" the words came out of my mouth with much less force than I had intended. I stopped walking altogether and my shoulders slumped. My eyes were wide open and fixed at her in shock. Whether she was playing a prank or telling the truth, either one was equally bad. And whatever happened, having this girl know that I was here seemed to ruin everything.

"_Lord_ Tyki works here." The gothic lolita girl did a pirouette on her heals and poked my nose childishly, "A plastic surgeon, he is. He even fixed my nose after I got beaten up by bunch of pansies."

It felt like the blood stopped circulating through my body. I had walked straight into the lion's den with a smile and a hope of a new beginning. Just when I had thought that this could be when everything starts anew, everything goes back to the point where all my troubles began. Tyki, who of course was merely a part of the problem, would be the end of everything new I had started to build around me.

The girl's smile was making me feel nauseous. She could ruin everything. That's why I opened my mouth and spoke timidly, "W-whats your name?"

"Road Kamelot." She introduced herself, "But you may calm me Road."

"Alright, Road…" I closed my eyes and inhaled a deep breath. I couldn't let her ruin everything… but the only thing I could do was to say, "Whatever you do… don't tell Tyki."

Her mocking laughter echoed thorough the corridor.

* * *

Author's ending notes: I'm sorry I made you wait for this chapter for so long. The next one should be a little more interesting. So stay tuned!

_Gregory House_ is the main character of a famous TV show called _House, M.D._


	7. Seventh Mistake: Bak Chan

**S**plitting **S**ky

Warnings for the chapter: omg, guess! 8D

* * *

**S**eventh **M**istake : Bak Chan

The next day came around, but the sky wasn't as clear as it had been yesterday. It was shrouded by clouds that eclipsed the sun. Much like my mind now that my high spirits had left me.

The mornings were always the hardest part of human's everyday life, but this morning was unbearable. It had taken me good half an hour to gather myself from the bed and walk to my small bathroom. When I had glanced myself in a mirror, I told myself that there was nothing to worry about. Even though that Road girl seemed threatening, there was no reason to be all upset about her.

But I had been merely fooling myself.

And when I walked into the hospital, which suddenly seemed much less interesting, the same beautiful secretary glared daggers at me again. But yesterday I hadn't noticed the tiredness in her eyes. I wondered how many years she had spent sitting by that same miserable counter and typing on her laptop.

Yesterday, the day before yesterday and the day before that, I had never noticed that while the first floor was the busiest floor, it was also the saddest. The nurses were pretty in their skirts, but their lack of confidence was showing from the way their hands trembled when they offered a patient a pill. And the patients, as well as the relatives, were all either staring blankly into nothingness or cursing their ill-fated future.

The doctors were too busy treating the patients to notice the real problem. The uncertainty and sadness was worse than plague. It was slowly gnawing on everyone's insides, until there was nothing left.

_This must be why…_ I thought, as I slowly paced through the hall, mentally naming each sad emotion on the patients' faces, …_Kanda doesn't want to work here._

I shook my head and drove the negative thoughts away. I had always had somewhat positive attitude to life, therefore I had no reason to get sad now.

"Whoa, there."

I saw a man kneeling down and picking up papers for a young nurse. She was frantically apologizing to the man for running into him, but he only smiled reassuringly, while lifted a pile of papers from the floor and gave them to her.

My expression brightened as I saw the man's face and recognized it. My lips tugged upward immediately, "Komui!"

Komui turned his head and upon seeing me, a relieved look taking over his face. He took few long steps and caught me in a friendly, but tight hug. He released me seconds later and placed his hands on my shoulders, "Allen! I thought Bak had killed you with all the work he puts you through. I'm glad to see you're safe and sound."

"It's not that bad." I confessed, "The blood first made me feel a little dizzy, but I've gotten used to it. How about you and Lenalee?"

Komui's smile widened until he was practically beaming, "We're doing better than I thought! We got a replacement for you, but, of course, he isn't quite as good as you." My happiness flattened a little, as he told me about the replacement. But as Komui noticed this, he quickly changed the subject, "Oh, and I built a new coffeemaker, which can make coffee at top speed! It hardly takes five seconds to prepare three mugs!"

I frowned at his explanation, wondering if he had really built something like that or was he only overestimating his creation, "Really…? That sounds kind of… unbelievable."

"Hm… maybe you're right." Komui said and took his hands from my shoulders and folded them above his chest, "…Lenalee said too that the flames were a bit too much, before she threw the whole thing away. Can you believe that? Oh well, that's what you get when you try to make your coffee shop as profitable as you can."

I laughed lightly. I could imagine the scenario of Komui presenting and Lenalee rejecting the idiotic invention. I was about to throw a half-hearted joke, but then I heard someone clearing their throat behind my back. I turned around and saw Bak standing there, lazily smiling at me, before glancing at Komui.

"Are you trying to steal my employee back?" Bak asked with a grin, "You know, I'm paying him more than you do."

I supposed that the comment sounded just as twisted to Komui as it did to me. But instead of taking it to heart, I laughed in unison with my ex-employer.

Komui straightened his tie and shook his head abruptly, "Oh, gods no. I'm merely checking whether he's still alive and breathing. Knowing what kinds of jobs you make everyone do here, I'm surprised that Allen is still able to smile."

"Oh, shut it, Komui." Bak snuck his arm around my shoulder and slowly started pulling me away from Komui, "Now please excuse us, the operation rooms won't clean themselves."

Komui kept smiling and said something I couldn't quite catch, as Bak led me away from him. I would have wanted to chat with Komui a little longer, but I knew that I had work to do. And while scrubbing blood off the floors wasn't that bad, I would have rather stayed and talked to Komui, although we really didn't have anything that necessary to discuss.

When we were close to the elevators, Bak suddenly pulled me away from the crowd and pressed my back against the wall behind a corner. I frowned and looked up at him. His palm was loosely pressed against the wall next to my head, making me feel like I was trapped between him and the solid wall.

"I just wanted to check if you're still coming." Bak questioned, his voice becoming lower, "You know… the birthday party."

I nodded my head, "Yeah, I think I am."

"Good…" He cleared his throat and scratched the back of his neck, "…I was just wondering if we could… or… ah, never mind."

I frowned at Bak's nervousness. I didn't know the man quite that well yet, but he didn't seem like someone to become all nervous so suddenly. _He is planning to do you_, screamed the little annoying voice in the back of my mind. And part of me agreed with it, but then again, why everyone seemed so anxious to get into my pants these days? And neither one of them being opposite sex…

"Yeah, so… I think I should go clean up the operation rooms…" I said and hoped that he would catch the cue. And he did, because he immediately straightened his back and took a step away from me. I smiled at him and mumbled, "Thanks…"

I started walking away, but before I walked around the corner, Bak called out to me, "Hey, Allen…!"

"Hn?" I turned back around and saw him smiling too.

"You look good today." Bak stated nonchalantly and quickly spun around and walked away.

And I stared after him, my mouth stupidly left wide open.

* * *

I didn't see Bak the whole day. In fact, I kind of avoided going to places where I could have seen him, such as the hospital's cafeteria. I busied myself with my job and tried not to think about anything else. It wasn't because Bak was revolting, but because I knew that his feelings were something I could never return. He didn't make my heart beat fast or the weird sensation in my belly.

…_unlike Kanda._

My heart started racing immediately as I thought about the stoic man. I was walking toward the hospital's exit, but the moment the butterflies started floating in my stomach, I wanted to crawl to the nearest bathroom and hurl up my breakfast.

Luckily I was done with cleaning up the operation rooms and was ready to go home. I thought that I do something to distract my thoughts before Bak came to pick me up, but as soon as I stepped out of the hospital, I forgot all of my plans.

Because there he was, leaning on his car and smoking a cigarette. That Kanda Yu, who I both wanted and didn't want to see.

"Took you long enough." Kanda muttered and threw away his cigarette, as he saw me approaching. He was wearing black sunglasses, but instead of his usual Matrix-coat, he was wearing a black sweater with white print across its front. But even though I couldn't see his eyes through his glasses, I could feel his stare upon me.

"Uh… you were waiting for me?" I asked. I was sure that my voice was shaking, as I stood in front of him and looked up at him. His cool posture showed no signs of uncertainty or awkwardness, but I couldn't stop trembling, "…Y-you really shouldn't have…"

"You'd rather walk?" Kanda asked tiredly and looked up at the sky, "They said it would rain today."

I glanced up as well and noticed dark clouds gather around the sun. So Kanda had came to pick me up because it was going to rain? As absurd as it sounded, it was probably the answer. I noticed my nervousness leaving me and laughed, "How sweet of you."

"Tch!" Kanda winced and looked away. He quickly straightened his back and walked around his car and sat by the steering wheel.

I couldn't help but smile widely, as I opened the car's door and sat down next to him. He refused to look at me, but I didn't mind. Seeing him so taken aback was rather hilarious. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a mean person by heart, but Kanda was acting more and more out of character each day. _Did I have something to do with it?_

"I was busy yesterday." Kanda said suddenly. I arched my eyebrows, wondering why he was telling me that, but he continued soon, "When I came here, you had already left."

"So you…" …_You would have driven me home yesterday too?_ I fastened my seatbelt and stared blankly forward. I had left a little early yesterday and gone straight home. I hadn't expected that Kanda would come. I blinked and stated idiotically, "Oh."

"_Oh_?" Kanda mimicked, while steering the car, "_Oh_? You think I'm doing this because I think this is fun?"

I grimaced and shook my head fiercely, "Oh, no…! It's not that… I'm just…" I paused and wondered where I was trying to get at. The last thing I wanted to do was to make mad. Therefore I curved my lips upward and shrugged my shoulders, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. If I'm being a burden to you, you don't have to—…"

Kanda groaned and turned on the radio, turning the volume up until my voice was drowned under heavy guitar solo. My eyes widened at his impoliteness and I gave a harsh shove on his forearm. He surpassed a hint of laugh, but otherwise he remained calm and kept his eyes on the road. I rolled my eyes and folded my arms above my chest.

* * *

For some unknown reason I found Kanda following me to my apartment and without a word he sat down on my small couch in my tiny living room. I wasn't sure why he was tagging along all the time, but I didn't really mind his presence. And besides, he made my place feel less like home and more like a place where people like him hung out.

Which, of course, was somewhat relaxing.

But as I was about to walk into my room to pick up clothes for tonight's party, I froze to the spot. I looked at Kanda, who was lazily sprawled across the couch, his sharp eyes glancing at the ceiling.

I hadn't said anything about the party to him. It wasn't Kanda's business at all, but maybe he should have known… But telling him that some other guy would pick me up in an hour seemed somehow… wrong. That's why I stood there with a rather stupid expression on my face, until Kanda grunted and turned to look at me.

"What the fuck is it now?" He snapped, but I could tell that he wasn't really angry, although the words rang harsh in my ears.

"Oh it's just…" I smiled and walked into my room, "…I'll be leaving in an hour. My friend's going to pick me up and we'll be going to this one old lady's birthday party…"

Through the thin wall I could hear Kanda snort and shift on the couch. I prepared for a nasty remark, but instead I could only hear my own heavy breathing. I walked to a drawer, which was one of the little furniture in my room. I didn't have too many clothes either, but I found a decent looking black jacket and narrow pants.

In contrast to the black pieces of clothing, I grabbed a plain white dress shirt and a small red ribbon. I didn't know whether the birthday party would be formal or not, therefore I supposed that my choice of clothes would fit either way.

"So, who's this new friend of yours?"

The sudden question spoken behind my back made me jump and quickly turn around. I saw Kanda leaning against the doorframe and eyeing the clothes in my arms. I turned my head away and mumbled, "Well… he's just… a friend."

"Sure." Kanda shrugged his shoulders, "And I guess those two idiots who you're two-timing are _just_ _friends_ as well?"

Blood rushed up to my cheeks and I quickly protested, "I'm not two-timing them! They're not even friends, more like…" I stopped, because I didn't know what they were to me. Strangers? Rapists? I couldn't really tell, but the annoyed look on Kanda's face demanded me to say something, "…they're just people I can't get rid of. It's hard to explain and I doubt that you would understand anyway."

I hurriedly walked past Kanda and locked myself up in my small bathroom. I undressed myself quickly, trying not to think about Lavi or Tyki. But as much as I would have liked to deny it, they both were now big part of my life. Unlike Kanda, I had slept with both of them.

"Try me."

I blinked my eyes, as I heard Kanda's irritated voice once again. I stopped all of my movements and asked meekly, "…Excuse me?"

"You said that I wouldn't understand." Kanda continued sharply, his voice clear, as if we had not been separated by a door, "I doubt that there's anything in the world that would surprise me."

I snorted. He talked as if he knew everything. But there was no way he could know what it felt like to not know what was happening around you. He had never felt such insecurity after waking up next to someone who is a complete stranger to you. And in the end, there was nothing to tell, since even I had no clue what was going on.

"There's nothing to tell…" I confessed, "… Absolutely nothing."

I could almost _hear_ Kanda frown deeply, as he shot back almost instantly, "Then stop acting like nothing's wrong."

"I'm not acting!" I countered, although my voice didn't sound very assuring. I inhaled a deep breath and quickly pulled my narrow pants up to my waist and pulled up the zipper.

It was all so easy for Kanda to say. He was one of the few people who seemed to never change his attitude, no matter who he was with. He could stick with one role, because he didn't see a need to humor anyone. But unlike him, I had grown used to playing many roles and changing time to time, just to fit everyone else's tastes.

I finished dressing up, still deep in my thoughts. I gazed myself in the bathroom's mirror, wondering _why_ I needed to be polite and nice. Why couldn't I be like Kanda, irritated and rude?

But I couldn't see myself glaring angrily at anyone. I liked to see everyone smile and laugh.

With a sigh I exited the small bathroom, not really surprised to find Kanda leaning against the wall next to the door. I smiled at him, which made him look even more annoyed. It was funny how everything I did seemed to have reversed effect on Kanda.

"Dolled up enough?" Kanda grunted, as I walked past him, while fixing my hair, "You're like a fucking lady."

I rolled my eyes and decided to ignore the unneeded remark from Kanda. I knew I liked to take my time when I got ready for something and I didn't need him to tell me that. I was sure that even he would spend hours to prepare for a special event. But then again, he was _Kanda_, therefore he might be an exception…

"I want to give them good first impression." I explained, while examining myself through a small mirror I had on my living room's wall. I heard him grunt and I added hesitantly, "…Well, you know… it's my chance to start my life anew."

"Start anew?" Kanda repeated my words. Suddenly I could see him behind me through the mirror and I couldn't help but roll my eyes. I turned around and looked up at him, waited for him to laugh at me, because that would have been something I could imagine him to do. But instead he only arched his eyebrow and asked, "If you want to _start anew_, why am I still here?"

I looked at him, not knowing what to say. Of course I wanted to turn over a new leaf in my life, but I had never even thought about chasing Kanda away. Even though he was rather troublesome person, I didn't regret the day I met him. In fact, it was hard to imagine what my life had been before I met him.

"I…" I started unsurely, "…I guess I don't want to start _completely_ anew, because I don't want to lose my friends…" I cleared my throat and smiled at Kanda, "Yeah, that's it. There were just things I'd rather forget and getting a new job is one step away from those things."

"Right…" Kanda broke into a tiny smile as well. I nodded my head and turned back around to face the mirror. After a short while he chuckled hollowly and kept insisting, "I think that's what they call _running away_ from your troubles. You know that those things will come back at you, sooner or later."

As much as I would have liked to deny it, Kanda was right. I had already found out that Tyki worked in the same hospital as I.

"At least I want to _try_." I muttered, as I ran my fingers through my white hair. Even though I didn't like to use the word 'cute' as I referred to myself, I had to admit that I looked pretty admirable with the red ribbon around my neck and hair a little tousled up.

"So this idiot is part of your new start as well?" Kanda asked, his voice deeper than usual, "Maybe you're referring to starting a new love life?"

At first I didn't realize that with 'that idiot' he referred to Bak. But as the realization hit me, I spun around on my heels for the very last time and glared at him half-heartedly, "Bak is my employer. Even if I found Bak attractive, it doesn't mean that I would be stupid enough to start something with him. I mean, we both work under the same roof."

"Shit, you actually think that there's something logical in falling in love with someone?" Kanda spat, his angry voice matching with his expression. I wasn't sure why he suddenly was so worked up over Bak. I could hear him gritting his teeth as he hissed, "There's something in you that makes me want to slice your head off."

Actually the statement would have been funny if he hadn't sounded so serious. Therefore I was more than relieved when the doorbell rang and ended our argument. I lifted my chin at Kanda, before walking to the door and opening it.

"Yo." Bak greeted casually, wearing a tuxedo, but he had left home the hat he usually wore, "Are you ready to go?"

I nodded my head and slipped my feet in my shoes. But I decided that leaving Kanda alone in my house might endanger my own safety later on, I looked over my shoulder at Kanda, whose eyes were trying to pierce a hole in Bak's skull. I rolled my eyes and said to him, "Kanda, I need to go."

Bak cleared his throat as he noticed the dark-haired man, "Oh, who's this? Your friend?"

Kanda's eyes softened a little, as he looked at me, as if asking, _well now, what do you think of me?_ His eyes were as if begging for an answer, but I didn't know what to say. Before Kanda had been easily described as a 'regular customer', back when I still worked in the coffee shop. But now Kanda was a part of my everyday life without any specific reason.

I don't think that we were friends, we had never been in especially friendly terms with each other. But somehow, for some reason, there he was in my apartment and waiting for me to say whatever I saw in him.

"He's…" I started and looked at Bak, since in reality I was answering to him, not Kanda. Because I had already started my sentence, I quickly pronounced the rest of it,"… just someone I know."

My shoulders slumped, as well as did my mood. Only after saying those words, I realized how blunt I actually sounded.

But Bak didn't seem bothered, as he arched his eyebrow, "Oh, I see."

I nodded my head slowly. I could hear Kanda starting to walk my way and in an instant he passed me by and walked straight out of the door. His shoulder brushed roughly against Bak's but the said man only straightened his posture and kept smiling. And after that Kanda was gone.

I had never felt as bad ever before.

* * *

The place where the birthday parties were held was indeed close to the ocean. Lights were shining through the shrouding darkness from a villa on the edge of cliff. The parking lot where Bak parked his car was already almost full of expensive looking vehicles. I wondered if it was an unwritten rule for doctors to have a shiny black or pearly white car.

As I stepped out of Bak's car I noticed that it was black too. But because I had never known much about cars, I remained silent and smiled at Bak, who started leading me toward the villa.

"Everyone is so eager to meet you." Bak stated off-handily, trying to start a conversation.

I opened my mouth to reply, but as my eyes locked at a familiar looking limousine, all of my actions stopped. Bak ceased walking after few more steps and looked over his shoulder at me, then at the limousine.

"Is something wrong?" He asked.

"T-that limousine…" I stammered. My eyes wandered toward the cottage on the cliff, my mind asking only one question— _Tyki is here, isn't he?_ It made sense though, since he was part of personnel, but for some reason I had never even considered the possibility of seeing him here, "… That car is Tyki Mikk's, isn't it?"

Bak shrugged his shoulders, "Could be. Is he a friend of yours?" I shook my head quickly and he added, "Well, it is a slight chance you get to talk to him face-to-face, since he's most likely cornered by all those fanatic female doctors. I've only talked to him once."

I was slightly relieved, but I still couldn't shake off the uneasy feeling. I wasn't given any time to think of an escape plan, as Bak threw his arm around my shoulders in a friendly manner and guided me toward the building. I tensed, then relaxed and let Bak intrude my personal space. Being with Bak like this wasn't awkward and there was no tension between us.

But something deep inside of me screamed for someone else to be with me right then and there.

He simply _wasn't_ Kanda.

I was intending to slap myself only mentally, but ended up slapping myself physically as well. Bak gave me a weird look and laughed, "You're a funny one, Walker."

"…Uhm, thanks…" I was slightly embarrassed for doing something as random as that, but since Bak didn't seem too shaken by it, I wasn't either.

His arm was around my shoulder all the way to the door, which he opened for me. I thanked him, before stepping in and taking in the sights of the luxurious villa. The other guests were dressed elegantly, all of the women wearing beautiful gowns and men black tuxedos. The ceiling was made of glass and the hall was only dimly lit, so that when the stars came out, they would be visible on the sky.

"This place was a little bit more expensive than we had first thought, but luckily we are well-paid professionals." Bak explained, as he entered the place after me. He nodded toward a bar counter, "Do you want a drink? It's all on the house, of course."

"Uh, yes please…" I was distracted by a jazz band playing on a stage on the other side of the hall. I wondered if these people really hated the old head of the delivery department, since these parties resembled those Hollywood get-togethers you could see on TV. Or maybe they are _really_ eager to get rid of her, the fashionably way.

I turned to look at Bak only to notice that he had already gone. I didn't start to panic though, because I saw couple of familiar faces nearby the dancing crowd, even though I didn't know them by name.

Suddenly I was shoved forward roughly. I managed to keep my balance and saw a huge man, who was peering down at me with his tiny eyes. His muscles were at least three times larger than mine. I smiled and quickly walked away, because I supposed that I had stood in the wrong place and he did look like the type to pick a fight for something like that.

I headed for the bar counter and quickly spotted Bak, holding two drinks in his hands and lightly chatting with the bartender. I was a little hesitant to go to him, because I didn't want to interrupt anything. But Bak noticed me and motioned me to go to him.

"Aren't you a lucky person today Allen." Bak said and I frowned. He handed me over my glass of – something – and smiled widely, "Look who's working here as a bartender."

The bartender, who had been facing his back at me, turned around. My eyes widened and the glass fell from my hands on the floor. The piercing eyes and malicious smile were as if laughing at me.

_Tyki…?_

* * *

Author's ending notes: aeerghhh finally I was able to finish this chapter! Thanks for all your lovely reviews.


	8. Eighth Mistake: I did something wrong

**S**plitting **S**ky

Warnings for the chapter: man on man action.

* * *

**E**ighth **M**istake : I did something wrong

…_Tyki._

I couldn't hear the glass breaking into small fragments, as I dropped it on the floor. I couldn't hear Bak calling out to my name, but I saw his lips mouthing different words and phrases. Some of the guests turned to look at me, but I wasn't worried about losing my face, because their images became blurred and unnecessary.

But more than anything, I could see the smile tugging Tyki's lips. I could see him turn around painfully slow, while my heart was beating roughly on my chest. Those lips parted slowly and I could hear his voice all too clearly, as he said loud and clear, "I found you."

It felt as if a paused scene of a movie, which I was forced to watch. I could see myself standing there with a horrified look on my face and Tyki smirking at me. But if this moment had been a mere movie, I might have laughed at the stupidity of my reactions.

As the sense of reality started returning to me, I swallowed hard and turned to look at Bak, trying to send him as begging look as I could.

I guess Bak caught the hint, when he turned to look at Tyki, "Excuse us, Mikk."

Tyki nodded his head and I could feel his eyes lingering at me, as Bak placed his arm around my shoulders and led me away from the dark-haired man. I didn't bother to clean the fragments of glass from the floor and neither did Bak. I noticed that my hands were trembling and I wondered if my face was even paler than it usually was.

"I'm sorry." Bak bent his neck down and whispered into my ear, as he guided me to the dancing crowd, "I thought you wanted to see him."

I became a little angry with myself for making Bak worry about me. I shook my head quickly and said, "It's alright…" But Bak only arched his eyebrows, not really believing me. I sighed and tried not to bump into the people who were dancing around me and Bak, "I guess I little overreacted…"

Bak didn't say anything. His eyes were staring straight into mine and even if I had wanted to look I away, I wouldn't have been able to do so. When the silence between us started to become uncomfortable, Bak placed his hand on my waist and other hand behind my shoulder. He pulled me closer to him, so that my nose pressed against his collar and his cologne filled my nostrils.

"Whatever it is that happened between you and Tyki," Bak's voice was still barely audible, as he started to sway our bodies to the rhythm of the slow jazz, "I swear I'll never let it happen to you again."

My tensed shoulders relaxed against his larger body. I closed my eyes and listened to the music, while letting Bak cradle me. I felt safe, but not completely right. But I knew that if I let go off Bak, I might end up running into Tyki. Therefore I lifted my arms and tied them around Bak's back.

And then I hold onto him.

* * *

It was one of those _one thing led to another_ things, I swear. I never meant to end up in Bak's car with Bak ripping my shirt open and ravishing my neck. I suppose I had had a drink or two, since I couldn't really remember _how_ I got myself into a situation like this. My head was a little dizzy, so I didn't really internalize what was going on or what was going to happen next.

"_Baaak_…" I moaned, my voice a little indistinct. I wonder if I was still intoxicated, because I found it hard to control my movements. Therefore I only relaxed against the backseat and let Bak nuzzle his nose against my collarbone, before continuing his passionate exploration, "Uhn, Bak, that tickles…"

Bak chuckled against my skin. His hands were all over my chest and for a moment I thought if I should have known that this would eventually happen. But because all the thoughts were flowing through my head like cars in an endless traffic, I found it impossible to come to any kind of conclusion. Plus the current situation didn't give me much time to think.

Bak's cold hands finally found the hem of my narrow pants and his long fingers played with the zipper. He looked me in the eyes for a split of second, before pulling down my pants all at once. That's when I started to get a little doubtful.

"B-Bak…" I muttered quietly. I was lying on my back on the backseat and my wide eyes were fixed at Bak, "Maybe we shouldn't…"

Bak's lips moved up from my neck to my lips. His tongue was trying to slip through my slightly parted lips, but I quickly closed my mouth. But he wasn't discouraged, quite the opposite. His palm started running circles on the front of my plain white boxers, caressing my slowly stiffening member through the fabric. I wrinkled my toes and gritted my teeth, but I still couldn't help becoming excited.

"Walker…" Bak stopped his actions for a moment and whispered into my ear, "… When I first saw you… I just couldn't get my eyes off you." While he spoke, he slowly pulled down my boxers, "…I just knew that I wanted you. So when an opportunity like this comes up, there's no way I'd let it get away. I won't let _you_ get away."

His deep voice and the way he spoke resembled Tyki, but his touches and carefulness reminded me of Lavi. I gulped, finding myself frozen again. I just stared in fear, as his head moved in between my legs. A loud hoarse gasp came from my throat and my eyes snapped wide open, when his moist mouth closed around my manhood.

"B_…Bak_…" My widened eyes slipped close and dozen of new, but not completely unpleasant, feelings shot up from between my legs to my stomach and to my head. Yes, it was my first time receiving a blowjob, so I didn't quite know how to react. I tried not to act surprised, but my gasps and sudden moans most likely gave me away.

Bak pulled his head up and looked at me. I was squirming on the edge of release, sweat rolling down my temples and my breath coming up in short and uneven gasps. But I stared back at him, although my patience was running thin at that moment.

"You're so… _so beautiful_." Bak said, before dipping his head back down and gave his full attention to my throbbing member.

He took all of me in his mouth and I bit my bottom lip in ecstasy. He realized that I couldn't hold myself any longer and quickly pulled away and suddenly my tensed muscles relaxed. I let out a long breath and let my whole body slump against the soft seat.

But as I noticed the mess I had made, I quickly looked away and suddenly felt really ashamed of what we had just done. When I started to think about it, letting Bak do something like _that_ was really wrong and embarrassing. _I don't even know him that well_! I felt heat rush to my cheeks and I tried to stutter an apology.

"Walker…" Bak sighed contently, as he lied down on top of me. I could feel his hard-on through his pants against my thigh, which made me feel even more uncomfortable. But the man only kissed my forehead and said, "You're so wonderful. I wish I could have you all to myself and never let anyone else see or touch you."

I squirmed a little underneath him and swallowed hard, "…B-Bak…"

"You don't have to say anything." Bak took my hand in his. He slowly pressed my palm against his chest and slowly farther down. Soon I realized that my palm was pressed against his erection, which, thank god, was covered by clothes.

I knew that he craved for same treatment as he had given me, but the mere thought of giving him a blowjob made me feel nauseous. I yanked my hand away and said quickly, "I'm sorry, I've never—…"

"It's alright." Bak added quickly. He got up and exited the car, which was getting rather steamy, "Wait here, I'll be right back."

I looked through the car's window and saw him hurry back inside of the seaside villa, probably heading for the restroom. I dressed up quickly and got out of the car. At first I thought that I should run away, but then I decided that it was rude enough not to offer a helping hand, _or mouth_, to Bak. If I ran away, he knew where I lived and could as well come and visit.

Even though the whole thing with Bak had been disgusting enough to make me want to throw up, right now I felt completely empty inside. Much to my surprise, my conscience wasn't cussing at me. Actually there was hardly any emotion overwhelming me.

But I could say for sure that I felt nothing for Bak. Even after all the sweet things he said, when I looked at him, he was just like any other person to me.

When Bak after several minutes jogged back to the car, I felt tears welling up in my eyes. Happiness was almost radiating from him, but that happiness would soon be gone once he realized that I didn't feel anything for him. All he ever could become was a friend, but nothing else.

"Is everything alright?" Bak asked, as he stood in front of me. I instantly nodded my head, but he remained cynical, "Are you sure? Did I do something wrong? You didn't want me to do what I did, right?"

I didn't know what to reply without breaking his heart, therefore I just asked, "Could you drive me home? It's getting late and all…"

"Oh." Bak stated bluntly. He gazed over his shoulder at the cottage by the sea, but then shrugged his shoulders, "Why not? It's not going to be any fun without you anyway."

I walked around the car and sat down on the passenger's seat. I fingered my seatbelt anxiously and wished to be anywhere but in the same car with Bak.

Bak seated himself behind the steering wheel. He was about to start the engines, but then he turned to look at me. And when I accidentally happened to look his way, he swiftly leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss on my lips. After that he started the car with a relieved smile on his face. I frowned, but let him stay in his dreamland for a little longer.

_I don't have to tell him,_ I told myself mentally, _that he is close to nothing to me._

* * *

I was standing in elevator, waiting for it to reach the seventh floor, where my apartment was waiting for me. I had my back pressed against the wall and my eyes feeling sore for holding back all the emotions that ambushed me right after Bak dropped me off. Seriously, if I hadn't known better, I might have jumped down from the roof, just to get rid of all the self-pity.

When the elevator's doors slid open, I noticed a figure of a man sitting on the floor next to my apartment's door. I wondered if it was just some unconscious drunken man, but when I took few steps closer, I could recognize familiar long black hair.

"…Kanda…?" I asked unsurely. But the man moved upon hearing my voice and I became full aware that it actually was _Kanda_ sitting right outside of my apartment. I forgot all of my self-loathing and quickly ran through the small corridor and sat down in front of Kanda, "Kanda? What are you doing here?!"

Kanda looked up and I saw a black bruise right under his left eye. I was slightly taken aback by his expression, which was as if asking me _well, what do you think of me now?_

"What happened?" I breathed out quietly, as I moved closer to Kanda and took a better look at his bruised face, "Were you in a fight?"

Kanda snorted, "Since when you started to feel sorry for someone's you _just know_?"

I gritted my teeth at his remark. I know I had been stupid when I said that, but I had never thought that Kanda would actually use it against me. I already felt bad enough without him reminding me of all the stupid things I had done. But when I looked at him and the bruise covering his perfect skin, I somehow got the feeling that all I ever caused him was harm. And yet, here he was again.

_He must be a masochist_, I thought, while my vision was gradually blurring, _he knows that I will only make him sad in the end._

"You… _you idiot!_" was all I managed to blurt out, as I lunged forward and pressed my face against his chest. My hands found their way around his neck and without shame I started sobbing, making his white shirt damp. I positioned myself between his legs and clung onto his larger form. In between my weeps, I was able to ask, "…why… why are you here?"

I suppose Kanda was stunned by my sudden outburst, since it took him a while to relax his tensed muscles. I was surprised when his arms closed around my back and pulled me even closer to him. I tightened my grip around his neck and shivered when Kanda's hot breath touched my earlobe. His body was cold compared to mine, much like snow on hot asphalt.

"Does it matter?" Kanda questioned quietly, "…You're here now."

My sobs ceased and my damp eyes were staring straight at the white fabric of Kanda's shirt. I wondered what he meant with what he said, but I disagreed with him nevertheless, "No… What really is important that you are here." I inhaled a shaky breath and continued a little timidly, "Even though you know that… you'll be hurt…"

Kanda let out a light laugh that tickled my earlobe. His low voice sent chills down my body, "Are you planning on double-crossing me?"

I shook my head quickly, "It's not that! But—…"

"But everyone who falls for you are being hurt?"

It was like Kanda could see right through my heart. I gulped and as a reply I nodded my head. Before Tyki and Lavi came into the picture, I had never had this many admirers at the same time. And now that _everyone_ seemed to have intentions of doing me, I guess I just couldn't handle it. Therefore they all are miserable because of me.

"Shit, that just might be the case though." Kanda muttered, "Sometimes even I hope that I would have never met you."

I swallowed a lump in my throat and sniffed rather loudly, "I'm sorry."

"You should be." Kanda retorted and he pulled me as close as it was humanly possible.

My butt was starting to hurt from sitting in an uncomfortable position on the floor and my arms were turning numb. I couldn't have gotten any more uncomfortable, but as long as he held onto me, I never wanted to pull away. Being close to him was so much different than being close to Tyki, Lavi or even Bak.

I averted my eyes from his chest to the bruise under his eye, "That must've hurt."

"Oh, but you should've seen that other guy's face." Kanda countered with a mischievous grin. But as he saw my worried expression, he rolled his eyes, "Don't tell me you've never wanted to beat the hell out of anyone."

I shrugged my shoulders, since I couldn't really deny his statement. Suddenly my sad mood was gone and I felt plain content and happy. I smiled widely at Kanda, not really caring if I freaked him out, "Do you wanna come inside? I could make you coffee…?"

"That makes me wonder…" Kanda shifted a little and I immediately pulled a little away from him, "…Why are you clinging to me in the first place?"

Heat rose immediately to my cheeks and I staggered farther away. I tried to mutter an excuse, but because nothing clever came out of my mouth, I stood up and searched through my pockets for my apartment's key. My hands were trembling, so it must have looked rather stupid how I tried to shove the key in the small keyhole.

I could hear Kanda laugh mockingly behind my back and I frowned. I turned around and much to my surprise, Kanda was right behind me. I let out a barely audible gasp and propped my back against the door to my apartment. I was caught off-guard when Kanda started leaning closer to me.

Kanda sighed, as he took the key from my hand and easily opened the door. The lock opened with a loud 'click', which made me jump. The dark-haired man dropped the key back into my coat's pocket, "…Seriously though, what would you do without me?"

I surpassed a soft chuckle and looked at our feet, "Uh, yeah… well… are you coming in?"

Suddenly Kanda's slightly humored and amused expression fled and it was replaced with blankness. I wondered if I had said something wrong, because his whole appearance seemed to take turn to darker.

"I'm tired of looking at your face. I'm going home, bye." Kanda said in a straightforward manner and turned to leave.

"W-wait…!" I lifted my hand and quickly grabbed his wrist. He stiffened, but relaxed when I mumbled nervously, "I mean… It would be great if you… stayed."

Kanda yanked his hand free and folded his arms above his chest, "What's in it for me?" I arched my eyebrow in confusion and his malicious smirk grew into a small grin, "What do I get for staying? Do I get the same treatment as everyone else?"

I blinked my eyes and repeated his words, "Treatment? Everyone?" I shook my head and replied quietly, "… I don't understand. I was thinking about serving coffee… or tea?"

"Don't play dumb with me." Kanda grunted and slammed his open palm against the door, right next to my head. I let out a yelp and covered my face with hands, afraid that he might attack my face. But strong fingers laced around my wrist and forced me to look at Kanda's face, which was only few inches away.

"I-I'm sorry!" I apologized, although I didn't know why. I couldn't recall doing anything wrong, but since Kanda's dark eyes were staring straight at my crystal blue ones. It was first time I saw Kanda _snap_ without a clear reason. And it was scary.

"Sorry for what?" Kanda spat rather angrily. I wondered if he could hear my quickened heartbeat or did he see the nervousness in my eyes. But in the end, he didn't either care or chose to ignore, since he only pointed his finger at the bruise under his left eye, "You know that it hurts? It hurts like hell and still you treat me like shit compared to those guys, who are free to do whatever they please with you."

"Kanda, what are you—…"

Kanda punched the door beside my head and I winced. He narrowed his eyes and leaned even closer, "Don't fuck with me. You act like you don't understand, but we all know that you're not as innocent as you might seem. God, you're a fucking hypocrite, worst of the kind."

I couldn't believe he was saying all these things. Even for Kanda, who sometimes said things a little too bluntly, this was a little off. I suppose we had never been the best of friends, but this wasn't the way things were supposed to be.

I knew that Kanda wasn't an evil person. Therefore it had to mean that I had done something to make him mad. I bowed my head down and whispered, "…I'm sorry… Could you tell me what I've done wrong so I could fix it?"

"Fix it? _Fix it?!_" Kanda asked. If he had been angry earlier, now he was thoroughly _furious_. I gulped and started regretting everything I had said, since I didn't know which one of the things I did or said made him so mad. But Kanda felt no mercy, "You're so messed up. It's like you'd have to complete opposite personalities. The one who you need to fix is _yourself_."

My knees started to become weak and my mind was asking one simple question, _where did I go wrong?_ But no matter how much I searched for an answer, I couldn't think of any _real_ reasons and I couldn't come to a reasonable conclusion.

Just when I was about to break down, Kanda's dark eyes suddenly softened a little and he quickly straightened his back. He took few long steps away and looked anywhere but me. He seemed even a little _guilty_, when he cleared his throat and said with his voice calm, "Forget it. I suppose I had no reason to get so worked up over it."

My eyes were still wide open and my lips slightly parted. I wanted to ease his guilt by saying that I somehow might have deserved his sudden tantrum, but I could only stare at Kanda. He really did know how to confuse me.

And somehow, even though he was really scary, he was beautiful too. His temper and his fiery personality, it all fit together just right. Therefore I couldn't hate him, no matter what he said.

"I'm sorry…" I repeated my apology, "…I don't know what I should do… but I don't want you to hate me."

Kanda turned around and slowly began walking away. When he was standing in front of the elevator, the last thing he said was, "Hate you? Bah." After that he walked into the elevator and rode it down to the first floor.

When all noises in the staircase died down, I finally let my knees give up and collapsed on the floor.

I was so confused I wanted to scream and cry, but because I knew that my neighbors were already pissed off at me, I kept myself from doing that. Instead I pressed my palms against my face and started sobbing one more time.

* * *

Author's ending notes: Thank you for more than 110 reviews! It's nice to see how many people have taken time to read and review to this story. And I'm sorry this chapter is a little shorter than the other ones.


	9. Ninth Mistake: Lavi

**S**plitting **S**ky

**W**arnings for the chapter: violence.

* * *

**N**inth **M**istake : Lavi

My cell phone kept ringing on the floor beside my bed. It had been ringing the whole morning, but I was too deep in my self-pity to even find out who was desperately trying to reach me. I suppose it was Bak though, since I never showed up at work.

My eyes were burning, but I refused to close them. I wasn't sure if I had fallen asleep at all that night. I suppose I hadn't, since my head was almost ready to burst and my numb limbs were aching all over. Despite the lack of sleep, the time seemed to pass me by so quickly after I lied down on my bed, yet the state of my mind remained pretty much the same.

The phone kept playing same boring tone all over and over again. I wondered how long it would take until someone showed up behind my door. It was most likely that Bak would eventually come, since he knew where I lived and probably was worried sick. But I didn't care.

I didn't care much about anything at that point. I didn't care if I got fired— my job sucked anyway. I didn't care if my friends would give up on trying to contact me. It would have been great if everyone would have simply _stopped_ bothering with me.

"…shut up." I mumbled, my fingernails digging to the skin of my palm. _I was so tired_. The phone kept ringing, breaking the silence in the room. Its voice was driving me crazy, "Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up. _Shut up_."

I kept repeating the same words, but it was as if I was only taunting my phone to ring louder. Eventually it felt like we were screaming to each other, both wanting to be heard. I was aware that my voice grew louder, especially when I covered my ears with my hands, so that I would only hear myself shouting. I just wanted to be alone.

Suddenly I grabbed my cell phone from the floor and threw it hard against the wall. It cracked into three pieces and fell on the floor, silenced and broken. Immediately thick silence wrapped all around me and I didn't feel as comfortable as I had thought I would.

I felt lonely.

I stumbled to my feet and made my way to the fragments of my cell phone. I picked them up and tried to put them back together. My hands were trembling and the pieces of the phone kept falling back down on the floor. I shook my head and mumbled, "N-no, don't go breaking on me…!" But even when I placed the battery in its place, the phone remained dead.

"S-shit…" The small cell phone fell from my hands. I crouched on the floor, propping myself on my elbows. I breathed heavily in and out, gasping for air, as if I had just run one thousand miles. My mental rampage was tiring me out physically.

As my eyes frantically glanced around my room, I spotted my diary on the floor by my bed. With all the strength I could gather, I reached out to it and opened it at a random page. I looked through my old writings and attempts at poetry, which made me smile nostalgically. They made me long for the times when everything had been normal.

Eventually I reached the page that was not written by me. It was the page, which told what had happened with Tyki and Lavi. And I still had no idea who had written it. (1)

I turned the next page, where I had written the question '_Who are you?_'.

My mind was still hazy and I had to rub my eyes to make sure that I wasn't seeing things. The last thing I had expected was a reply to my question. I took a quick look at the previous page and realized that the foreign handwriting was the same on both pages. I swallowed hard and read the piece of writing,

_Funny, how I am so fully aware, but you're yet to realize. There is someone close to you, who should be able to tell the difference though. But the given circumstances we won't be able to meet each other._

_I know it is hard to deal with the loneliness But that's the reason I exist. My reason to live is to help you. To smother the unpleasant thoughts and feelings._

_I will love you forever._

I closed my eyes and tossed the diary away. I didn't want anyone to love me, especially some anonymous person, who wrote nonsense in my diary. I wanted everything to go back to normal. What did I ever do wrong to deserve all these unexplainable things happening to me? I have never slept with my friends' spouses or killed anyone.

"Why…?" I asked out loud, dropping my head to the ground with a loud noise that echoed in my skull, "…Why, god, or whoever is out there, _why_?"

The doorbell rang twice. It made my throbbing headache even worse, but I collected myself from the floor. My feet felt like noodles and my shoulder collided with the doorframe, as I hurried out of my room to open the door.

Who could it be? Bak? Lavi? Tyki? …_Kanda_?

I found myself eager to find out who I was about to face. I tried to walk faster, which almost made me fall on the floor. I supported my weight on the wall, as I reached out to open the door.

"Kand—…" I started, but stopped when I saw red hair and a smiling face behind the door.

"Allen, hun!" Lavi spread out his arms, as he invited himself in and scooped me into a warm embrace. I let out a panicked breath, as my cheek pressed against his chest. He was beaming, as usual, as he hugged me, "I missed you terribly! I have been meaning to come see you, but… well…"

I pulled away and looked up at him. My eyes widened when I saw a large cut on his bottom lip and a bruise on his temple, "What happened?"

"Oh, well, you see…" Lavi cleared his throat and put some distance between us, "I tried to come here yesterday. But I was sent home by that matrix-man. Well, we got into a small fight, but it's no biggie."

As I remembered Kanda's bruised face, it all made sense, although things got even more complicated. Why would Kanda prevent Lavi from seeing me? Did he want to… protect me? The mere thought of Kanda wanting to protect absolutely anyone was so absurd that I surpassed a small laugh. I slowly started coming to a conclusion that Kanda didn't need motives for his actions.

My head spun even faster than before from walking all the way to the door. I started swaying back and forth uncontrollably, my noodle legs starting to give in.

"Lavi…" I mumbled and pressed my palm against my forehead, "…I feel… a little dizzy…"

Suddenly the floor came closer to my face, before everything went black.

* * *

_The train station had a cold atmosphere about. People without faces were bidding their farewells to their loved ones, as they traveled to places far away. It was such sweet sorrow, for parents to let their children leave their homes and for lovers and friends to separate from each other. But their sorrow didn't really concern me._

_Train was merely one of the many ways to travel around the world, which was like home to me. I _had_ no home, yet home was everywhere I went. And I was so happy._

_I ran back and forth the long aisle beside a train. I laughed. I cried._

_But suddenly the train station wasn't a train station any longer. The faceless people around me weren't sad any longer. In fact, they started to laugh and point their fingers at me. Their laughter didn't hold any hint of amusement, only plain mockery. At first I thought they were laughing at me, but then I noticed that they were actually staring at something behind my back._

_I tried to turn around, but instead my legs started to carry me forward. _

"_Mana, Mana, Mana!" __I screamed. I searched through the crowd of the faceless people, but what I was searching for, wasn't there. My panic turned to anguish and in my distress, I kept screaming, "MANA!"_

_My scream was followed by another, but it was only louder and unlike mine, it was cry of pain. The people's laughter around me only grew louder, as if to smother the screams of pain._

_Finally I turned around to look at what the people were staring at. _

_I saw infernal flames that were so bright and so hot that I wanted to look away. But instead I stared at a burnt face of a man in the midst of the fire. His mouth was wide open in a horrified scream and his dull eyes were staring straight back at me. His face was twisted in pain and his hand was reaching out, begging for help._

_I was paralyzed. I screamed._

"_Mana_!!" I shot up from my bed and felt the blood rush to my head with such speed that it made me collapse back on my thin mattress. My head spun for a moment, until I came back to my senses and tried to recall the dream I had just had.

I jumped a little, as a warm hand landed on top of mine. I turned my head to see Lavi sitting on the floor beside my bed. He was staring at me, concern filling his eyes, "Are you alright, hun?" he asked. He placed his other hand on my forehead, "You are like on fire. Are you feeling well?"

I stared at the red-haired man without saying a word. The happenings of my recent dream started to become blurry in my mind, but I still felt oppressed. I closed my eyes and breathed heavily in and out, trying to convince myself that what I just saw was merely a dream. It had been a long time since I last saw any kind of nightmare.

As I opened my eyes again, I smiled weakly at Lavi and asked, "I'm okay. You don't need to worry."

"Of course I worry!" Lavi stated confidently and clenched my hand, "You passed out on me! There's no way I wouldn't worry."

I let out a small laugh to calm him down. I sat up slower this time and massaged my temples, "I'm sorry. I guess I didn't sleep well last night." _Actually, I didn't sleep at all_. I looked Lavi in the eye and smiled reassuringly, "How long was I out?"

"About an hour." Lavi answered and helped me to stand up, even though he was hesitant, "Maybe you shouldn't get up just yet."

I shook my head and persistently walked out of my room, "No, I really need to go to work. I'm already horribly late and I…" I had to stop walking when Lavi grabbed my wrist and pulled me against his chest. I tensed my shoulders and tried to struggle free, "…Lavi, I really got to go…"

Lavi moved forward, pushing me backward against a wall. As I relaxed against the surface behind me, Lavi took a step backward, but still stood awkwardly close to me. He had a worried look on his features and I knew that all he wanted was to make sure I was alright. But all I could stare at was the bruise on face. _That's my fault_.

"You shouldn't overdo it." Lavi touched my chin with his long fingers, "You're pale."

_I don't want to hurt him_. I gritted my teeth to smother my grief, since I didn't want him to see me cry, "I'm always pale."

Lavi laughed and nodded his head, "You're right." He glanced my lips, before fixing his one visible eye back at my eyes. He stared at me as if he had never seen anything like me. As I started to feel rather uncomfortable, he sighed and said, "Gosh, I've missed you."

"I…" I blinked at him and I had to admit that maybe I had wanted to see him again, "… missed you too."

Lavi was such a good person. His heart was truly made of gold, so how could I ever tell him to leave me alone? His sweet smile and warm hands were so comforting, but I craved for something else. I didn't want to deceive myself, but I knew that in the end, both he and I would get hurt. But on the other hand, his presence was a little reassuring.

I stared at him and tried to make a decision between driving him away or letting him stay. But if I made him leave, I would be alone again. I groaned and held my head, tormented by all the possibilities. But the truth was that if I kept living my life this way, I might end up being all alone, hated by everyone. It wasn't fair to lie to Lavi or anyone else.

Fortunately, before my mind was able to kill me, Lavi took my hand in his and said cheerfully, "Hey, how about we go out? If you are feeling better already that is."

"Uhh, well…" I tried to relax my tensed shoulders. I didn't have a reason to decline his proposal, so I nodded my head, "I guess we might as well…"

* * *

I heard Lavi talk about something, but I must have been too deep in my thoughts, since he had lost me. Therefore I pretended to listen to him, while I quietly walked beside him and stared at the street signs and counted how many red cars I could spot in the traffic.

Eventually Lavi noticed that I wasn't paying attention. He let out a laugh and waved his hand in front of my eyes, "Earth to Allen."

"Ah, sorry, sorry." I scratched the back of my neck absently and smiled at him, "I kind of lost track of what we were talking about."

"S'okay." The redhead stated casually. He snaked his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him, making me feel a little uncomfortable. As he noticed my uneasiness, he immediately let go and hid his embarrassment in half-hearted laughter, "Allen, you're so cute. I can't believe how you can walk around without being molested by everyone."

_I am being molested by everyone_, I sighed mentally, but kept smiling and let out an awkward snicker, "Is that supposed to be a compliment?"

"Of course." He poked my cheek childishly and grinned. Then he motioned toward the familiar coffee shop on the other side of the street, "Ah, we're here. I know you used to work there, but you don't mind going there, do you?"

I stared at Komui's coffee shop, nostalgia taking over me. I could remember every morning when I woke up and came here. It was like my life had started here, at Komui's coffee shop, since it was my first official job and Lenalee was my first official friend. I smiled at all the memories, while answering Lavi's question, "I don't mind at all."

"Great!" Lavi said, as he grabbed my hand and led me across the street, "You know, I come here everyday. Me and Lenalee get along pretty well."

I arched my eyebrows as we walked inside, "Really? That's great." As we were inside, I glanced around, but could see neither Lenalee nor Komui. There was a man with spiky blond hair and white apron standing behind the counter. I supposed he was the new guy Komui had hired. I looked at Lavi and said in defeat, "I suppose we won't see Lenalee today."

Lavi nodded his head, "I remember she said something about going to picnic with her brother."

Allen frowned, since it was already almost winter, but then again, Komui had a tendency to do weird things and drag his sister into everything. But as his only sibling, Lenalee didn't seem to mind watching after his older brother. Sometimes Allen wished that he had had a sibling as well.

"Yo, Reever." Lavi greeted the man behind the counter, "What's up?"

"Ah, Lav—…" The man called Reever stopped in the middle of his sentence, as he saw Lavi's face and almost dropped a plate he had been drying. He placed the plate on the counter and took a closer look of Lavi's face, "Dear god, what happened to your face?"

I looked away, knowing that Lavi's injury was my fault. The redhead glanced at me, probably judging my reaction to decide what he should say. As he let out a small chuckle, I turned to look at him as he said casually, "Ahh, I was drunk and got into a fight. But compared to him, this is nothing! I rearranged that guy's face."

"I see, I see." Reever seemed relieved enough and turned to look at me. He stared at me for a moment, before his expression lightened upon realization, "You must be Allen. I mean, you _can't_ be anyone but Allen. Everybody is talking about you."

"M-me? How come?" I asked unsurely.

"You're the source of drama around here." Reever joked and motioned us to sit down, "C'mon, sit your asses down. Order anything you want, everything's on the house for you guys."

I sat down next to Lavi, trying to keep a friendly distance between us. But he kept persistently leaning toward me and casually brushed his hand against my arm, pretending to do it accidentally. I sighed, but didn't do anything about it. After all I got coffee for free, so I had no reason to complain. Therefore I forced myself to relax.

"By the way, Allen." Lavi started, holding his glass of iced tea in his hand and propping his arms on the counter, "I know that you might not know, but do you know if Komui's a single?"

I was taken aback by the question and as I quickly shifted my eyes at Reever, I noticed that his shoulders tensed and red color rising to his cheeks. I blinked my eyes in confusion and shrugged my shoulders, "I suppose he is. If he had someone, I'm positive that at least Lenalee would have told me."

"Lavi…" Reever muttered darkly and gave a threatening glare to Lavi, "I'd appreciate it if you minded your own business."

"Ah, of course." Lavi winked and threw his arm around me once again. I tensed, but instead of letting me go, he pulled me close and whispered into my ear, "Seems like I'm not the only one whose love is unrequited." He nodded his head vaguely toward Reever, who had turned his back at us, "…But then again, maybe he'd have a chance with Komui…"

I swallowed hard and listened to Lavi's breathing against my earlobe, "…Lavi…"

"_Allen_?"

I immediately winced away from Lavi's grasp and turned around on my stool. I saw Kanda's stunned face. He had just called out my _real_ name, hadn't he? Not any mocking nickname, but my name. _My name_. Not beansprout.

I stared at him, my mouth hanging open rather stupidly. It was almost like we had approach the next level in our twisted friendship.

"K-Kanda…" I breathed out, still feeling rather foolish. But I couldn't focus on my own stupidity, when I saw the indescribable mixture of defeat and sadness in his face. It was like I had stabbed in him the back. I stood up and took an unsure step forward, "Kanda, what are you doing here…?"

Kanda only grunted and suddenly his eyes filled with loathe, as he glared Lavi, "What is _he_ doing here?"

"We're on a date of course." Lavi replied before I could. I turned to look at him, trying to silence him by fiercely glaring at him. But he didn't seem to want to stay silent, as he stood in front of me and defiantly continued, "Not that it's any of your business. Unless you're his father."

"You son of a—…" Kanda leaped forward and grabbed Lavi by his collar, "Do you want me to rip your eye out this time?!"

Lavi tried to push Kanda away, only to end up falling down on the floor, somehow managing to bring down one of the tables with them. I gasped and ran to yank Lavi away from Kanda, but the redhead persistently aimed for Kanda's face. I grabbed his wrist and with all my strength, I managed to keep him from punching the other one.

"Stop it!!" I screamed, as Lavi shrugged me off. I rolled on the floor, just in time able to see as Kanda pressed Lavi down on the floor and let his fist connect with the other one's nose. I stumbled to my feet, but before I could reach the fighting pair, Reever had already pulled Kanda away from Lavi.

"If you want to fight that badly, take it outside." Reever spat, as he let go off Kanda, when he was sure that he wouldn't attack Lavi again. He fixed his eyes at Kanda and motioned toward the door, "I must ask you to leave." After that he walked to Lavi and help him to his feet, "And I'll have to ask you to leave as well after we've taken care of that bleeding nose of yours."

Lavi cursed under his breath, as he held his bleeding nose and followed after Reever to the backroom. I hoped that he would be alright, but more importantly, I hoped that this wouldn't cause any unnecessary trouble to Kanda.

I stared at the dark-haired man, who wiped Lavi's blood from his hand to a handkerchief. Despite just being in a fistfight, he didn't seem aggressive at all. His breathing was a little heavier than usual and a droplet of sweat rolled down his temple, but he didn't show any signs of fury or regret. It was amazing, how he could stand proud after punching someone straight in their face.

Eventually Kanda's eyes fixed at mine and I shivered. I had to admit that I was afraid. While it wasn't out-of-character for Kanda to be violent, I had never before seen this side of him.

"What're you staring at, beansprout?" He asked, but he didn't sound angry at all. I swallowed hard, as I realized that behind that supposedly emotionless stare, was great deal of sadness. I looked away, when he asked his next question, "Are you scared of me now?"

I shook my head and answered, probably a little too quickly, "N-no!"

"I see." Kanda said between his gritted teeth, as he threw the handkerchief away and started to make his leave without another word.

I wanted to follow him, but my feet were glued to the floor. I watched as he left the café more quietly than I expected. I was expecting him to shut the door with such force that the doors would shake and the glasses on the shelves would fall down. But instead he closed the door even more slowly than he would have usually.

I gritted my teeth and attempted to follow him, but instead my legs carried me to the backroom, where Lavi sat on the floor, while Reever handed him ice cubes, wrapped in a towel.

"Lavi…" I said quietly and tried to approach him.

"Allen, shouldn't you go after that man?" Lavi countered with a question and looked away. His voice sounded a little funny since he was pressing the ices to his nostrils "I'd hate you to see me like this…"

"I suppose I should get back to my work." Reever informed quickly, before walking past me and exited the backroom.

I slowly and quietly walked to Lavi and sat down next to him. I took a shy look at his face and cleared my throat, "…I'm sorry."

"It's not like you punched me." The red-haired man stated nonchalantly, although his bitterness was all over his face. He let out a sharp breath through his mouth and smiled longingly, "God, I'm such an idiot."

"No, you're not." I said and I really meant it. It wasn't stupid to fall in love. It was me who was the fool, for letting him think that I could love him back. I sighed and placed my hand awkwardly on his', "It's never stupid." I bit my lip, as I thought about Kanda. _With him, I feel like a fool though_. I shook my head and said confidently, "Even if it's unrequited, it's not idiotic to be in love."

"You think so?" Lavi laughed unenthusiastically, "Well, if you think that way, then it must be true."

We sat in silence for a moment. I listened to his breathing and counted the white tiles on the wall. Maybe eventually we could do this more often, just sit down and be there as friends. But I doubted that after everything we had done together we would always share a bond that was something deeper than friendship.

Finally Lavi got tired of the silence and spoke quietly, "You love him, don't you?"

I knew that he meant Kanda. But did I really love him? After all the experiences with Lavi, Tyki and Bak, I wasn't sure what _love_ truly meant any longer. Before I had thought that love meant sharing the same bed and borrowing each other's clothes. I thought it was all about cheesy pet names and overly sweet talk before going to bed.

But when it came to Kanda… I was sure I felt something that was beyond normal friendship. But the feelings for him couldn't possibly be put into one word, since his mere presence was enough to make several emotions run through me.

"I…" I said the words _I love Kanda_ in my mind, and they didn't sound weird at all, "…I love Kanda."

_I really… love him?_

* * *

(1) To refresh your memory, this diary page was first mentioned in the end of chapter two.

Author's ending notes: I'm so very very very sorry it took so long (again) to finish this chapter. Thanks for your reviews once again, they always make me all happy-happy and smiley.


	10. Tenth Mistake: Tyki Mikk

**S**plitting **S**ky

**W**arnings for the chapter: attempted sexual harassment.

* * *

**T**enth **M**istake : Tyki Mikk

Next day I had to go back to work. I wasn't quite in the mood to clean up the bloody floors, but I couldn't keep ditching the work forever. Therefore, without even trying to smile, I walked toward one of the wings in the hospital, pulling a cleaning cart behind me.

I had never been to that part of the hospital, but I wasn't bothered to care or worry if I got lost. There were important looking patients sitting on a row of seats and I half-heartedly wondered if this was where the private clinic was located. One of the women sitting glanced at me through her thin eyeglasses, wearing expensive looking clothes and reading Vogue. It was rather comical really.

With a sigh I glanced at a map I had drawn on my palm. I had to clean two operating rooms, since I heard the one who usually took care of cleaning up this wing had caught a cold. Somehow I found myself envying that person for having a day off.

"Let's see…" I mumbled as I pushed open a door to a, somehow very different looking, operating room. Compared to the other rooms, this was larger than the others and tools and gadgets looked much more expensive.

I grabbed the broom from the cleaning cart and dipped it into the bucket of water and floor washing detergent. But when I was about to start cleaning, I noticed that there was no blood on the floor. Actually there was _nothing_ on the floor, not a stain on its shining surface. It was almost as if someone had just come by and cleaned the room.

I heard the door open and close behind my back. I whipped my head around and gasped as I saw Tyki smirking in front of the door. I dropped the broom I was holding and stumbled few steps back, "…Tyki…?"

"So what Road said was true after all…" Tyki stated, as he walked past me and sat down on a stool by the operating bed, "I wouldn't believe her, as she told me that you were working under the same roof as I. What a small world we live in."

I backed away toward the door, "…I'm only here to clean the operating rooms. B-but this one's already clean so…" As my back hit the door, I turned around and tried to pull it open, but it was locked. My eyes widened.

I was alone in a room. _With Tyki_.

"It was very rude of Bak to steal you away from me that other night." Tyki spoke sickeningly slow. I heard his footsteps behind me, as I tried to pull and yank the door open. I had to get out of there. But I stopped pulling the door, as Tyki's arms snaked around my waist and my back pressed against his chest. He leaned down and whispered, "…But this time Bak isn't here to save you, you know. So you might as well give in willingly."

"You did this on purpose!" I yelled and squirmed, as he threw me over his shoulder, as if I was as light as a feather. I tried to kick his stomach in an attempt to free myself, but he carried me calmly to the operating bed and placed me down on it.

"Darling, I planned this all day and night." Tyki purred, as he strapped my hands to the bed, "And I figured that this way it might be more fun."

I was sure that someone might get fun out of sick things as this, but I wasn't really into things such as being tied down to an operating bed by a man like Tyki. I turned my head away when the dark-haired man leaned toward my face. I was starting to get a little tired of getting sexually harassed in every imaginable place in the world.

What's _wrong _with these people?

"Tyki, I need to work. Maybe I could stop by your office later today?" I tried to sweet-talk my way out of the awkward position. _At least we're not inside of a moving car this time_.

"Somehow I doubt you'd do that, as appealing as it sounds." Tyki purred, his face still dangerously close to mine. I closed my eyes, as he grabbed my chin and spoke against my lips, "You're such a looker, but you were asking for this."

I kept my mouth tightly shut, as his lips descended on mine. I felt sheer coldness creep down my spine and I quickly shook my head to drive Tyki away from my personal space. I stared at him, a little frightened, as he wiped his lips on his sleeve while taking few steps back and staring at me as if he had never seen me before.

"Usually people lie on that bed so I could rearrange their faces or put implants to god knows where." Tyki spoke with a weird expression. He turned around and walked out of my sight, and since I was strapped to the bed, I couldn't see what he was doing. Soon he let out a laugh and continued, "I guess you could call me a god of some sort." He paused and I could hear his footfalls again, "After all, I make beautiful people out of ugly people."

I squirmed on the operating bed, the strap burning my wrists. I gritted my teeth, "Tyki, let me go."

Tyki chose to completely ignore what I had just said, as he walked beside me and sat down on a chair. He stared at me hungrily and reached out to touch my jaw and running his cold fingertips down my neck, "…But you're just so wonderful. I feel envious of god for creating a masterpiece such as you."

I swallowed and tried to move away from his reach. He had always crept me out, but for some reason, he was more serious than ever, which was even scarier. I tried not to show any fear on my face, but I suppose my fidgetiness gave me away.

"Now then…" Tyki moved his hand away to grab something behind me, "I suppose my chitchat is boring you to death."

I fixed my eyes at Tyki and let out a panicked gasp, as he pulled out a long sharp knife. I tried to move as far away from him as I could on the operating bed. I attempted not to look at the knife, but at the man, as I asked rather timidly, "W-what are you doing?"

The smirk on his face made me feel even more nervous. But even Tyki wasn't cruel enough to kill a human being, right? I tried to convince myself that this wasn't how I was going to die, but as Tyki moved the knife closer to my chest, I closed my eyes and prayed that a miracle would save me from, most likely, painful death. But in the end, I knew that I had dug my own grave.

I knew I had done so many things wrong, but this was a cruel way to go. _Just when I started to get some sense into this mess_.

I felt the fabric of my shirt being torn open and I held my breath, waiting for the sharp blade pierce my skin. But as I dared to open my eyes, I noticed that Tyki was merely ripping open my shirt slowly, while devouring each spot of my exposed skin with his dark eyes. I swallowed hard and I felt my heart beating hard enough to jump right out of my chest.

"Your skin is so perfect…" Tyki breathed out, as he put the knife aside and moved his hands up and down my torso.

"T-Tyki…" I started to wonder if I really preferred this over death, as the cold hands ran circles over my nipples, before slipping downer toward the hem of my jeans. When he was about to pull down my pants, I started to toss and turn, "Stop it!!" I tried to kick him, but he easily grabbed my ankle and twisted my leg painfully. I knew that my resisting was futile, but I wanted to hang onto the last bit of dignity I still had.

"You're always so energetic." He stated bluntly, as he kept twisting my foot inhumanly. I let out a hiss of pain, unable to do anything without causing more pain to myself. He smirked victoriously, since he once again got the upper hand, "But that's what I absolutely _love_ about you."

"_Tyki Mikk_!!"

Tyki's grip on my ankle loosened and I writhed my leg free. I noticed the annoyance in his face, as he said, "I should have guessed that Bak would find out. That inquisitive bastard."

I let out a breath, a wave of relief washing over me. Even though I wasn't really thrilled to be saved by Bak of all the people, I didn't want anything more than to get away from this operating room. In fact, I never ever wanted to see another operating room again.

The door was opened and revealed a tired looking janitor and Bak, who was beyond furious. He stomped across the room and seemed to be ready to smash Tyki's face in. I winced on the operating bed, as I watched Bak raise his fist, but before he could actually punch the black-haired man's face in, he managed to regain his composure.

"You son of a…" Bak muttered, as he lowered his hand and walked to me. He easily undid the straps around my wrists, before he turned to glare at Tyki, "You're not getting out of this one without consequences."

Tyki arched his eyebrow and took a step closer to Bak, "And what are you going to do? Sue me?"

I rubbed my wrists and bit my lip desperately. I was starting to feel claustrophobic in the same room with Bak and Tyki. I was so tired of getting used and being fought over by everyone. Couldn't they see me as a living individual with hopes and dreams as well? I cast a sidelong glance at the two men, who had started arguing and if I had had the guts, I would have punched both of their faces.

I stood up, my feet a little wobbly and the foot Tyki had twisted was aching. I clenched my fists, as I started to walk toward the door, hoping that maybe if I walked out of the room, I could pretend that nothing ever happened. Tomorrow I could come back here with a smile and clean up the bloody floors of the operating rooms.

"Walker!"

I heard Bak's voice calling out to me, but I didn't even bother to turn around.

Just for today, I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to be _normal_. I didn't want to have all these men around me, since while I knew I hurt them, ultimately they drove me to the point, when I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep on going.

My pace grew faster after each step, until I was running down the long white corridors. The nurses gave me strict looks, but I only kept running like I was running from the end of the world. I hoped that neither Bak nor Tyki had decided to follow me, since I really considered the option of getting hit by a car or jumping down someplace high.

I was too frantic to wait for the elevator, so I decided to run down the stairs. My ankle's joints gave a nasty crack on each step down the stairs, but I didn't slow down my pace because of that. I even jumped over few steps to get to the first floor faster.

As I was few steps away from the second floor, I felt my ankle twist and my foot gave in with a painful jerk. Luckily there were only few steps to fall down, so I figured the collision with the floor wouldn't be too painful. I closed my eyes and braced myself for the fall.

But instead of ending up on the floor, I felt and arm wrap around my waist and pull me back to my feet. I dared to open my eyes and mumbled out the name of my savior, "Kanda…?" _Lately he's been everywhere_. His other hand was still around my waist, while his other arm was hooked around the handrail to prevent himself from falling.

"What the hell, beansprout?" He asked, "Are you trying to kill yourself or what?"

For some reason I felt rather irritated by the question and puffed my cheeks. The way he spoke almost sounded like he actually _cared_, which was probably what annoyed me the most. I gritted my teeth as I tore his hand away from my waist, "So what if I am trying to kill myself?" I gave him an intense glare, "Why'd you care?"

I tried to keep on walking, but Kanda quickly grabbed my wrist and almost painfully forced me to stay. I looked over my shoulder and I saw him staring at me. I suppose he was waiting for me to explain myself, but when I didn't say anything, he asked, "What's wrong?"

_Everything_. I sighed and shook my head weakly. There were so many things I simply couldn't put into words. I couldn't explain the smothering feeling or the lump in my throat. I wish I had known the reason why I desperately wanted to be alone, while I feared the loneliness.

"I…" I opened my mouth and shook my head again, "…I don't know how to expl—…"

"Walker!!"

I heard Bak's voice coming from the floor above us. I should have known that he would come search for me. If he found me, I was sure that I might end up going even farther with him than with Tyki, most likely against my will. I tried to pull my hand free from Kanda's firm grasp and gave him a desperate look, "I need to go."

The man didn't let go of me, but started walking down the stairs, "Fine. I'll give you a ride."

I was taken aback by his sudden concern and kindness, but I decided to follow him rather than being found by Bak. My ankle hurt more and more after each step, but I didn't have the will or want to complain about it.

"Hold on." Kanda suddenly stopped walking and loosened his grip on my wrist, as he took off his waist length leather jacket and offered it to me, "Your shirt is torn."

I had almost forgotten all about my shirt and with a hint of blush, I gratefully accepted the jacket. It was few sizes too big, but I didn't care as long as it hid my half-naked torso. I mumbled a barely audible thanks and kept walking, constantly avoiding the looks I got from the other people in the corridor. All the attention was totally uncalled for and made me feel even worse.

All the way to the exit of the hospital, I kept thinking about the state of my life. And then every now and then, I found myself thinking about Kanda and even glancing at him. Everything was so _wrong_ and messed up in my life, but somehow everything surrounding Kanda felt so real. When he stood next to me, he gave me the impression that things didn't need to be complicated.

And it was true. Things were just as complicated as I made them to be. In the end, my life was just a cycle of mistakes, but a single mistake itself wasn't really that complicated.

When I felt the outdoor air brush against my face, I felt so much better. The sliding doors behind us slid close, as Kanda led me toward his car, which was parked on the hospital's parking lot.

The car's doors clicked open and I sat down on the front. I waited for Kanda to light his cigarette and sit down by the steering wheel. I opened the window to let the gentle breeze dissolve the scent of the tobacco.

Kanda apparently wanted to smoke his cigarette before starting to drive, since he kept his door open and keys in his hand. Suddenly I started to wonder _why_ he was here in the first place. And it wasn't the first time I had seen him here. I cleared my throat and dared to ask, "…K-Kanda? Why are you here?"

"I had an appointment with my doctor." Kanda answered, "Or I was supposed to have." He glanced at the guilty look on my face and snorted in annoyance, "It's not like I ditched it for you, okay?"

I felt a little relieved, although I knew that he was probably lying, "That's good then."

Kanda tossed the remnants of the cigarette on the ground, before closing the door and starting the car. I closed the window and fastened my seatbelt with a small smile already tugging my lips upward. Maybe there was something good left in my life.

I turned to look at Kanda, who was concentrated on driving. I couldn't understand him, no matter how hard I tried. It was certainly much like playing with fire— I knew I would get burnt every time I got too close, but I just couldn't tell when. But that was what made being with him worthwhile. Unlike with everyone else, I really had to push my limits to get on his good side.

As my smile grew more visible, Kanda grunted, "_Now_ you're smiling. Talk about incoherent mood swings."

I rolled my eyes, but didn't let the smile drop, "So what? I'm feeling better already." I scratched the back of my head, thinking of an excuse for my out-of-place behavior, "Uhh… I had a fight with a… a co-worker."

"Right." Kanda stated and for a moment I thought that he actually believed, until he turned to look at me and said, "And your co-worker tore your shirt and opened the zipper of your pants? That's a weird notion of a fight."

I pulled up the zipper of my pants and blushed a little, "…That's—"

"Don't." Kanda snapped, but not sounding really angry, "It doesn't take Einstein to figure out what happened. Especially when it's you we're talking about."

I frowned, feeling a little offended. It wasn't like I was _easy_ or anything. Saying 'no' might be possible to Lavi or even Bak, but Tyki was something completely else. Even if I had all the manpower in the world, I was sure that he would still come after me. He was so obsessive that it wasn't even funny anymore. I wondered if he actually had a reason to harass me.

* * *

Suddenly Kanda stopped the car. I wondered if I had fallen asleep, since when I looked outside and saw a cemetery in front of us and it was getting dark outside.

"K-Kanda…" I muttered, "…What are we…"

"I got my job back today." Kanda said suddenly, right out of the blue. I gave him a questioning look and he continued hesitantly, "I was temporarily fired."

I kept staring at him, dumbfounded. It was rare that Kanda told me anything, especially something that had something to do with his private life. I remembered him mentioning that he is some kind of doctor, but I knew nothing else of his ways of living. I didn't know anything about his family or childhood or even current relationships.

When Kanda didn't seem to want to continue, I forced myself to ask, "Why were you fired?"

Kanda's dark eyes shrouded with even darker shade of black. A hint of smile took a place on his face, but the wrinkles between his eyebrows showed no signs of happiness. He didn't even answer my question, when he stepped out of the car and shut the door behind him. I took this as a signal to follow him, so I inhaled a deep breath and stepped outside as well.

Kanda gave me a long look, as if he measuring me. But after a while he nodded his head toward the gates to the cemetery, the same dark look still lingering in his eyes, "Chicken out?"

"Me?" I frowned and shook my head, "No."

"Good." He said, before starting to walk.

As I followed him, I started to wonder what was going to happen. I knew that he too must have his skeletons in his closet, but I was both frightened and flattered by the fact that he was about to open up to me. And this was rather sudden too.

Suddenly we stopped walking. Kanda fixed his eyes at a plain tombstone with only one withered flower next to it. Compared to the other graves, this was plain and almost horribly effortlessly put there. I peered at the stone and read the name out loud, "_Millennium Earl_…"

I repeated the name silently in my mind. Not only the name was uncommon, but it stirred something in the back of my mind. I was sure I had heard it somewhere before.

I frowned, as I tried to think why the name sounded so familiar. But then Kanda decided to speak again, "This man…" I looked up at him, waiting for him to finish his sentence. For some reason a smirk came to his lips, as he said, "…I killed him."

"Wha…" I was too stunned to do anything but stare at him. Kanda, who I knew was capable of everything, had actually _killed_ someone? Suddenly the smirk on his lips seemed more threatening than the knife in Tyki's hands.

As I stared at him, I wondered if I really _knew_ him. He never told me anything about his private life. What if this was his 'job'? What if he never was any sort of doctor from the start? I swallowed hard as I tried to keep my eyes focused at him and keep my head up.

"So..." Kanda stepped forward and leered down at me, "Can you still say you _love_ me?"

"Huh?" I blinked my eyes. I knew I had come to realize that I _might_ like him, but I couldn't recall saying it out loud. How could Kanda know?

But even if he killed thousand men, I doubted that I could feel any other way.

Kanda's smirk faded away and it was replaced by a scowl. The dark-haired man grabbed my arm and pulled me closer, "Then don't go saying bullshit like that and expect me to eat it."

"But I never—…!"

I never managed to get the words out of my mouth, because Kanda unexpectedly closed the distance between us and pressed his warm lips against mine. My eyes widened, when his other hand kept holding onto my arm, while he placed his free hand behind my neck. I was so surprised that I slumped against Kanda and clutched his shirt.

I was too afraid to do anything, so I just arched my neck and let him move his lips against mine. My eyelids finally slipped close and I realized that I actually _loved_ the way he roughly and a little clumsily kissed my lips. With him, even in such awkward circumstances, it felt so great.

It didn't last for long, but when Kanda pulled away, I wished that I had had the courage to pull his face back down. But instead I just opened my eyes and stared at him.

"It's no wonder they all love you so goddamn much." Kanda spoke quietly, while his fingers slowly caressed the hair on the back of my neck. I let out a small sigh and tried to decide whether I was dreaming or not. This was just way too good to be true.

"Kanda…" I moaned lightly, as he brushed his fingertips against my scalp.

"You're so easy." He whispered harshly, as he tugged on a tuft of my hair. My eyes were sizes of plates once again, as he leaned closer, but this time he positioned his mouth right next to my ear, "I'm not like them, you know. So don't fuck with me."

I suddenly felt tears welling up in my eyes. I should have known that being this close to Kanda was way too good to be true. But why did he kiss me then? Just to play me? I gritted my teeth and swallowed hard. It all was so confusing and it was coming to me all at once. First he confessed that he had murdered someone, then he asked me if I love him and now this.

But no matter what, I was serious about him. Couldn't he tell?

Kanda pulled away and took a step away. He was still glaring at me, as if I was worst kind of person in the world. And maybe I was. I looked away, since I couldn't bear to look at his accusing eyes.

"God…" Kanda grunted, as he walked past me. As he paced away, I could hear him mutter, "I just want to _hate_ you."

I felt my heart slump. At that moment, I wanted to rewind my whole life.

_I'm serious about you_.

* * *

Author's ending notes: When I started this story, I was planning for two or three chapters long story. But this is already the tenth chapter. Seriously, I gotta stop making plans. But anyhow, thank you once again for your encouraging reviews. You're so awesome! :)


	11. First Conclusion: Lavi & Lenalee

**S**plitting **S**ky

**F**irst **C**onclusion : Lavi and Lenalee

* * *

"You seem down, Allen."

I lifted my eyes from the newspaper I was reading and smiled at Lenalee, "I'm just looking for a new job. I'm being serious, not sad."

"Uh-huh." Lenalee placed her hands on her hips and took the empty coffee mug from me, "And you never even told me why you quit at the hospital." She paused and let out a shrill laugh, "But then again, I suppose wiping blood off the floor isn't that wonderful."

I smiled and only shrugged my shoulders. It had already been few days since the kissing incident with Kanda, but I was still feeling confused. I had sent my resignation to Bak few days ago, knowing that I couldn't continue working at the hospital as long as Tyki was there. And I didn't want any more complications between Bak and me either.

"Oh, where is Kanda, by the way?" Lenalee asked, not having a clue how sore the subject was to me.

"I… I don't know." I admitted and tried not to sound disappointed in myself. I knew I should have at least tried to contact Kanda, but I didn't have the guts to pick up the phone and call him. And at any case, I had the feeling that he wanted to be left alone.

"I see. He usually is around when you're here…" Lenalee held her chin thoughtfully, her eyes fixed at me. Then she folded her arms above her chest and stated, "…Unless something happened between you two. Hm, I wonder…"

I shook my head quickly and managed to fake a snicker, "W-what do you mean? There's nothing out of ordinary going on."

"…I see." Lenalee replied and I could see disappointment in her face, "So he didn't tell you yet?"

I frowned, "Tell me what?"

Lenalee paled, but she quickly let out a hurried laugh and turned around. She waved her hand in the air and shook her head, "Ah, it's nothing then!" She walked to the coffee machines and asked a little too eagerly, "You want more coffee? It's always on the house for you!"

I felt somewhat jealous of Lenalee, because Kanda had told her something he had kept a secret from me. I had always thought, or _wanted_, that I was the person Kanda trusted the most. But then again, he had proved how much he disliked me only few days ago. I pouted and as she tried to hand me another cup of coffee, I mumbled, "No thanks."

Lenalee put the cup away and leaned her arms against the counter. She stared at me long and hard, while I tried to look as normal as I could. After a moment of staring, she sighed and said, "Allen… I've known you for long enough to be able to tell when something is wrong." She poked my cheek to get me look at her, "I don't mind you dating men, but having so many at the same time… that's just not your style."

My heart skipped a beat. When I looked at her, I saw concern in her eyes. And for the first time, I really considered telling everything to someone. But what if Lenalee didn't understand? Would it matter? I didn't understand everything myself, but maybe if I tried to talk with her, I could sort my feelings out. I just didn't want to look like a freak in her eyes.

I felt my palms getting sweaty. Somehow thinking about letting my heart out made me feel nervous. I had made her worried, so wasn't that a good reason to trust her?

"I…" I swallowed to dampen my dry throat. I inhaled a deep breath, as I searched for the right words that would summarize everything. Eventually I leaned toward her and said quietly, so no one else in the cafeteria heard me, "One day… I woke up next to a man, whom I had never seen before."

Lenalee stared at me blankly. For a moment I felt uncontrollable relief take over me and I let out a long breath. However, the smile couldn't quite reach my lips, before the dark-haired woman burst into laughter. The laughter itself wasn't mocking at all. But I was _dead serious_ and she was _laughing_ at me.

It felt horrible.

"Allen, you're such a bad joker." Lenalee wiped her eyes, "You always know how to joke at all the wrong places. But I suppose that means that everything's alright." She grinned, as if to put salt into my wounds, "You're so lucky… Lavi is so handsome. And so is Kanda and that man with the top hat."

_Lucky_? I balled my fists in my lap. It was damn far away from lucky. If I could, I would have traded places with Lenalee. To show her that breaking hearts and having a broken heart was not lucky at all. I would trade my life away, so I could have led a normal life again without all of these complications.

But it was not like Lenalee could understand. Her life was _normal_.

"Uh, Allen?" Lenalee said, her smile deceasing, "Did I say something wrong?"

I stared at her. My hands started to tremble and I felt as if I had been rejected. It was as if now I was officially alone with my problems. If Lenalee could laugh that easily, I doubted that there was anyone who could take me seriously.

I gritted my teeth. But even if I tried, I couldn't bring myself to hate her. She was one of my closest friends, close enough to be my sister. That's why I stood up and turned around without saying a word, so I wouldn't say anything I might regret later. I was so _angry_ and frustrated, as I started to run, while I heard Lenalee yell my name.

As I stumbled out of the door, I accidentally bumped my shoulder against someone. I looked up and saw Lavi, who wasn't smiling as mirthfully as usual, but he still had that mischievous glint in his eye.

"Hey, Allen!" He tried to reach out to hug me, but I quickly moved away.

"L-Lavi…" I nodded my head to excuse myself, before I kept running. I was a little surprised that he didn't follow after him, but I suppose I shouldn't have expected him to chase me after treating him like crap.

I really was a horrible person.

* * *

I must have walked all the way to the outskirts of the city, since the buildings got smaller and I could hear sound of the ocean getting closer. I walked slower by then, since my feet were starting to ache from running.

I inhaled a deep breath. The air was getting cold— it was almost winter already after all. It rarely snowed in the city, but I hoped that I would see even few snowflakes this year. Maybe that would lift my mood a little.

I knew it wasn't a good idea to wander around the city in the dark, knowing my sense of direction. And if someone tried to rob me, I would most definitely willingly give up my property. But those were the least of my worries right then. And I didn't want to go home at any case, so it didn't really matter where I was.

Eventually I couldn't walk any farther, as the ocean blocked my way. I leaned against a railing and looked down at the waves, which were crashing against the rock few meters below me. I wondered if I jumped over the iron fence, would I die immediately or would I drown slowly. Either way, I was sure that if I decided to jump down, there would be no coming back.

I shuddered at my thoughts. Only few months ago, I would have never even dreamed of committing a suicide, but now the idea didn't sound unrealistic at all. In fact, thinking of giving up my life was reassuring. It made me feel alive and that _I_ actually owned my life and technically I could do whatever I wanted with it. Lately I had had the feeling that my body belonged to everyone but me.

"Oh god…" I sighed and looked up at the dark sky. It had been almost forever since I last wished that Mana, my dead foster father, was still with me. He had pulled me back to my feet so many times before, so I was sure that if he was still alive, he would have done it again. _He would never hurt me_.

He was the first and the last person in my life, who had ever made me feel safe. With him was my home, so when he died, there was no longer _home_.

Suddenly my cell phone in my jeans' back pocket started vibrating. I pulled out the phone and read the name _Kanda_ on its screen. My grip around the object tightened. I started to ponder fervently why I should answer. And why was Kanda calling me in the first place? After ditching me in the graveyard and making fairly clear he hated me, he still bothered to call.

I stared at the cell phone. I had no reason why _not_ to answer, other than not wanting to listen to his insults. While I wanted to prevent every possible awkward encounter with Kanda, I felt anxious to hear his voice again.

In the end I pressed the green button and lifted the phone to my ear, "…H-hey."

"_Where the hell are you?_" Kanda's voice sounded angry in the phone. I could hear sound of traffic on the background, so I supposed that he was driving in his car.

"Why?" I asked, while I turned around and pressed my back against the railing, "Want to cuss at me some more?"

I heard a frustrated hiss, or maybe it was a sigh, on the other end, "_No._" I could almost hear Kanda's scowl, "_Lenalee phoned me. She said you're out of your mind. I told her that it wasn't anything new, but she wouldn't leave me alone._"

I gritted my teeth. Was Lenalee that important to Kanda? I felt a little angry, since if Lenalee was that worried, she could have phoned herself. But instead she put Kanda call me instead and I wondered if she did that because she knew she could. I knew she had once told me that Kanda wasn't quite her type, but suddenly she seemed awfully close to him.

"If you're so worried then why don't you go console her?" I asked spitefully, although I knew that it was uncalled for.

"_What the hell, beansprout?_" Kanda spat, "_…Ah, whatever. Where the hell are you?_"

He seemed to shrug off the topic way too easily, which made me feel rather ignored. I pouted and mumbled, "I don't know." It was the truth, since I had no idea where I was. As I heard a snort coming from Kanda, I grunted, "All I know is— I'm near the ocean. And there's this tall building on th—…"

_Click_.

I took the cell phone off my ear and stared at it. Kanda had just hung up on me even before I could explain where I was. Did he think that he could find here with such poor directions? I rolled my eyes and shoved my phone back in my pocket.

I doubted that Kanda was coming. _Why_ would he come?

I heard roaring of car engines. I tensed my shoulders, as I saw a black car drive down a pavement, making one middle-aged man jump out of the way with his dog. I arched my eyebrow and I couldn't tell whether I was horrified or amused when the car stopped right in front of me with a loud noise. At least Kanda knew how to arrive with style.

The door slammed open and Kanda stepped out. He looked pissed out, but even though I knew that it was hopeless, seeing him made me want to smile. But I restrained myself from looking happy to see him, because I really wasn't. I knew that we would end up in an argument— we always did. Every time we took a step forward, we ended up coming two steps back.

It was so hopeless that I wanted to strangle myself. The more I stared at Kanda, more I longed for him to touch me once again. I averted my eyes from him.

Kanda didn't say anything, as he walked to my side and propped his elbows against the railing. I looked at anywhere else but him, but I could hear him take out a cigarette and light it.

"W-why did you come here?" I asked clumsily. I wished to hear an answer that didn't include Lenalee in it.

"Are you deaf or just plain stupid?" Kanda muttered. As my eyes drifted back at him, I saw him balancing the tobacco in between his lips, as he continued, "Face it, there are people who worry about you."

I sighed and let me head drop. I wondered if Kanda included himself in the 'people who worry about me'. I supposed not.

"That still doesn't explain anything." I complained. He never explained any of his doings. It was almost as if he was working completely on his instincts, without any sort of sympathy. He had killed a man too, hadn't he? Shouldn't a guy like him be locked up in a prison? I wondered if he had framed someone to take the blame.

As Kanda finished his cigarette, he let the butt drop down in the ocean. I stared at it, as it disappeared in the midst of crushing waves. I felt pity for the used cigarette. It was so addictive, but after it was used, it was as easily thrown away as a piece of trash.

"We're the same." Kanda stated abruptly, "I don't have a clue what you're trying so hard to hide, but we both are fucked up."

I couldn't tell what I was trying to 'hide' except for the memory losses and confused feelings. And I wasn't really _hiding_ them, I just… preferred not to talk about them. But what he got right, was the _fucked up_ part. But as a reply, I merely shrugged my shoulders and said, "I suppose." I turned to look at him and added, "Are you hiding something then?"

Kanda mimicked me and shrugged his shoulders, "_I suppose_."

I arched my eyebrow, "I thought that killing a man was your biggest secret."

"Bah." He grunted and took out another cigarette. Much to my surprise, he offered me one as well. But I shook my head to decline his offer, since I had never liked the taste of cigarettes. He placed the carton back in his pocket, while lighting up the smoke was hanging between his lips. I stared at him shamelessly, while he breathed in and then breathed out a cloud of smoke.

I hugged my arms and pressed myself closer against the railing. Standing still was making me feel colder. I would have wanted to move toward Kanda, but I didn't want to dig my grave even deeper.

"The truth is..." Kanda spoke again. I momentarily forgot all about my coldness, as all my attention was drawn to him. He took the cigarette out of his mouth and held it between his fingers, "…I figured that life sucked. But then I drank cardamom coffee."

_What a blunt way to put it_, I thought, a little amused. Either Kanda was really bad at words, or he really knew what he was talking about. I let out a hollow chuckle, "So coffee saved your life?"

"Actually, it tasted like shit." Kanda spat and let his almost unused cigarette fall down in the ocean. He straightened his back and looked down at me, "But you worked so goddamn hard for it. I had no option but to drink it, right?"

I blinked my eyes. As I thought back, I could recall the first time Kanda had drank the cardamom coffee I made. I had seen an unreadable emotion pass his features, as he had quickly drank it all and then asked for more. I thought I should feel offended now that I knew what Kanda had first thought of my coffee, but I felt like cracking up.

"I can't believe you'd actually go that far just to please someone!" I proclaimed, as an uncontrollable and hysterical group of laughs erupted from throat. I had to brace myself against the railing, "You drank at least seven cups too!!"

I saw a tiny hint of smile appear on Kanda's face, "Exactly."

I found the situation down right hilarious. It was hard to imagine Kanda to force himself go that far just so that he wouldn't disappoint me.

Suddenly I stopped laughing. Kanda had done that _for me_. He had drank seven cups of coffee he didn't even like, because he didn't want to see me sad. I stared right into his endlessly black eyes, I felt my head becoming light and logical thoughts very insignificant. I had sworn to myself before that I didn't want to find myself in an awkward situation with Kanda… but here I was again.

"I thought you…" I started, as I took a step closer to him, "…hated me…?"

Kanda snorted, "It's just like you to jump into mindless conclusions."

He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me against the railing. I could hear the raging of the ocean, but it was second to my heartbeat, which was deafening. The coldness of the metallic railing was cooling my skin, which was almost like on fire.

Kanda's face was coming closer. I closed my eyes and parted my lips slightly, waiting for something to happen.

Unexpectedly, I felt vibrating in my back pocket and an all-too-happy ringtone broke the moment. I winced and opened my eyes only to see an unsatisfied Kanda, who pulled away and folded his arms above his chest. The situation reminded me of one of those bad movies, in which the heroine was about to be kissed by the hero, until the moment is ruined by a telephone. How classical.

"S-sorry…" I apologized, as I pulled out my cell phone and answered, "Uh, hi…"

"_Allen!!_" I heard Lenalee sob, "_W-where are you?_"

I stared at Kanda, while I answered, "I'm… I'm not sure, but I'm with Kanda."

"_K-Kanda is there?_" Lenalee asked, sounding surprised, even though I didn't understand why. She had told Kanda to come look for me after all, hadn't she? I didn't have time to ask her however, since she continued, "_Please, Allen, could you come here…? It's Lavi… he's in the hospital…_"

"What? Why?" I asked as I stepped past Kanda, ready to run for the hospital, "Is he alright?"

"_He…_" Lenalee swallowed, "_…tried to kill himself._"

* * *

I ran down the corridor of the hospital. I had thought that I didn't need to return here, not any time soon anyway. Kanda had given me a ride, but disappeared after we had stepped into the hospital.

I read the numbers written next to the doors, eventually reaching the room labeled '303'. Without even knocking, I burst in and saw Lavi lying on a hospital bed. His eye, which wasn't covered by eye patch, was slightly parted and his face was pale. He was always so full of laughter and happiness. But now he resembled a breathing corpse.

Earlier that day, when I had seen him enter the cafeteria, he had seem a little down, hadn't he? I should have stopped and asked if something was wrong…

"Lavi…" I mumbled, as I hurried to his side and placed my hand on his', "W-what… what happened to you…?"

He lazily turned to look at me and frowned, "Allen? Fancy seeing you here." He tried to sit up, but he it seemed as if his arms had given up. I looked at his wrists and saw them wrapped in bandages, all the way up to his elbows. I swallowed hard and he quickly pulled a blanket over his body. He turned his head away in embarrassment, "This' not what it looks like."

I bit my lip. I knew it was exactly what it looked like. I knew I was responsible for everything. It should have been me lying there in his place. This was not how everything was supposed to turn out, no matter how messed up my life was. If I had known that my mistakes would lead to such consequences, I would have rather broken his heart and dealt with the guilt.

"Why… why didn't I stop this…?" I said out loud. It felt as if someone had been strangling me, when I tried to inhale a deep breath, "…why didn't I stop this before it all ended up like this…?"

Lavi remained unmoving on the bed. I grabbed his shoulders and forced him to look at me.

"I know I've done wrong, but you shouldn't have…"

"Cut it off." Lavi sighed, as he shrugged his shoulders to make me loosen my grip on him, "It's not because of you." Lavi tried to muster a reassuring smile, "Don't blame yourself."

But I didn't feel less guilty. I fell on my knees on the floor and let my head drop against the hospital bed's mattress. It smelled like the hospitals smell— too clean and sterile. It didn't smell like Lavi, spontaneous and carefree. This wasn't where I was supposed to see him.

"Oh god…" I mumbled against the soft surface, "…I'm so sorry I got you into this… I should have… told you sooner."

"Maybe… but…" He placed his hands to my chest and smiled at me, "See? I'm not chasing you anymore." Lavi pushed me away weakly with his bandaged hands and fixed his eyes at something behind my back, "'Cause there's no point to struggle. You had the upper hand from the start."

I looked over my shoulder and saw Kanda standing in the doorway. I wondered how long he had been standing there.

"Hm." Kanda shrugged his shoulders. He gave a look that must have meant something to Lavi, before he turned to leave, "I'm waiting you outside, beansprout."

I nodded my head, even though I knew that he didn't see it. I focused my attention back at Lavi, who had a honest smile on his lips. He looked at me and I could see that certain glint return to his eye, "Beansprout? What a cute name. I think I'll stick with it."

I let out a laugh and said jokingly, "Don't you dare."

He winked his eye and gave me a friendly, but weak push on my shoulder, "Well, I think you should hurry up. That guy seems kinda impatient." He motioned toward the door and grunted, "Though he owes me one for punching my beautiful face like that. Make sure he remembers this face, since if I die before him, I'll be sure to haunt him."

"A-are you…" I asked rather worriedly. I hoped that he didn't have any more suicidal intentions.

"Nah, I'm glad to be alive." Lavi stated proudly with a wide grin on his face, "Because _she_ was the first thing I saw when I woke up here… and I thought that, _damn_ maybe this world hasn't run out of miracles just yet."

"She?" I asked, but I realized that there could be only one person who he was talking about. I smiled and wiped my eyes wet, "I'm sure everything will be alright then."

Lavi nodded his head and relaxed his head against his pillow. He looked up at the lights on the ceiling, with a longing smile on his lips, "I've made bad decisions in my life. Quitting school, coming here with hardly any money, renting an apartment I could hardly pay for… My life's been so half-assed, 'cause I figured that everything would turn out fine without any work at all."

"In my opinion…" I smiled, "…you've been working very hard."

Lavi laughed and closed his eye, "You think so? I'm flattered." He opened his eye again and gave me a demanding look, "Now leave, I don't want that asshole to rip my eye out 'cause I kept you too long."

I stood up and even though I doubted that Kanda would do something as sadistic as rip someone's eye out, I supposed it was safer to do as Lavi told. I smiled at Lavi, as I started to back away toward the door, never turning my back on him, "Thank you, Lavi. You're the best."

"Nah…" Lavi shook his head, "…Prob'bly the second best though."

I let out a chuckle, as I walked out of the door and closed it. I leaned my back against it for a moment, as I tried to internalize the moment. It felt as if one of the burdens had rolled off my shoulder. I inhaled a deep breath, the smothered feeling had gone and I felt… happy?

"Allen…" Lenalee, who was walking toward him with two diet cokes in her hands, "How is Lavi? Is he still saying weird things?"

"Weird things?" I repeated.

"He kept calling me a miracle or something." She sighed. As I looked at her, she seemed rather tired, but I knew that it was for the best if she stayed here with Lavi.

She might not understand it, but I knew that she was just what he needed.

"Well, can't argue with that." I replied honestly. Anyone who was able to give someone a reason to live was a miracle enough. Then another question popped into my mind, "Do you know what happened?"

"Miranda, his landlady, who is also my friend, called me…" Lenalee explained quietly, "His rent was due last week, but it seemed that he had some financial troubles. Miranda knew this, so she went to see him to negotiate about postponing the rent to next month." She looked timidly at the door of Lavi's hospital room, afraid that he might overhear them. She continued more quietly, "…She found him lying in his own blood, his wrists cut…"

_Financial troubles_? Now that I thought about it, I had always thought that he came from a rich family. He was always neatly dressed up and so confident. I knew that looks could be deceiving, but Lavi truly did good job hiding it.

I let out a sigh, as I stepped forward and caught her in a friendly hug. She returned the gesture with one hand, while the other hand was holding the cokes.

"Please take care of him." I said, as I hugged her, "He needs you."

Lenalee nodded against my shoulder, "You don't need to worry so much, Allen…"

I pulled away from the hug and took a step to leave. I bid a quick farewell to her, since I knew that Kanda was impatiently waiting by his car. Somehow I got the feeling that he would wait as long as it took for me to get out of the hospital, but I didn't want to test his nerves right now.

"Allen." Lenalee said, before I had time to leave. I looked over my shoulder at her and arched my eyebrow. She clutched the cokes in her hands, as she said, "What you said earlier… I believe you. You have never lied to me, so I trust you. And I shouldn't have laughed at you. I'm sorry."

I stared at her for a moment, before saying, "Thanks, Lenalee."

* * *

Author's ending notes: As the 'first conclusion' implies, we're nearing the end, dears. Don't worry though, there should be at least three or four chapters still coming up.

Ahh, I want DS and The World Ends With You…! –sobs-


	12. Second Conclusion: Bak Chan & Tyki MikK

**S**plitting **S**ky

* * *

**S**econd **C**onclusion : Bak Chan and Tyki Mikk

"I suppose you're not coming back then…?"

I shook my head. Bak let out a sigh, as he eyed my letter of resignation. I had decided to come and see him face-to-face, since I knew that I owed him a proper farewell. If we ever saw each other again, I wished that he could see me as a friend.

"Well, world is full of opportunities." Bak crossed his arms above his chest, as he relaxed against his armchair behind the desk, "You shouldn't stick with one job for too long, unless it's your calling. Or you get paid really well."

I nodded my head and bowed my head down, "Thank you for everything."

"Hey, don't mention it." Bak smiled, as he returned to his paperwork. I supposed that it was time to leave, so I turned around and walked to the door. But before I exited his office, he lifted his head from the papers and said, "Walker."

I spun back around, my hand still resting on the doorknob, "Yes?"

"You're making me confused. Are you going to walk away like that?" Bak asked bitterly. He pressed his palms against his desk, as he pushed his chair back. He stood up slowly and took gradually faster steps toward me, "I knew you want to quit this job, but you want to quit me as well?"

I looked up at him, as his dark face hovered above mine. _It's just as complicated as I want it to be_, I told myself. Bak was a man with backbone— he could stand one rejection. This wasn't the end of the world for him. I smiled and nodded my head, "Yeah. It wouldn't have worked out for us after all… you know what they say about love affairs between employer and employee."

Bak had a stunned look for a moment, as he stared down at me with an empty look. But luckily, his expression became relieved in a moment and he stated jokingly, "Right. Don't shit where you eat."

"Yeah… even though I don't work here anymore…" I said, feeling oddly brave. I had never thought that Bak would take this so well, "…I don't think that we quite—…"

But before I could finish, Bak grabbed my shoulder and pulled me forward. He swiftly caught my lips in a hasty kiss, which he broke almost instantly. I looked up at him, ready to tell him off, but he smirked and winked his eye, "You taste like…mint? Chewing gum perhaps?"

I narrowed my eyes and smiled playfully, "Fresh mint with additional xylitol. It's tooth friendly. Consider it as your parting gift."

"Taste of chewing gum?" Bak laughed, as he released the hold around my arm and took a step back, "I suppose it fits us well though. You chew gum just as long as it tastes sugary. When the flavor turns to plastic, you have no need for it anymore. You throw it away with no hard feelings involved."

In my opinion it was weird to compare human relationships to a chewing gum, but in a way, it did make sense. You could chew as slowly as you wanted, the taste will leave no matter what. But after that, you feel satisfied for a while, until you take out a new one.

"I never knew you were so sentimental." I said sarcastically, as I placed my hand on the doorknob. _This must be the best break up ever_.

"Oh, you have no idea." Bak watched as my hand pushed the door open. I took a daring step backward, eyeing his reaction to see if he had intentions of stopping me. But he only shoved his hands in his khaki colored jeans' pockets and nodded his head, "Oh, and Walker, if you ever get lonely, you can always call me."

I smiled, "I think I'll pass."

I slipped out of the door and closed it behind me. Another heavy weight rolled off my shoulders. And it had been so easy! But then again, Bak was sophisticated man and his pride wouldn't let him break down because of me. Which was a good thing, for both of us. Luckily Bak hadn't had the time to develop extremely deep feelings toward me.

I let out a deep breath, as I started pacing down the corridor. Even my footsteps felt lighter. There really was light at the end of pitch-black tunnel.

When I got to the first floor, I saw Kanda sitting on a bench next to a plastic plant. He had come to the hospital with me, since he had missed his meeting with his doctor the other day. My smile only grew wider, as I quickly ran to him, "How did the appointment with your doctor go?"

"Hm." He replied, although I wasn't sure if it could be called as a reply. It made me wonder _why_ he needed to see the doctor? He seemed healthy enough to me. I was about to ask him, but he managed to speak before me, "Yours?"

I shrugged my shoulders, "It was easier than I would have thought."

"Told you so." Kanda said, as he stood up from the bench and began to stroll toward the door. I walked right next to him, dodging the passers-by and smiling at the familiar secretary behind the counter next to the glassy sliding doors. She seemed somewhat happier than usual, she even greeted me with a small nod. I wondered if it was because I was leaving and she could have Bak.

When I stepped out of the hospital, I felt as if I had managed to do something big for once.

"Happy now?" Kanda grunted, as he pulled the carton of cigarettes out of his jacket's breast pocket, "No more scrubbing blood off the floors, eh?"

I nodded my head happily and did a quick pirouette. Kanda gave me a funny look, as I took big leaps forward and smiled like a fool. But I couldn't help but feel so happy. I turned to look at him and said, "It's so great, Kanda! It feels like I have no more things I need to worry about! And we can—…" I forced myself to stop, before I could blurt out anything unnecessary, "…uhh, well…"

"Party." Kanda exclaimed out of blue.

"Huh?" I blinked my eyes and repeated his remark, "_Party_?"

"This…" Kanda paused, as he lighted up his cigarette, "…calls for celebration."

The first question that came into my mind was _do you party?_ But I didn't want to seem impolite, so I only cleared my throat to prevent a laugh from escaping, "Sounds good…" I gave him an adrift look, "…What did you have in mind?"

Kanda smirked and I already knew that I wouldn't get a straight answer from him, "Wouldn't you like to know."

* * *

"Kanda, you really shouldn't have—…"

"Shut up."

I closed my mouth, as we walked in a five star restaurant, clad in black suits. I knew I shouldn't be surprised by Kanda's doings anymore, but with 'celebration' I had imagined to end up in a little bit less expensive place. Suddenly I started to feel like we weren't only celebrating my break-up with Bak. Even Kanda wouldn't drag me to a place like this for such a reason… _right_?

I tried to act casual, as a beautiful hostess showed us to a secluded table nearby a window. I sat down slowly, adoring the beautiful designs on the napkins. Kanda let out an amused and slightly mocking chuckle, as he noticed what I was doing.

"By the looks of it, you don't go out too often." Kanda stated, as the hostess handed us the menus.

"I _do_ go out…" I muttered and gave a quick and polite smile to the hostess, before she left us to decide what we wanted. I lowered the menu on the table and leaned toward Kanda, "…but isn't this a little… too much?"

Kanda arched his eyebrow and reluctantly fixed his eyes at the menu, "I have expensive taste, unlike you."

"That's not what I meant…" I carefully opened the menu and my eyes almost plopped out of their sockets. I could afford none of the available dishes, let alone a mere drink. I could probably offer water and nibble on the napkin, while watch as Kanda drank champagne and ate rare steak. My stomach growled. I should have eaten something beforehand.

The hostess eventually came back, holding a notepad in her hand, ready to write down our orders.

"Soba noodles and tempura." Kanda said rather impolitely, "And water. Lasagna for him. And champagne, the most expensive one."

My jaw fell and I tried to stop the waitress, before she could get away, but Kanda's loud grunt stopped me. I looked at him and stated seriously, "I can barely afford a glass of water here…!"

"Too bad." Kanda replied coldly, "I've heard that people who can't afford the food end up washing piles of dishes for the rest of their lives."

I let my head drop against the table. I couldn't believe that Kanda had done this to me. I didn't want to be stuck in a place like this for the rest of my life, no matter if this was a five star restaurant. I was thinking of running after the hostess and tell her to cancel the order, but I felt Kanda pat my head and I forced myself to look up at him. He had just patted my head…?

"I know the owner of this place though." Kanda pointed out. He smirked and lowered his voice as he continued, "…I've heard that he likes beautiful young men. He's a dirty old man, really into bondage."

I paled at the thought of having to meet that said man. Kanda's smirk widened, as I rose to my feet and muttered, "I-I think I'll go cancel my order…"

But before I could escape, the hostess returned with Kanda's glass of water and my champagne. She looked at Kanda and smiled widely, "Boss asked me to tell you that your and your companion's orders are on the house, like always. He also said that if you have time, he would love to sit down and chat."

I blinked my eyes at her and then gave a nasty glare at Kanda. I had gotten all worked up for nothing. I sat back down grumpily, also a little embarrassed for being fooled so easily.

"Tell him that maybe some other day." Kanda told the waitress, as he turned to look at me. He stared at me, forcing me to look back at him, as he said, "I'm busy tonight."

The hostess let out a chuckle, "I'll tell him that." After that she turned around and left.

I pouted at Kanda, "You tricked me."

"Tch." Kanda took a sip of water and countered, "I never said that _you_ would have to wash the dishes or become the boss' boytoy."

I lifted my chin and decided not to answer. He let out a laugh and even though I wasn't looking at him, I knew that he was leering at me mockingly. I wondered if he ever got over the phase of teasing me. And just how long would we be able to keep up with each other? It was a miracle that we had gotten this far without starting third world war.

But maybe what kept us close to each other was arguing. Kanda seemed to need someone to cuss at, while I felt oddly satisfied and alive every time we made up. We sort of filled each other's needs by constantly balancing in between peace and fight.

"What are you thinking?" Kanda asked, as if he hated the sudden silence between us. It was weird, since normally he didn't seem to mind silence at all.

"Uh, well…" I started and scratched the bridge of my nose, "I was just thinking that we've come a long way. You know, as friends. Looking back to the day I met you, I never would have thought that one year later we'd be sitting here, in a five star restaurant."

"Yeah, you never really were quite my type." Kanda said bluntly, "But I suppose that it's too late to get rid of you now."

I grinned sheepishly, but I felt really happy. It was perfect this way— alone with Kanda. I wouldn't have wanted him to be anyone else. There was something in Kanda that attracted me, but I still couldn't figure out what. He was the rudest and cruelest person I had ever met. Maybe it was the almost nonexistent tenderness of his words and actions that always made me come back for more.

Or maybe it was that really,_ really_, small smile, which occasionally took over his features. When I got him to smile, it felt as if I had done something really good.

My grin turned to a smile, as I let my eyes travel down to his chin and his neck. I didn't need a reason to be in love with him, did I? Even if it was unrequited, I only wanted to be with him.

"Kanda…" I started, my expression becoming a little more serious. I swallowed hard, as I tried to find the right words, "I…—"

—

* * *

For some reason, we were suddenly walking out of the restaurant. I was sure that I had just been about to say something to Kanda, so it was unexplainable why we were back on our feet and almost at the door.

I didn't even feel hungry anymore. It was as if I had just eaten, although I couldn't recall getting my lasagna.

I looked at Kanda, who had his hands in his pockets and a thoughtful expression on his face. I frowned and stopped walking, "Kanda…? Why are we leaving already?"

Kanda turned around and stopped pacing as well. He gave me a piercing glare, "What the hell, beansprout? As if I could ever show my face here again."

I was taken aback by his harsh words. I had no idea what he was talking about— I didn't think I had said anything outrageous. I wondered if he was joking, although his expression was grave. I blinked my eyes and let out a small laugh, "…Uhh, right, okay… It's getting late anyway…"

"We're going to my place." Kanda stated and walked out the door to the chilly night air, "The walls of your flat are thin as paper."

I wondered what my apartment's walls had to do with anything, but decided to shrug and smile, "Yeah, sure…!"

I followed a step behind Kanda, feeling as if I had missed something. I _knew_ I had missed something.

The pavement was wet, although I couldn't remember that it had rained. The streetlamps lighted the dark street, as we approached Kanda's car. For some reason I had a feeling that someone was watching me. The hair on the back of my neck rose as I quickly glanced over my shoulder. I could have sworn I saw a girl with a gothic lolita dress walk around a corner…

I rubbed my eyes, trying to convince myself that I was only seeing things. There was no way that _she_ was here… because if she was here, I was sure that—…

"Good evening."

Both Kanda and me turned to look at the source of the voice. My eyes widened, as I saw Tyki stepping out of a shadowy alley. His curly black hair shone in the dim street lamp's light and his dark skin made him look devilish.

"Y-you…" I muttered, feeling both angry and frustrated with Tyki.

"My love, don't you think that we have been interrupted far too many times?" Tyki spoke, as he took slow steps toward me. But when he came too close, Kanda stepped in front of me, blocking my view. I heard Tyki let out a bitter laugh, "Oh, it's you. So are you the royal lapdog?"

Kanda grabbed my hand and pulled me toward his car, which was only a little farther away. He didn't say anything, but he didn't look annoyed, as I had thought he would. I was rather surprised, as he only calmly guided me to his car and held onto my hand all the while.

But before Kanda could open the door to the passenger's seat, another man stepped out of the shadows. He was a lot sturdier than Kanda, probably twice as big as him. He had small eyes and I was sure I had seen him somewhere before. As I narrowed my eyes and searched through my memory, I could recall seeing him at the party where Bak had taken me.

"I don't think I have introduced you yet." Tyki said, as he stepped beside the huge man, "This here is Skin Bolic. He's my driver as well as my…" He held his chin, as he approached me and smirked, "… Private hitman."

I narrowed my eyes at Tyki, "Leave me alone, Tyki."

"Oh, I don't think I will." Tyki purred as he nodded his head at Kanda, "And I don't want anyone to come between us. So, I might as well get rid of this nuisance as well."

Skin Bolic took a step forward and shoved Kanda away from me. He staggered a little, but didn't lose his balance. I opened my mouth to call out his name, but Tyki grabbed my hand and started yanking me to the alleyway. I squirmed and spat, "Don't touch me!"

Tyki let out a mocking laugh as he motioned to Skin Bolic to follow him. The man gave a long glare at Kanda, as if trying to make him stay still and not follow us. But Kanda took a threatening step forward, even though the man was big enough to crush him between his arms, "Move."

Skin Bolic let out a hoarse laugh, as he turned around and followed after Tyki. I was pulled to the dark and narrow alleyway like a rag doll.

"For such a small boy, you're hard to catch." Tyki spoke, as he pressed my face against his chest in an awkward hug, "I've been running after you all day. Enough to make me realize that man is tearing us apart. And I can't let that happen, now can I?"

I swallowed hard, as I pressed my palms against his chest and pushed him away. I stumbled back and tried to look for Kanda. I saw him trying to push Skin Bolic away, as he tried to get to me, only to be shoved back each time. I knew that he had no change to win if he decided to pick a fight with Skin Bolic. Therefore I shook my head and said, "Kanda, stop it… let me handle this."

"Yeah, you listen to him." Tyki mocked, as he grabbed my chin and forced me to look at you, "You're a clever boy, aren't you? Too bad you're just not quite clever enough. Getting tangled up in a mess like this is not healthy, you know."

His fingernails dug on the skin of my chin. I tried to turn my head, but his other hand on the back of my neck kept me looking straight at him. I closed my eyes and gathered all of my courage, just to sound convincing as I said, "I hate you."

Tyki seemed to freeze for a second, before he burst into dark laughter. He let go off my chin and patted my cheek with his gloved hand, "Oh, you almost had be convinced." He turned me around and twisted my arm behind my back. My eyes shot open, as his free hand brushed against the fabric above my manhood. He nuzzled his nose against my ear and asked, "I wonder if you can keep that up?"

"Fuck off!" Kanda yelled, as he violently got past Skin Bolic and approached Tyki with most dangerous look I had ever seen.

"K-Kanda…" I breathed out, as Tyki grabbed a handful of the front of my jeans. I bit my lip and tried to keep my legs as tightly closed as I could.

I watched as Skin Bolic recovered from his momentary shock and quickly knocked Kanda on the ground. The dark-haired man let out a pained gasp, when the other man kicked him to stomach. I grimaced, as I watched Kanda lie on the ground, while I was unable to do anything.

"Let him go, shithead." Kanda cussed at Tyki, while trying to focus his eyes at him, "You're gonna pay."

Tyki laughed, as he stopped caressing my lower region. Instead, he slipped his hand under my shirt and ran circles around my navel, "But I think that he will come with me willingly. Like I said, Allen's a clever boy."

Kanda scrambled back on his feet and clenched his fists. His indignation encouraged me to squirm to free my arm from the deadlock. I grabbed Tyki's hand, which was under my shirt, with my free hand and forced him away from my private areas. He sighed against my neck, before abruptly kicking the back of my knees and letting me drop on the ground.

As I lied there on the ground, I saw Kanda leap forward, but Skin Bolic stopped his proceeding by grabbing his elbow and shoving him against the brick wall. Before Kanda could react, Skin Bolic had his massive hand around his neck, lifting him off the ground, while keeping him pressed against the wall.

"He doesn't know who he's playing with, does he?" Tyki said, as he kneeled down next to me and touched my parted lips with his long fingers, "But you understand it, don't you? If I said that I was going to kill him, you know that he would die by my hand. I'm man of my word."

"N-no…" I mumbled, as I watched Kanda struggle to free himself, even though he had no chance against Skin Bolic. It dawned on me that with a mere nod of his head, Tyki could have Kanda killed. I tried to get up from the cold asphalt, but Tyki placed his hand on my chest and forced me to stay still.

Kanda ceased his fighting and turned to look at me. His eyes were telling me not to give in, but I had no choice. It was my fault we had ended up in a situation like this.

_But Kanda and I had worked so hard to get to this point…_

"I-I'll do a-anything…" I stammered, "…just let Kanda go… please…"

Kanda trashed around and kicked Skin Bolic's shin, but the man didn't even grimace. He spat under his breath, "Quit being an idiot!"

"Like I said…" Tyki purred, as he petted my head, "Allen's a clever boy." He grabbed my arm and pulled me on my knees, "Whoever said that choosing the least evil is best?"

I closed my eyes as Tyki fingered strand of my white hair. I smelled his cologne— the same scent I had come familiar with the first time I woke up in his bed. It gave me a nauseous feeling in my stomach. I bit my lip as I opened my eyes again and stared emotionlessly right into Tyki's pitch black eyes, "After this, I'm through with you."

Tyki stood up and tugged painfully on my hair, "You know you can't get rid of me, darling."

Tyki motioned Skin Bolic to loosen his grip around Kanda's neck, but keep him pinned against the wall. I felt relieved to see Kanda inhaling deep breaths, seemingly unharmed. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him. But his resentful eyes told me otherwise. It was as if he had _wanted_ to die, just because he didn't want me submit to Tyki.

"Do it." Tyki pressed my face against the zipper of his pants. I felt something hard against my cheek, as I tried to push myself away. But Tyki forcefully kept my head still and let out a hoarse whisper, "Don't leave me hanging now."

"You piece of—…!" Kanda yelled, but was cut off by a new voice.

"Tyki!!"

I felt the grip on my hair relax little and I was able to pull my head away. I saw a girl dressed in gothic dress standing next to Tyki, her small hand around his wrist.

"Road, I told you to wait inside." Tyki sighed and shook his head, "I don't wish you to see me dirtying my hands."

Road groaned and let go off Tyki's hand. She gave me a half-hearted look, before fixing her sharp eyes at Kanda and looked as if she had recognized him. She frowned and pointed her finger at Kanda, "Kanda Yu."

"Dear, I don't care who this man is." Tyki smiled and placed his hand on Road's slim shoulder, "I'm only interested in my dearest Allen Walker here. I'll let Skin Bolic take care of this _Kanda Yu_."

"No, you idiot!" Road yelled and I was slightly taken aback. I had always thought that no one was allowed to rise their voice when speaking with Tyki, but Road seemed to get away with it just fine. She even gave a hard punch on Tyki's shoulder, before narrowing her eyes at Skin Bolic, "You, let go off Kanda Yu."

Even Skin Bolic did as told and took two big steps away from Kanda. The situation had taken such an odd and sudden turn that I wasn't sure whether I was relieved or too confused to be relieved. Tyki was still keeping me down on my knees, but his grip had loosened enough that I was easily able to free myself. I stood up and hurried to Kanda's side.

"Road, you know I love you as a sister, but don't think you can get away with this without an explanation." Tyki stated dangerously.

"Are you stupid or something?!" Road raged and threw her hands in the air, "This Kanda Yu here saved our asses!" She rose up on her toes and stared intensely at Tyki, "… _he killed Millenium Earl_."

_Millenium Earl again_, I thought and remembered the grave Kanda had shown me the other day. As I looked at Kanda, Tyki and Road, it seemed as if they all knew what they were talking about, but I had no idea. The name Millenium Earl rang a bell in the back of my mind again, but I still couldn't recall anything. I was starting to feel like I should have remembered though, since Kanda gave me a long and knowing look.

"So, you're the one who…" Tyki's eyes widened momentarily, before he cleared his throat, "…Oh, curse the irony." He looked at me, carefully eyeing me from head to toe, before he shook his head in defeat, "This truly is a pity."

I lifted my chin and gently pressed myself against Kanda's side. I wasn't sure what was going on, but it seemed too good to be true. If I didn't understand the circumstances wrong, Tyki was _walking away_ from me.

"Road, Skin Bolic, let's leave." Tyki turned around and motioned the two to follow, "There's nothing for us here."

I watched them walk away, my mouth left wide open. It took me a moment to internalize the situation.

It was unbelievable. A second ago, my face had been shoved in between Tyki's legs, now I watched as the said man disappeared in the darkness of the alley. It all made so little sense, but I was so happy. I smiled widely and felt utterly free.

I had been able to get rid of all the men, who were mere days ago eager to get into my pants. I pressed my palm against my chest and felt my heart beating fast, but it only made me feel alive.

I turned to look at Kanda with a smile, only to see him sitting on the ground, holding his stomach. My happiness was replaced with concern and fear, as I kneeled down next to him, "K-Kanda! Are you alright?!"

"You fucking idiot…" Kanda coughed and grabbed my arm, "Let this be the last time you act like a fucking martyr."

I watched as he inhaled sharp breaths in between his coughs. I gritted my teeth, as I stood up and tried to pull Kanda back on his feet, "C'mon, Kanda, let's get out of here…" The black-haired man took my hand and helped himself up. I smiled and draped his hand around my shoulder, allowing him to support his weight against me.

"You're so messed up…" Kanda muttered. He kept holding his stomach and I hoped that Skin Bolic hadn't injured any of his internal organs. His limping looked painful and I doubted I was any help to him.

I sighed and decided that I would drive Kanda's car and take us to my place, since it was closer and I thought I might find my way there. I focused on getting out of the alley way and to Kanda's car, although the man, who was leaning on me, breathed down on my neck, which sent shivers down my spine.

"You're lucky that brat came." Kanda grunted, "I would have hated to castrate that man in front of your eyes."

I smiled. That's when I truly understood that I couldn't live without Kanda.

* * *

When we got to my place, I dragged Kanda to my bedroom. He weighted a lot more than I had thought, but somehow I managed to get his tall form on my bed.

Kanda had his eyes closed, but his unsteady breathing told me that he wasn't sleeping. I sat down on the bed and carefully rolled his shirt up to see the damage done to his chest. I winced as I saw purple bruises all the way from his stomach to his chest.

I stood up slowly and made my way to the kitchen. I opened my freezer and took out a bag of ice. As I returned to my room, I saw Kanda sitting on the bed, his eyes instantly fixed at me as I walked in.

"I thought we were supposed to go to my place." Kanda stated.

"Yeah, but mine was closer." I replied calmly, as I walked to the bed and pushed Kanda down on his back, "You should relax. Do you think that I should call the doctor?"

Kanda shook his head. He didn't fight back when I pressed the ices against his bruised skin. He sighed deeply, but seemed unable to relax. He seemed a little faint and his pale skin was becoming even paler.

"Hey, Kanda…" I said quietly, trying to think of something to keep him conscious, "Thanks for… saving me." I swallowed. Somehow, Kanda had managed to save me. Thanks to him, Tyki had left. The man he had murdered somehow ended up solving everything. True, it grossed me out, but I still felt grateful, "…Without you, Tyki'd still be running after me."

"Millenium Earl…" Kanda said, his eyes staring at the ceiling, blankly, "…I killed him for you."

I winced and pressed the bag of ice a little bit harder against his chest. I wondered if he was feeling dizzy and speaking nonsense. I let out a faked laugh and said, "You should rest… You hurt yourself pretty bad back there…"

Kanda grabbed my hand and squeezed my wrist hard enough to make me drop the ices, "Millenium Earl… he's done a number on you."

"Shh…" I tried to calm him down and caressed his cheek with my free hand. I realized that the ghosts of the past were getting to him, as he was on the brink of losing consciousness. I had no idea who this 'Millenium Earl' was, even though the name did sound distantly familiar. I smiled warmly and stated reassuringly, "We're both safe now. There's no Millenium Earl."

Kanda's eyelids slipped close and he let out an empty laugh, "The man may be dead, but the aftereffects never wear off."

I watched as Kanda fell asleep in an instant. His breathing became steadied and his whole body became a little more relaxed. I picked up the icebag from the floor and gently placed it on top of his chest.

I didn't understand any of what he had just said. He couldn't have killed the 'Millenium Earl', because he had known that it would someday save me from a molester. Maybe he was mistaking me for someone. There was no way that man's death could have affected my life.

After watching Kanda sleep for a moment, I stood up. I refused the idea to sleep next to him, since I didn't want to freak him out. I quietly walked out of the room and closed the door behind me. I must have woken Kanda up while I did that though, because second later I heard series of coughs. I hoped he hadn't caught a cold.

I took my shirt of and grabbed a blanket lying next to my small couch. I lied down on uncomfortable surface and focused my tired eyes on the ceiling.

Maybe tomorrow, Kanda and I could finally start living our lives like normal people.

…_or not._

* * *

Author's ending notes: My fingers are burniiiing. Reviews will ease my pain. :wink:


	13. Third Conclusion: Allen Walker

**S**plitting **S**ky

* * *

**T**hird **C**onclusion : Allen Walker

I stared at Kanda, as I found him in the kitchen the next morning. He stared at me, as if I had caught him doing something illegal. He wasn't wearing anything but his narrow jeans, as he was holding a spatula on his other hand and it seemed that he was in the middle of preparing eggs or bacon, I wasn't sure what the brown burnt thing on the frying pan was supposed to be.

"Err…" I started uneasily and scratched the back of my neck, "…I suppose I could take a shower before breakfast…"

Kanda cursed under his breath, as he quickly threw away the burnt breakfast. He tossed the spatula and the frying pan in the sink. Then he sat down by my small table, looking extremely dangerous and hungry. He didn't say anything, but I supposed he wanted me to feed him.

I walked to the fridge and opened it. My face paled at its emptiness. It had been a while since I had gone grocery shopping… I picked up a carton of milk and threw it away, since it had gone sour a week ago. What was left in the fridge was half-empty bottle of ketchup, one egg and juice concentrate. I quickly checked to freezer, but there were only ice and frozen bottle of water.

I turned to look at Kanda with a sheepish smile. I was afraid that he would skin me after finding out I had nothing to serve, "I guess I need to run to the nearby grocery store. You can wait here if you want…"

In a mere second Kanda was on his feet and with few leaps he was in front of me. He pushed me against the fridge and I wondered if he had intentions of killing me, but instead his dark eyes fixed at me. I swallowed hard.

"Forget about the food." He said darkly, "Being hungry makes me damn horny."

"Eh?!" I cried out, as he grabbed my waist with his large hands and held me still. I felt his lips attack my neck and I stopped breathing for a moment. He bit and sucked my skin. I tossed and turned my head.

Soon Kanda straightened his back and stared down at me, seeming very proud of himself. I blinked my eyes and touched the aching spot on my neck, trying to soothe the stinging. Kanda lifted his other hand from my waist and touched my jaw and ran his fingers up and down my cheek. I shivered, as he slowly drew closer again.

My feet started to tremble and I was lucky to have Kanda keeping me standing still. It was always like this— my knees got all weak and I could barely think straight when he came too close to me.

I let myself gently lean against him and tilted my head back to keep my eyes locked with his'. I forced a shaky smile on my lips, as I slowly rose up on my toes to meet his lips. I tried to keep my emotions in check, but I felt a strong urge to drop my defenses and go with the flow.

My head was spinning. And it was spinning _fast_.

But then, out of blue, Kanda took a step back and let me go. He ran his hand through his untied hair and gave me a fleeting look, "I need food."

I blinked my widened eyes, feeling angrier than ever before. I swallowed and quickly stumbled out of the kitchen. I felt embarrassed for almost letting myself being carried away by my emotions. It was the first time in a really long while that I had wanted to be seduced. I gritted my teeth and wanted to punch myself in the face.

I grabbed my coat and dashed out of the door, closing it loudly.

* * *

I sighed as I reached out to grab a carton of milk. I pulled my scarf up to cover the hickey Kanda had left on my skin, as an old woman walked past me, giving me a long look. I cursed mentally, as I quickly stomped to the cashier to pay for the groceries I had picked.

I kept cursing Kanda's name all the time, as I walked out of the grocery shop with two shopping bags. I tried to keep my expression as polite and friendly as always, but I knew I had a wrinkle in between my eyebrows. And it was all because of Kanda. I knew I shouldn't let it get to me, but _damn_ I was so pissed off. Kanda had no right to toy with my feelings like that.

That's when I had my mind made up— when I got home, I would walk without delaying to Kanda and be very straight. I would tell him everything, emphasizing the _insensible idiot _part. And of course, the fact that I might like him maybe a little bit too much and ask him not to leave or freak out.

I nodded my head confidently. It was clear by now that nothing good came out of hiding my feelings and taking other's feelings too much in consideration. It didn't mean I would become like Kanda, inhumanely incapable for empathy, but I needed to listen to myself too. I had a right to live and express my emotions, since I couldn't keep pleasing everyone forever.

And all this, I learned from Kanda. I laughed bitterly. I couldn't have ever guessed that I would learn the most important thing in life from Kanda.

So when I reached my apartment, I walked in with confidence I didn't know I had. I dropped the groceries on the floor and kicked my shoes off, before wandering deeper into my place, looking for Kanda with my eyes.

I found him in my room, sitting on my bed, his back facing me. I inhaled a deep breath and took a step forward.

"You're back." Kanda spoke before I could say anything.

I felt my confidence fading a little, as he looked over his shoulder. I tried to gather all of my courage, as I spoke, testing my voice, "Kanda, I think we should set some things straight."

"Damn right." Kanda stood up. As he turned around, I saw he was holding a book and it took me a while to recognize it. When I realized he was holding my _diary_, I forgot all about confessing my feelings to him. He threw the diary to me and stared at me with an unreadable expression, before he finally stated, "I knew it."

I gritted my teeth and pressed my journal against my chest. I wanted to yell at Kanda for being such an asshole, but at the same time, I felt too offended to raise my voice. And what did he think he'd _know_? That I'm a complete freak? The thought made me feel nauseous. I didn't want to be labeled as a freak, especially not now, not by Kanda.

I stared Kanda in the eyes, trying to find the answer in his eyes. I wanted to know if he was going to laugh and walk away.

"S-so…" I started, stepping away from the doorway, allowing him to walk away if he wanted. I smiled and nodded my head, "Now you know…"

Kanda let out a snort and walked around my bed slowly. I fixed my eyes down at the floor and I was sure that this would be the last time I'd see him. I suddenly remembered my resolution I had made to be more straight about my feelings. Therefore I looked up, taking aback when I saw Kanda looming face.

"I…" I once again found myself expressing myself unclearly. I closed my eyes and inhaled a deep breath. I had no reason to be nervous. Kanda always spoke his mind, so why should I be all shy about it? I clenched my fists and said, "Before you go, I wanted to say that you're an asshole and I kind of like you. So, uhh…" I bowed my head down, "If you want to go, then please do that. But I'd appreciate it if you… stayed."

_So there you have it_, I let out a long breath. It felt pretty great, although the words didn't quite come out as I planned.

"What the hell…" Kanda grunted and touched my chin, "I don't like to be called an asshole."

I chuckled and finally opened my eyes. Instead of looking at him, I ogled at his shirt, which must have made me look rather stupid, "…I'm sorry, but you are an asshole."

Kanda put his thumb under my jaw and lifted my head, "But still you like me? Bah."

I blinked my eyes. The way the conversation was proceeding made me wonder if Kanda had any intentions of leaving. I frowned and asked, "So you're not going to leave then?"

"I never said I was."

I stared at him, but I saw that he was being serious. I realized that it was obvious from the start— Kanda wasn't exactly _normal_ either. There was probably no way I could be seen as a freak through his eyes. It was like Kanda had said before, _we're both fucked up_. We both have done things wrong and there are things we have to atone for.

It was obvious that he, too, felt the same way for me. I doubted that there was anyone else in this world, who would be as good equivalent for Kanda as me. There was no question about it.

My head too caught in my cloudy thoughts, my mouth worked before I could think, "Kanda, I lov—…"

"Hold your horses." Kanda said, rudely cutting me off once more. I let out a loud sigh, but also happy that I hadn't said anything too out of character.

Unexpectedly, Kanda snatched my diary, which I had been holding against my chest, and opened it casually. I tried to seize the book back, but Kanda pushed me away gently and started reading out loud, "…_Funny, how I am so fully aware, but you're yet to realize. There is someone close to you, who should be able to tell the difference though_…"

"Kanda, stop it!" I cried out loud and somehow managed to steal back the diary, "You can't just… read people's diary's like that…!!"

"Who is this other person writing in your diary?" Kanda asked me the question, which had made me wonder as well.

I blinked my eyes and shrugged my shoulders rather stupidly, "…I don't know."

"Well, I do." Kanda said plainly. I gave him a doubting look— how could he know a thing if I didn't either? I didn't need to wait for the answer, since Kanda let out a humourless laugh and rubbed his temples, "Unbelievable. Don't tell me you never stopped to think if you're quite normal?"

"I have…!" I frowned, feeling irritated and humiliated, "I do that all the time. Because I know I'm not normal." I finally managed to snatch my diary away from Kanda. This time I walked to my drawer and placed it under my clothes. I chewed my bottom lip, as I closed my drawer and kept my hands on the wooden furniture.

"Tch. And you never asked for help?"

It was my turn to laugh. As if it had been that easy. I shook my head, "I couldn't ask help for a problem that exists in my head. I created this mess around me. But it doesn't matter anymore, because I have already solved it. Everything's fine again."

Kanda seemed to slowly lose his patience, since he walked to me and tore me away from my drawer. He held my wrist tightly and said, "You're right— it's all in your head. But don't think that everything's fine." He pulled me against his chest and awkwardly tied his arms around me. I swallowed the lump in my throat, as his hot breath touched my scalp.

"Kanda…" I placed my hands on the small of his back and my chin on his shoulder.

"Do you remember when we slept together?"

I stiffened in his arms, before I shoved him away and stared at him in shock. I hadn't slept with Kanda. _I most definitely had not_. I shook my head, attempting to laugh at Kanda's 'joke', "Are you sure you weren't dreaming?"

"So I was right all along." Kanda stated coolly, unfazed by my comment, as he tried to pull me back against his chest, but I took a step away.

I narrowed my eyes and tried to figure out what was running through his head. More importantly, I was trying to understand what was running through _my_ head. It seemed as if Kanda knew something what I didn't know about me. I took yet another step away, "Who are you really?"

"What the hell?" Kanda laughed mockingly, "What do you want me to answer? You wanna hear my biography?"

"N-no…" I mumbled, trying not to sound bowled over. I thought for a moment and then brought up a question I had meant to ask ages ago, "You told me you're a doctor… But you don't quite look like one."

Kanda shrugged, "And you don't quite look like a beansprout. I suppose looks can be deceiving." I frowned at his remark. He noticed my disapproval, but ignored it and went on with answering my actual question, "I'm not your average doctor who cuts holes in people. I'm actually a psychotherapist, my usual patients being those who are or were locked up in mental hospitals."

At that instant, everything I used to believe came crashing down. The thought of Kanda being any kind of doctor was absurd enough, but a shrink… that was just so unexpected. Kanda had never shown much interest for other people, especially not when it came to offering help.

"So you… help people…?" I asked in amazement.

"You make it sound like eighth wonder of the world." Kanda groaned. I secretly thought that it really must have been the eighth wonder of the world. I watched as he rolled his eyes and became serious again, "But you on the other hand… what should I do with you?"

I gave him a look, which must have reflected either fear or anticipation, I wasn't sure which one was dominating my emotions, "What do you mean?" I took a step back and stiffed, as he once again tried to close the distance between us. This time he kept persisting, until he had his hands on my waist. I stared at him with half-lidded eyes, "…I think you should start explaining yourself."

"Bea—… Allen." He said my name seductively. I could have stayed there just all day, listen him to say my name out loud, but he had other things in mind. He poked my forehead, "You are Allen now, right?"

I blinked my eyes and nodded, "Yeah…? I'm always me."

"Sometimes you are." Kanda let his fingertip stay pressed against my temple, "And sometimes you're not."

"You're not making any sense." I complained.

"Why do you think you ended up in beds with men you had never met?" Kanda asked forcefully. He let his finger move from my temple to my jaw, until his hand landed on my shoulder. He didn't wait for me to answer his question, before he announced, "You can't logically explain it."

"That's what I've been wondering too…" I said awkwardly. It was weird to talk about this, since no one had ever asked me _how_ and _why_. But did it matter anymore? It was over. The contradictions were over, weren't they? I truly hoped so, "…It's true I don't know how Tyki and Lavi appeared in my life. But with Bak, I was full aware of what I was doing."

Kanda shook his head, "But there were times when you didn't know what you had done. It was as if there was another person inside of you, taking control of you."

The way the conversation was proceeding made me feel nervous. I didn't like the way Kanda read me like an open book.

"There's another person in you." Kanda declared, like a psychotherapist to a patient. He said it with so much confidence that it made me shiver, "You hide it pretty damn well, but there's no question about it. Those men didn't pop out of nowhere. _I_ didn't come out of nowhere. You have split personality."

"What do you…" I tried to internalize what Kanda had just said. It had never occurred to me that it wasn't me who had brought this upon myself, "…but how…?"

I looked down at my hands, which didn't feel like _my_ hands any longer. If there was someone else in me, how could I tell that I was the _real_ me? What if I was only a parasite, living inside of someone's mind? Were all my memories fake? But I was sure that I knew where I had come from and how I had ended up here. I couldn't have imagined all that.

I felt my palms get sweaty and my head throbbed painfully. I didn't want to admit that I wasn't the only one occupying my mind. It just couldn't be. It was absurd and I was sure that there must be another explanation for my blackouts and weird relationships.

"You're wrong." I told Kanda and shook my head fiercely, "I am me." I wasn't trying to convince Kanda. I was trying to tell myself that there was no other option, "If I had other personality, I would've noticed it… I'm sure I…" I bit my lip, "…it just can't be true."

"Dear god…" Kanda, whose hand was still on my waist, groaned, "How many things you want to screw up before you understand? It has practically slapped you straight across your fucking face, but you still deny it?"

I pushed Kanda away, as I started to lose my patience. This wasn't the solution I was looking for. The complications were supposed to be over, but this only messed things up worse. I bit my lip as I stared at Kanda, swallowing my frustration, "What do you think you'd know? You're not me."

"Quit being a fucking moron." Kanda raised his voice, he, too, becoming impatience, "It's you who don't know yourself." He seemed to want spit some really cruel words straight at my face, but he restrained himself and let out a long breath, "Look, it's as simple as that. With proper help, you might get better, or you might not."

I took steps back until my back hit the wall. I clasped my hand over my mouth, finding myself unable to accept any of what I had heard. I shook my head once more and asked quietly, "…But how could this happen to me? My life… it never has been that bad…" I let my gaze wander down at my feet. _Everything was good… until Mana died…_

"Bah." Kanda let out a disbelieving snort, "Your life isn't all that great."

I covered my ears and sat down on the floor, "My life is awesome. I could never ask for a better life…!"

I tried not to listen to Kanda, but I heard his low voice even through my hands, which were tightly pressed against my ears, "Stop fucking kiddin' yourself. You've lost someone very important."

_Mana…_

"Shut up!!" I yelled and pulled my knees up to my chest. How could he know about Mana? I hated it how he spoke as if he knew everything. My mind showed me the moment I heard Mana died.

"_I'm sorry to tell you this, boy, but there was an accident."_

_There were pair of large eyes, as a large man looked down at me. He didn't look like he was sorry. He _wasn't_ sorry. Instead his sinister eyes twinkled with joy of accomplishment._

"_Mana is dead."_

I shook the flashback out of my mind. I wasn't sure if I was screaming, since the reality started to become blurred. My past memories attempted to surface, but I had kept them at the bay for so long that I wasn't ready to let them come back all at once. But no matter how much I tried, I kept remembering the warmth of Mana's lap, as he read me bedtime stories and the safety his mere presence had emitted.

I leaned my back against the wall and pressed my temple against my knees. Momentarily, I forgot all about Kanda and everyone else. The only thing my mind was displaying was random flashbacks of Mana and me.

"Beansprout…! _Allen_!!"

I heard Kanda yell my name. I fell forward and met with his warm chest. His presence was much like Mana's— it gave me a sense of safety. It felt like I was home again.

I moved my parted lips, mouthing the words I couldn't say out loud,

_I love you_.

* * *

My eyes snapped open and I sat up. My head felt funny and my arms were numb from armpits to fingertips. I hadn't realized I had blacked out.

"Allen…?"

I blinked my eyes and looked at Lenalee, who sat down on the floor, next to the couch I was lying on and gave me a glass of water and a white pill, which I supposed was a painkiller. I stared at her for a moment, wondering what had happened to Kanda. I took the medicine Lenalee was offering me and asked, "Where's Kanda?"

"He brought you here." Lenalee watched as I swallowed the pill. I realized I was at Komui and Lenalee's place. The dark-haired woman leaned forward to touch my forehead and started to look worried, "He said he needed to take care of something and he would be back in a while." She poked my neck and giggled, "Nice hickey, by the way."

I quickly covered my neck with my hand and gave the empty glass back to Lenalee. The hickey didn't make me feel uneasy, but I felt oppressed as I thought of our conversation before I lost consciousness. I figured I must have felt faint after not eating breakfast and therefore reacted so strongly to Kanda's suggestion.

"Did something happen?" Lenalee asked, "Kanda seemed kind of… out of it."

I sighed and shrugged my shoulders, "I thought he always lets you in on everything."

"What? Me?" Lenalee laughed and shook her head in disagreement. She seemed amused, as she spoke, "He once opened up to me. But that was because he had had a fight with you and ended up getting dead drunk. He ended up in our café and kept moaning all night about you." As she saw my embarrassed expression, she smirked, "Oh no, Allen, you didn't think I was trying to steal your man?"

I pressed my palm against my eyes. It was hard for me to imagine drunken Kanda, but I still pitied Lenalee for having to endure something like that. It made me feel guilty for being mad at her before. I bit my bottom lip and said weakly, "I'm sorry, Lenalee. I was just surprised when you seemed to know a lot about him."

"Well, I was surprised when he opened up to me." Lenalee frowned, "It was when he had gotten into fight with Lavi. He told me he had waited for you outside your apartment and when you had come back, he had thrown a mindless fit. He was sure you never wanted to see him again."

I shook my head tiredly. Just when I thought I had understood the relationship between Kanda and I, everything only got more twisted. It was tiring, how we couldn't escape the rat race, which kept us getting closer, but eventually tore us apart again. I knew I was in love with Kanda, but I had no idea what he thought of me now. If I only was a normal person…

Lenalee seemed to realize what I was thinking, since she placed her hand on mine and looked me in the eyes, "But whatever you do, don't give up on him."

"I'm just so confused…" I sighed and gave her a smile, which I thought would calm her, "I need some time to think this over. There's just… something really wrong with me. I'm not sure if Kanda is ready to let me in."

Lenalee held tighter on my hand and instead of letting me be, she kept insisting, "Then that makes two of you!" Her confidence was bewildering me, "But time is something you don't have. If you think too long, you end up losing everything. At times like this, it's not important what you know is right, but you need to do what you feel is right."

_Time is something we don't have?_ I asked myself, trying to figure out why we had no time. I didn't think that my personality disorder stole my time away or shortened my lifespan. But what about Kanda? I swallowed, "…Lenalee...? Is there something wrong with Kanda?"

"He… still hasn't said anything?" Lenalee sounded disappointed. She gave me a concerned look, as she stood up and stated, "It isn't my place to say this, but I think Kanda needs you more than you need him. I can't tell you what to do, but I advice you to be honest with him. There's nothing wrong in showing that you care."

She then walked out of the room and left me to think. But there was really nothing to contemplate anymore.

I was worried about Kanda. There were so many things I still didn't know about him and he never seemed to want to tell me anything. And I didn't want to pry too much, since I was afraid I might piss him off.

But on the other hand, what if Kanda was looking for a person who knew how to get information out of him? He was always so secretive, but maybe it was only because he didn't know how to tell how he felt?

I hid my face in my hands and let out a frustrated cry.

"So, you're awake."

I immediately let my hands drop from my face and I fixed my eyes at Kanda, who was standing in the doorway.

"I suppose you've calmed your ass down a little too." He snorted, as he walked through the room and sat down on the couch, close to my feet. He smelled like cigarettes, even though he had tried to hide the smell with some cologne.

I inhaled a deep breath and moved to a more proper sitting position, "Why did you bring me here? And where were you?"

"I brought you here, 'cause I needed to run to my office to pick up few things." Kanda explained and crossed his arms above his chest. He stared at me, as if he wanted to ask how I was feeling. He seemed somewhat distant, compared to how he couldn't keep his hands off me this morning.

"I see." I said, sounding less interested than what I really was. I could feel an air of awkwardness linger between us. Maybe now that Kanda had discovered my true identity— or identities— he was starting to become less interested in me. But I couldn't really blame him, since the thought of having two personalities freaked me out as well.

Kanda cleared his throat and stood back up, "Let's go."

"W-where to?" I asked, surprised that he was willing to take me with him. Maybe I understood him all wrong once again.

"Where do you wanna go?" He questioned, while I scrambled up from the sofa and straightened my clothes. He gave me a small smirk, which made my heart leap to my throat, "My place was what I had in mind, but I dunno about you."

My heart beat fast, as I replied, "Anywhere is fine with me."

* * *

We ended up in his bed, in his dark bedroom.

I had my head resting on Kanda's chest and I had curled up against his side. We were sprawled across the bed, both of us too tired to do anything. We hadn't even bothered to take our clothes off, as we had arrived to Kanda's place. I had first insisted to go sleep on the couch, but Kanda had pulled me to his bedroom and without a question, next to him.

So we were lying on Kanda's bed, but it was completely innocent. And I liked it that way— being able to just lie down next to someone without being forced to have sex. It wasn't that I wasn't interested in making love with Kanda… I just wanted to relax and listen to his relaxing heartbeat and his steady breathing.

It was probably late afternoon, but it felt as if I had been awake forever. Or maybe it was just the cozy atmosphere, which made me want to doze off.

"Kanda…?" I asked quietly, breaking the silence. He let out a small noise, letting me know that he was ready to hear my question. I closed my eyes, "You said earlier that we have already slept together… You weren't joking, were you?"

"No." He replied, but then he corrected his answer, "I mean, I've had sex with _the other you_."

"Right…" I smiled. I supposed technically I hadn't slept with Kanda, which made me feel a lot better. I snickered, as I couldn't help but ask, "Was it good?"

Kanda snorted and ran his hand through my semi-long white hair, "If you don't want me to rape you, I suggest you shut your mouth and go to sleep."

"Alright, alright." I laughed and allowed myself to fall asleep.

* * *

Author's ending notes: Thanks for awesome plus 250 reviews! BTW, this is not the last chapter, so don't worry! :D


	14. Final Mistake: Kanda Yu

**S**plitting **S**ky

* * *

**F**inal **M**istake : Kanda Yu – part one -

"_Mana…! Ma-na! __I'm going to be a lion tamer when I grow up!"_

_Mana caught me in a hug, as I ran to him. Despite the melancholic makeup on his face, the happiness radiated from him. We both wanted to be so happy and free. He was a pierrot and he was tied to the circus and I was orphan, who had nowhere else to go. This was the only place on earth we could call home._

"_You're such a big boy already Allen." Mana said to me and loosened his grip around me, "But not big enough to tame a lion. And when you're that big, you might want to leave the circus."_

_I shook my head. If I could stay with Mana, I would stay forever, tied to the circus, "I want to stay with you forever!"_

"_Allen…" Mana smiled a little and patted my head. I was young and naïve, but I didn't know anything else. The outside world was an evil place with full of deceitful people. But Mana showed his disapproval by shaking his head and saying, "Allen, I'm afraid that I—…"_

"_Dear Mana."_

_We both turned to look at a man with sinister eyes. The man was fat and he had a tall top hat. His mouth was forced in an awful smile, which made me shiver. That man was evil, or so Mana had taught me. That man was also the head of the circus and he didn't want anyone to leave, especially not Mana._

"_And young Allen, too. You grow more adorable each day." The man said and tried to reach out to touch me, but Mana pushed me behind his back, hiding me from him. He burst out in ominous laughter, which hurt my ears, "Admirable. It is a shame that you won't always be here to protect him. Someday, I will have him."_

_I didn't understand why he wanted me. But I knew that he was sick in one way or another._

_I looked at the man from behind Mana. The man was staring right back at me, his evil eyes captivating me, pinning me, trapping me. He didn't allow us to leave. We would be trapped here, forever. But I was with Mana, so I would be alright… right?_

"_In fact, I came here to tell you that tonight's show is going to be hectic." The man said and turned around. He kept laughing, as he started to walk away, "I think that we need to… heat things up little bit."_

_He laughed so hard that my ears stung. I tried to cover them, but the laughing was inside my head now. I tried to match the voice with my own screaming, which made it only worse_

_Suddenly the scene changed. I stopped screaming, since the laughing in my head also stopped. _

_Then I saw endless fire. And I saw Mana, engulfed by the flames, his face twisted in pain. I tried to run to him— to save him or die with him, I didn't care, but as I ran I didn't move forward. _

"_Mana!!" I screamed and tried to run faster. I glanced hysterically around me and saw the sinister man with the top hat standing in the shadows. I changed my course to him and pleased, "Please, don't take Mana away!!"_

_He laughed again. My whole existence was filled with hatred and uncontrollable sadness._

"_I'm sorry to tell you this, but there was an accident. Mana is dead." The man spoke. He suddenly became dead serious, as he started to take long steps toward me, his hand held out to grab me, "No one can ever leave this circus. Especially not you."_

_He curled his fat fingers around my neck and brought me closer to his face. I saw all of his evilness reflecting in his tiny eyes. I didn't want to look, but his hand around my throat gave me no choice. I was overwhelmed by terror, which spread from my head to my fingertips and all the way down to my toes. Fear was all I could feel._

"_You will never leave."_

"_No_!! Mana!!" I opened my eyes, the scenery changing once again. This time I realized that I was awake and my heart was racing in my chest. I inhaled deep breaths and touched my neck, just to make sure that I had only been dreaming.

"Allen?"

I jumped a little when I felt two arms wrap around my chest. Kanda, who was pulling me against his chest from behind, breathed against my shoulder. I swallowed hard and said quietly, "I-I'm sorry… I just saw a bad dream…"

"Hn." Kanda embraced me tighter and fell back down on the mattress, pulling me down with him. He shifted our positions, until I was lying on his chest and he had his hand caressing my hair, "Go back to sleep."

I nodded my head, although I didn't feel like sleeping anymore. I felt troubled— the dream had felt so real. I had had similar dreams before, but they had been more abstract and made less sense to me. I was still trembling, since I couldn't quite shake off the feeling of fear the dream had given me.

"Calm down. It was just a dream." Kanda muttered and ran his hand through my hair soothingly.

"But I…" I pressed my cheek against his bare chest. I knew I was safe, but so many questions stirred up in my mind. I had always had trouble remembering the times when I was young, even though I had clear memories of Mana and the traveling circus. Mana had been a pierrot in that said circus and I was an orphan with no place to go.

I had been told that Mana had died in an accident during a performance. The head of the circus was also arrested, although I didn't know why. I realized that I didn't really know much of what happened back then… or maybe I just didn't want to know?

"Kanda…" I breathed out Kanda's name to check if he was still awake. He grunted in response. I lifted my head from his chest and peered at his face, "…The man you killed… this _Millenium Earl_… you said you killed him for me." I tried to put together the pieces out loud. It could be that… "He… he killed Mana, didn't he?"

Kanda was silent for a while, before he sighed deeply. After that he pushed me gently away from his chest and sat up on the edge of his bed. He coughed a little, as he took out a cigarette from a carton on his nightstand. I sat up too and moved to sit next to him.

"I don't think that this' something we should discuss in the middle of a night." Kanda complained, as he inhaled a deep breath of the cigarette's smoke.

"You never want to tell me anything!" I let out a frustrated growl. I stared at the cigarette he was holding in between his fingers and frowned deeply, "I know it's not your problem, but you know more than I do… I just want to know what went wrong…"

"He was my patient. As I said before, my patients are usually those who are or have been in mental hospitals." Kanda started explaining. I was surprised that he actually chose to answer this time. He put down his cigarette on an ashtray, "He was a troublesome patient. He certainly wasn't ready to be set free, but some fuckers who decide these kinds of things said that he should be sent home already,

"He was originally meant to be put in jail for Mana Walker's murder and child molesting, but he avoided all that by pretending to have lost his marbles. Frankly, he was rather fucked up from the start." Kanda looked at me, uneasiness and disgust displaying on his face, "He spoke about you, a lot. He told me that you _belonged_ to him and not to Mana."

I squirmed a little and swallowed the lump in my throat, "…Mana… so Earl killed him…"

"But then I met you." Kanda spoke, not even hearing what I had just said. He placed his hand on my thigh and stated firmly, "You were always smiling annoyingly and making me that goddamn cardamom coffee… and then somehow, I ended up sleeping with you. I was trashed back then and looking for a one night stand."

I blinked my eyes, as Kanda touched my cheek with his palm and leaned closer. His breath smelled of cigarettes, but I was already so used to the scent that it merely made me feel cozy.

"Goddamn, beansprout." Kanda grumbled, "With the other you, it might've been one night stand. But I kept coming back for _you_. I constantly asked myself _why _did I keep wasting my time with you." He let out a short laugh and leaned back, even putting a small distance between us, "You do understand that under the circumstances, I had my mind made up when I had the chance to kill him."

I dazzled by his confession. He had done so much behind my back and I had never shown any real gratitude toward him, "Kanda… I never knew…" I bit my lip, "But doesn't this mean that you're in trouble now…? Shouldn't you be accused of murder?"

"I gave him strong sleeping tablets, claiming them to be medication for his so-called depression." I knew he wanted to seem proud of what he had done, but his voice was shaking and he didn't look at me in the eye, "It was so easy to make it look like an accidental overdose of drugs. No one could ever connect me to his death. No one could ever prove what I'd done to him."

"Kanda…" For some reason, I felt bad. It was as if _I_ had forced Kanda to kill Earl. And all this time, I had imagined that he was a heartless bastard without knowing that he had saved my life.

All of a sudden Kanda stood up and picked up his shirt from the floor. I stared at him as he dressed up and grabbed the carton of cigarettes from the nightstand as well as his car keys.

"Where are you going?" I asked and followed after him, as he walked out of his room. I knew that this time I couldn't have said or done anything wrong.

"Out." He answered bluntly. I couldn't understand why he was leaving— I thought that our conversation had been progressing pretty well. I bit my lip, as I chased him all the way to the front door, where he stopped for a moment to put his shoes on.

"Why are you running away?" I asked, slightly frustrated. I grabbed his hand, but he pulled away from my grip quickly. As he was about to walk to the door, I ran around him and stood in his way. I pressed my back against the door and tried to look as tall as I could, "You're always like this… when we are starting to get somewhere, you just leave like that…!"

"I don't need any emotional attachments. I've already said too much." Kanda mumbled darkly, as he tried to open the door, but I firmly stood still.

"You're wrong!" I raised my voice and pressed my palms against his chest and shoved him back, even though he barely moved an inch. I looked at him, not even trying to analyze him this time. Thinking and carefully choosing my words never helped with him, so I might as well go all-out, "You're always saving your words. You've never said enough!"

I pressed myself even harder against the door, as Kanda pressed his hand on the doorknob. He looked down at me, while I kept narrowing my eyes at him, daring him to try and leave. He couldn't keep running forever.

"Allen… _beansprout_." He corrected and placed his other hand against the door, right next to my head, "You think I'm fooling around with you? Do you think I'm doing this because I _want_ to?"

Of course he wanted to, if he hadn't, he wouldn't have teased me this way. Maybe this was his idea of a relationship.

"What's wrong with you?" I asked, my frustration taking the best of me, "First you get all emotional and then you back away! It's like you were afraid of me or something…!" I stomped my foot on the floor, "It's impossible for you to complete what you have started?!"

Kanda furrowed his eyebrows, making him look more dangerous, as he lunged forward and pressed his lips against mine. I hit the back of my head against the door and almost lost my balance. He grabbed my waist and kept me on my feet, while he ran his tongue in and out of my mouth. His movements got rough, as if he wasn't going to hold back now.

"_Complete what I've started_?" He spoke against my lips and thrust his hips against mine, the friction sending shivers down my spine. He smirked a little, as he provoked a small moan out of my mouth, "You want me to _complete_ this?"

I gasped, when he slipped his hand under my shirt and slowly caressed my abdomen. I grabbed his shoulders, trying to stop him, "This is… not what I meant…"

Kanda groaned and quickly lifted me up and threw me over his shoulder. I hardly had any time to think, when my back hit his bed's mattress and he climbed on top of me.

"Then what do you want, beansprout? Kanda asked, while resting his hand on top of my groin, "Do you want me to do it slow or get over with it as quickly as possible?"

He rubbed the front of my pants, making me want to submit to him. I breathed in and out heavily and clutched his long black hair. I was still terribly angry with him and the molesting did nothing to help me calm my nerves.

I pulled his head down and kissed his lips roughly, biting on his lower lip. He let out a low growl and pulled his head away, before attacking my neck as revenge. I stopped breathing, as he bit and sucked on a spot on my neck. He kept on sucking for so long that I had to squirm and tried to kick him, which eventually made him stop sucking. He became gentler as he planted a trail of kisses all the way down to my chest.

I started to get sweaty and my breaths grew heavier. My hands were still tangled in his hair, while the rest of my body was pressed as close to Kanda as possible. I grinded my hips against his daringly, wanting some sort of relief for the building tension.

Kanda grabbed the hem of my pants and pulled them down. I eagerly helped him to get completely rid of my clothes, while I kept tugging and pulling at his shirt, until I was able to remove it. We exchanged rushed kissed all the while, before Kanda spread my legs and pushed two fingers inside of my mouth. I licked the fingers in my mouth, but before I got too carried away, Kanda pulled his hand away and started to prod my entrance.

I held my breath, as he pressed his fingers inside of me. He looked down at me, expecting me to tell him to stop. I let out a desperate whine, which persuaded him to continue.

"You're truly asking for this, aren't you…" Kanda said through his gritted teeth. I realized that he was trying to hold onto his composure. But as his eyes ran down my body, he let out an anxious snarl, "… god, you're driving me crazy."

I moaned, when he pulled out his fingers and grabbed my waist. He pulled me closer, my back sliding against the silky bed sheets. My heart started throbbing almost painfully in my chest.

"K-Kanda…" I looked at Kanda and realized that I wasn't angry anymore. I let my hands fall on my both sides, feeling an unspeakable emotion creep thorough my body. I must have looked a little nervous, since Kanda stopped all of his actions and stared at me.

Kanda bent down and brushed his nose against my earlobe, "Call me Yu."

I closed my eyes, as he hoisted my waist slightly from the mattress and pressed his lower body closer. I gripped the sheets, preparing myself for what's to come.

Kanda pushed in slowly. I threw my head back and my lips parted, when a long moan came from deep down my throat. A tingly feeling under my abdomen made me shiver, even though the pain was little unsettling. I wrapped my legs around his waist and tried to breathe steadily.

Kanda moved cautiously, his hands holding onto me more gently. When he saw me wince, he stopped moving forward. He had always been so rough and straightforward, but when it came to me, he always seemed to make exceptions.

"Oh, god…" I groaned, trying to push my hips forward and take in more of him, "P-please… just move…"

It was all Kanda needed to encourage him to push all the way in. It was painful, but for the most part it was only _wonderful_. My eyes shot open, when he moved back a little, before thrusting in with more force. I wrapped my legs around his waist and arched my back in attempt to let Kanda

I tossed my head from side to side, when the pace grew faster and harder. I heard Kanda groan and breathe out my name, "…llen… Allen…"

He grabbed my chin, as he leaned down and pressed his lips on mine. I licked his tongue, which was flitting out of his mouth. I clenched his shoulders, digging my fingernails in his pale skin. He hissed and gave me one last kiss, before pulling away and plunged inside of me with such vigor that I let out a small scream and my grip on his shoulders loosened.

"Kan—…" I pressed my eyes shut, as I felt the pleasure streaming all over my body. I was shrouded in endless bliss, something I had never felt before. I was sure that Kanda felt it too. I swallowed hard, "…_Yu_…"

It seemed as if I turned him on more when I called out his name. He mumbled something under his breath, while moving without a rhythm, building up tension in my abdomen. I was close to reaching my climax, my pulsing erection itching for release.

"Scream." Kanda grunted, placing kisses on my collarbone.

"Yu…!" My voice was high pitched, but it wasn't a scream. But when Kanda pushed so far in that it drove me over the edge, I think I might have screamed at the top of my lungs.

I wrinkled my toes and grasped Kanda's shoulders, as I came all over his and my stomach. My whole body tensed for a second, which made Kanda release his seed inside of me. He didn't pull himself out of me, when he collapsed on top of me.

I relaxed under his weight and let go of his shoulders. I draped my arms around his neck and breathed against his skin.

It was perfect. It was as if we were made for each other. His body fit mine flawlessly and even though we were almost polar opposites, it felt as if we had arrived at some sort of mental harmony. In a way we completed each other.

"Wow." Kanda rolled over and brought me on top of his chest. He caressed my hair lovingly, "I'll sure remember this forever."

"You'd better." I smiled and closed my eyes and listened to his beating heart. I sighed, feeling extremely comfortable lying there with Kanda. I nuzzled my nose against his muscled chest and said quietly, "I'm happy to be here with you…"

Kanda let out a barely audible chuckle, "Don't get sappy on me now."

"I was just being honest…" I whined and gently bit him under his collarbone. I left a small mark on his skin, but I figured it was nothing compared to the markings on my neck.

Kanda whispered something, but I didn't quite catch it. I opened my eyes and looked at him questioningly. He realized that I hadn't heard what he had just said and shook his head, "Never mind. I'm just talking to myself."

I saw a melancholic look on his face. He stroked my cheek, his deep black eyes staring at me. Those eyes hid so many emotions and memories behind them and I wondered if he could ever trust me enough to let me in on all of his secrets. Because the more I got to know him, the less I knew about him.

I wanted to think that I had rest of my life to figure out everything about him, but something in the back of my mind told me otherwise. I started to feel like this might be the last time I see him. But I wanted to be with him so badly that I quickly shook off the unnerving feeling, telling myself that I was only imagining things. Nothing could come between us again.

"Kanda…" I inched closer to his face and saw how sad he actually looked. I swallowed, before I kissed his lips quickly, "…You're not… going to leave, are you?"

Kanda sighed tiredly and looked away, not looking me in the eye as he said, "No."

I felt relieved and closed my eyes again. I wanted to fall asleep and wake up next to him the next morning.

I felt safe and comfortable. I felt like I was finally back home.

* * *

I woke up the next morning and felt a gust of cold air against my face. I yawned and turned to my side, attempting to throw my arm over Kanda and snuggle closer to him. But my hand landed on the cold mattress. I fumbled for the person next to me, but found nothing but air and pillows.

I blinked my eyes open and saw that Kanda's side of bed was empty. I didn't get too worried though— I figured that he had gone to get some breakfast or something.

I smiled and pulled the blanket tighter around my naked body. Last night had been great. It was unbelievable that we had actually done that, but I didn't regret anything. Actually, I was ready for round two when Kanda came back. I giggled stupidly and closed my eyes again, pretending to be asleep.

Several minutes passed, but there was still no sign of Kanda. I sat up on the bed and scratched my head, feeling mild pain right under my abdomen. I looked around the room and tried to listen to any possible noises in the apartment, but there was nothing. I frowned, but tried to think positively. Maybe Kanda had gone to work or out for some fresh air?

I spotted a light yellow post-it note on the nightstand. I hesitated for a moment, before I snatched it and read it quickly,

_I left Dr. Tiedoll's business card on the kitchen table. Contact him— he'll be able to help you with your problem._

_I'm sorry I lied to you. I've done so many things wrong, but I'm not going to screw this one up._

_Don't wait for me._

_-Kanda Yu_

The note fell from my hands. My eyes widened and I pressed my hand in front of my mouth, "It can't be…"

I stood up quickly, which made my head spin a little. I dashed out of Kanda's bedroom and ran around the apartment, screaming his name and tripping over doorsills. Where could have he gone? He couldn't have gone far, since this was his apartment and his home…

I ignored the tears pouring down from my eyes. Maybe this was just a prank. Yes, that must be it. Kanda had no reason to leave… _right_?

"Kanda…!!" I yelled and fell on the floor in his living room, right in front of his full-HD television. I tried to get up, but my hands were trembling and my legs had gone numb. I inhaled a deep breath and cried one more time, "_Kanda!!_"

I screamed and cried, but nothing happened. It didn't make any sense to me, since I had thought that Kanda wanted to be with me too. I didn't want to believe that he was gone, but I was given no choice.

"Where did I go wrong?" I asked myself quietly, but I didn't know. I seriously had no idea what had gone wrong. I gripped my hair, pulling at my locks in despair as I sobbed.

Maybe I had been wrong all along, once again. I had wanted to be with him so badly that I had not noticed the obvious signs. Maybe this was his revenge for making him feel miserable… and if that was the case, I did deserve all of the pain and sadness, which gradually took over my mind and paralyzed me.

He truly was gone.

* * *

Author's ending notes: finally this chapter's ready… I rewrote the beginning at least five times, finding it difficult to choose the best way to continue. It still didn't turn out quite the way I planned, but what the hell, better than nothing! :D I'll _try_ to write the next chapter faster. Thank you for your encouraging reviews— they really do make me want to update faster. :)


	15. Final Mistake: Kanda Yu: part 2

**S**plitting **S**ky

* * *

**F**inal **M**istake : Kanda Yu – part two -

_Two months later…_

"W-why…"

I lifted my bleeding wrists to my eye level. The cuts weren't deep, not _this time_, but the stung.

I started to feel faint, as I watched the blood pour slowly down my arms and drop down on the tiled bathroom floor. As my eyes cast down, I noticed writing on the floor. There were few words written with charcoal pen, stained and smudged red by blood.

_I want to die_, read on the floor, with bold letters, _you have ruined my life Allen Walker._

I swallowed hard, but the nauseous feeling was stuck in my stomach and throat. Sometimes, I wanted to die too. I wished that I could just sleep forever and forget everything.

But part of me was terribly angry. I gripped my hair and groaned, "Why are you doing this?!" I stood up on my wobbly legs. I supported my weight against a porcelain sink and stared at my reflection in the mirror above it. I narrowed my eyes, trying to see the one who kept hurting me in my eyes, "It's _you _who ruined _my _life! You have no right to do this to _my_ body…!"

I turned the tap and poured some water on my wrists. I disinfected the red wounds, the cold disinfection liquid stinging and prickling under my skin. I gritted my teeth, as I quickly bandaged my wrists, hoping that I never had to see my wrists cut again.

After all, _he_ had no right to do such a thing. This was my body. I looked at myself in the mirror and sighed at the black crescents under my eyes. I pressed my palm against the mirror's surface, "…This is me… right?"

_Maybe this will kill me after all_.

* * *

"Allen! It's so nice to see you again!"

I smiled at Lenalee, as I sat down by the counter and placed my backbag on the floor next to my stool, "It's nice to see you too, Lenalee. I'm sorry I haven't been able to come here too often." I looked around and saw that neither Reever nor Komui was anywhere to be seen, "Are you alone here today?"

Lenalee shook her head and sighed, "Naw, I think Reever is in my brother's office right now. You know how they are trying to hide it, but it's obvious that they're going out." I let out a laugh and she put her hands on her hips, "It's not funny! I don't like it when my brother tries to hide things from me. Makes me want to barge into his office right now and catch them red handed."

"I think Komui would be scarred for life if you did that." I stated knowingly, "You know how sensitive he is when it comes to you."

"I know, I know. I suppose some things can't be helped." She shook her head with a small smile. An uneasy look came to her face, as she continued, "I wish my brother wouldn't be so hard on Lavi though… We've been dating for about two months, but he still doesn't trust him…"

I sneered. Komui had always been like that— overprotective and suspicious of everyone who came too close to her. I wished I would someday find someone who would be so devoted to protect me as Komui was to Lenalee.

Few teens walked in the café and Lenalee quickly served them their milkshakes. She looked different, in a good way. I supposed it must have been because of Lavi. She was genuinely happier than before and there was a certain twinkle in her eyes. I was happy for her, I really was… only looking at her reminded me of what it was like when Kanda was still with me.

"Oh yeah…" Lenalee leaned over the counter as the customers had gone and sat by a round table in the corner of the coffee shop, "How's the therapy going along? Any progress?"

I shrugged my shoulders. Actually Dr. Tiedoll had been a great help at first. But lately I had got the feeling that I wasn't progressing anywhere. Every now and then I would find myself having small blackouts, but they hardly affected my daily life any longer. Dr. Tiedoll had said that if we continued the therapy the way we did, I had good chances for full recovery.

But even though the seizures had ceased considerably, I sometimes found myself lying in my bathroom floor, my wrists cut and bleeding. It was as if the other me tried to remind me that he still existed. Sometimes I wondered if he, too, found it hard to live without Kanda.

"Yeah… we've progressed fairly well." I answered reassuringly, because I didn't want her to worry too much, "In fact, Dr. Tiedoll said that I should write down my feelings since the day my troubles started. It might help me sort out my feelings. And maybe I…" I swallowed hard.

"Maybe what?" Lenalee asked curiously.

_Maybe I could finally internalize that Kanda is truly gone, _I thought, but said jokingly out loud, "Maybe I should write a book."

"Hey, that's not a bad idea!" She clapped her hands cheerfully, "I would like to read it. It'd definitely help me figure out a thing or two about you."

I wasn't too thrilled by the idea. But I pretended to be excited for Lenalee's sake and faked a laugh, "Curiosity killed the cat, Lenalee. And besides, I think you know enough already. You might even know more than I do."

Lenalee became eerily quiet. She stared at me for a long time, before clearing her throat and picking up a rag and started to scrub the counter.

"Uhh, I didn't mean to offend you or anything…" I mumbled quickly. I didn't like the awkward turn of events.

"You still haven't heard anything from Kanda?" She inquired, her eyes never meeting mine. She kept scrubbing the counter furiously, as if it was infested with bacteria.

"I… no, I haven't." I replied, "Apparently he's moved away, since I haven't seen him around either."

She stopped polishing the already clean surface and let out a long sigh. I knew she wanted to say that she was sorry, because in the end, it was me who was left all alone. She wanted to say she was sorry since the things turned out good for her, but not for me. True, I was bitter, however it had nothing to do with Lenalee.

"It's been two months… I can't believe he'd do such a thing." Lenalee said. Somehow I got the feeling that she wasn't telling everything. But I didn't care any longer— it didn't matter where Kanda was by now.

"It's okay, really." I said with a smile, although the one I really tried to convince was myself. I wanted to believe that Kanda was never coming back. I didn't want to be deceived ever again.

"But, Allen…!" Lenalee let out a frustrated cry, as she noticed how I was starting to make my leave. She groaned and shook her head in distress, "He's an ass, I know, but I'm sure he would like to see you again!" When I turned around, she grabbed my hand and made me look at her, "Don't you even want to know where he is?"

"No." I stated before she could continue. I winced, as she pressed her fingertips against the cut wounds. I looked at her, trying my best not to look like I was in pain, "Whether he had someone else or he just didn't want me… I don't really want to know. What matters is that he is never coming back."

Lenalee let go off my hand, her own hand slowly falling back to her side. The wounds ached for a good while even after the grip had loosened. Lenalee seemed somewhat depressed, as I turned back around and started to walk away. I heard her let out a snort, before she yelled after me, "You're always like that, walking away after I say something that offends you…!" She paused, before she added, "I don't want to say this, but you're wrong on this one, Allen!"

I rolled my eyes. Maybe I was wrong, but it was all for self-defense. It was better to forget all about him than wait forever.

I gritted my teeth as I shoved open the doors and walked out of the coffee shop.

* * *

"Good day, Allen." Tiedoll said, as he sat down by his desk, "Do sit down."

I nodded my head as I sat down on a couch. I didn't really mind dragging myself to Tiedoll's office every other day, since he was a nice man. In two months, he had become less like a doctor to me and more like a friend or personal advisor.

"You look tired." He said, while absently organizing some papers on his desk.

"I didn't sleep well." I admitted, "I was thinking about something my friend said yesterday."

Tiedoll arched his eyebrow, "Oh." He fixed the position of his eyeglasses and smiled at me reassuringly, "They must've hit a sore spot then. Perhaps something about your runaway lover?"

"Yeah…" I ran my hand through my hair, as I once again recalled the things Lenalee had said the other day. She always became so serious when we talked about Kanda. And she was always on his side too. I sighed and gave Tiedoll a desperate look, "Sometimes I just feel like I'm not gonna make it… I want to forget him, but everything reminds me of him… maybe I should move away or something."

Tiedoll shrugged his shoulders, "That'd be a little irrational at this point." He smiled, as he tapped his fingers against his desk and looked at me, "And, hypothetically speaking, what if they came back?"

"No…" I shook my head tiredly, "Let's not even go there…"

"Alright." Tiedoll smiled, not wanting to stir up unpleasant conversation. Instead he changed the subject, "Have you thought about writing your feelings down as I proposed? It really might help."

"I know you're right." I nodded my head, "I used to write diary all the time. But after the entry written by the other me, I sort of became afraid to even open it. Diary is supposed to be private, but when _he_ wrote in it, it made me realize that no one is as alone as they think they are."

"But still, you are you. It's important that you know where to draw a line between you and the other personality in you. He's not the victim— you are." Tiedoll said. I wanted to ask him if he thought that the other me wanted to exist too, but as I saw his serious expression, I changed my mind. He looked me deep in my eyes and asked, "Have you had any seizures lately? Answer honestly now."

Yes, he also knew that I sometimes lied about my seizures. He wouldn't be treating me, if he didn't. I looked down at my wrists, hid in my long sleeved shirt, "…Well, there have been few. But it's nothing serious, right?"

Tiedoll's seriousness faded and he smiled again, "That's right. You'll probably still keep having small blackouts every now and then, but as longer they don't endanger your life, there is nothing to worry about. Keep eating your meds to keep it under control."

"Of course." I replied.

"So, then… an old friend of mine is in the city, so if you don't mind, we could call it a day already." Tiedoll cleared his throat, looking a little embarrassed, "I'm sorry, but he's been gone for a while and he has something important he wants to talk to me about."

I shook my head and stood up, "I don't mind, really. There's nothing new to talk about anyway."

"Don't say that." Tiedoll stood up as well and we shook hands, like we always did before I left, "You have always so much to tell that I'd be surprised if we someday run out of things to talk about."

I rolled my eyes and withdrew my hand, "You're spoiling me."

"I know, I know." Tiedoll laughed, as he walked me to his office's door and opened it for me. We quickly bid farewells, before he shut the door behind my back.

Tiedoll's office was part of a small private clinic. Treatment in places like these was expensive, but because of Kanda, I got discount. Even though I hated to take advantage of Kanda's contacts, I knew that it was the only option I had. After all, I did want my life back.

I walked out of the clinic and blended into the crowd, which was moving slowly toward the downtown. I pulled my hood up, as I realized that mixture of water and snow was pouring down from the sky. It was already winter, so the air was chilly, but refreshing.

As my eyes aimlessly drifted along a row of cars parked next to the pavement, my eyes abruptly landed on a familiar black car. I blinked my eyes and kept staring at it. _Kanda_, was the first thing that occurred to me. My feet stopped moving as I gazed at the vehicle, feeling odd sensation of nostalgia sweep over me.

But then I shook my head and let out an abrupt laugh. There were millions of cars on Earth. It was stupid to freak out every time I saw a black car. Seriously, this was already the fourth time this week. I was so upset that I didn't even bother to check the car's number plate and make sure that it certainly _wasn't_ Kanda's car.

I was frustrated, as I started to walk again. I needed to stop imagining things, since it was tiring me out. I kept repeating it all over and over in my head— _Kanda is never coming back._ But the stubborn illogical part of my brain wouldn't believe it.

Maybe one day, I would get over him.

* * *

I stepped into my apartment. I hated it here more than ever.

I dropped my back next to my bed, as I lied down and glanced up at the ceiling. I still needed to clean up the bathroom after the other day's mess. Luckily I didn't get any visitors these days.

It was only me and the empty apartment. It wasn't my home, not even close.

I reached out to my nightstand and grabbed an old newspaper. It was more than ten years old and the paper was already faded and part of the text had become unreadable. Dr. Tiedoll had given it to me, figuring that it might be of some help to me.

There was an article, underlined with red ballpoint pen by Tiedoll. It was about Mana's murder during the show and how the circus' owner Millenium Earl had purposely burned him alive on the stage to 'lighten up the mood'. There was also a tiny picture of Mana next to the text and underneath it read, _Pierrot Mana Walker was arguably the biggest star of the circus_.

I stared at Mana's picture and examined the longing look on his face. Before I had had no picture of him and I had almost forgotten what his face looked like. But this was as if one step closer to home, since after all, home is where the heart is.

I let the newspaper drop on top of my stomach as my grip on it loosened. The ceiling was as blank as my mind at that moment. At least this place gave me some place where I could be at ease.

Suddenly the doorbell rang several times, followed by series of loud knocks. I refused to stand up at first, but as the knocking grew more violent, I forced to get up on my feet before someone would break through my door.

"I'm coming…!" I yelled as I walked through my small apartment. If it was Lavi again, I swore to myself to not let him in if he was dead drunk again. But for some reason I quickened my pace and felt eager to open the door.

The knocking stopped as I stood in front of the door. I put my hand on the doorknob, but for some reason I became hesitant. But before I could get too tangled in my thoughts, I pushed down the doorknob and opened the door.

And there _he_ was, standing like he had never been away. He had his hands in his jeans' pockets and he was staring down at me.

We stared at each other, his eyes reflecting somewhat empty look. He was thinner and slightly paler than before, but he was still as strikingly beautiful as ever. The sight of him twisted my guts and tore up all the mental wounds, which had just started to heal.

There was no way I was ready to face him. Not now—not ever.

"Y-you…!" My eyes widened and I started to pull the door close, but Kanda stopped me by placing his hand in between the door and the doorframe.

Without saying a word, he pulled to door back open and stepped inside, forcing me to step back. He shut the door behind him and then he just stood there, waiting for me to make my next move.

I felt anger build up inside of me. He had no right to barge right back into my life like that after being away for months. There was no explanation that could ever make up for all that.

I took a daring step forward, indignantly gazing in his eyes, which were black and dull. I raised my hand to hit him or even slap him, but I stopped before my hand could connect with his face. I inhaled a deep breath and instead of becoming violent, I turned around and gritted my teeth, "Eight weeks, two days and seven hours."

Kanda breathed heavily behind me, but didn't say anything. His silence made me even angrier and I balled my fists. I had never ever wanted to see him again, but yet I couldn't even hit him when I had the chance. I wanted to let out all of my bottled up hatred on him, but I found myself staring at the wall, my eyes becoming damp.

"I don't want to see your face ever again…" I whispered timidly, because that was all that came out of my mouth.

Suddenly Kanda grabbed my arm and spun me back around. I let out a surprised gasp as my face collided with his chest. His breathing sounded laborious and his heart was beating rapidly. I stood there unmoving, his familiar touch relieving me and suddenly everything else lost their importance.

He was here again, whether I wanted it or not.

"I… I missed you." Kanda said, even though I knew that it was hard for him to say such things. His hands around me were begging for me to return the embrace, but instead I placed my hands against his chest, at first intending to push him away, but I ended up clutching on his shirt and bringing him even closer.

_I missed you too_, I thought, but refused to say it out loud.

"I knew it would eventually come down to this. But for some reason—…" He was interrupted by violent coughs, which came deep down his throat. He pressed against me a little harder and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, "—I thought that it was only a small thing I could get over by going cold turkey…"

"What are you…" I asked, finding it slightly hard to breath, as he pulled me against his chest.

"My doctor warned me long time ago that I had a risk of gettin' cancer if I kept on living unhealthily…" His dry lips moved against my neck's bare skin as he spoke. His hands ran up and down my arms in a reassuring manner, "But I thought that they only wanted me to quit smoking. I never thought that I'd actually—…"

"Kanda…" I blinked my eyes, the pressure building up behind my eyes. Everything was a little blurred at that moment. I didn't want to hear anymore. I had never wanted to see him again, "… Stop it, Kanda…"

Kanda stopped breathing for a moment. Part of me wished that I was only hallucinating— or dreaming, but as felt the fabric of Kanda's shirt under my fingertips and few strands of his long black hair tickling my face, I knew that it all was true.

"Why did you come back?" I asked and grasped on his shirt desperately. Even if I could never forgive him, I needed to know.

"I wanted to stay away…" Kanda held me tighter, "…But I needed to see you one more time…"

I pressed my eyes shut, as tears were about to roll down my face, "You're leaving—…"

"Cancer."

At first I didn't understand. He had been gone for so long after all so I couldn't understand what was going on. I took a little distance between us and looked up at him. As I took a closer look at him, I realized how tired he looked. He was breathing so heavily and his skin was so hot that it seemed like he had been running thousand miles.

"What did you say?" I asked unsurely, as I touched his cheek. Maybe after all I hadn't been the only one who has been suffering.

Kanda leaned down and pressed an innocent kiss on my forehead. Then he pulled me against him again so that the only thing I could see was his white shirt.

"Allen…" He breathed out heavily, "…_I'm going to die_."

I snapped. I pushed Kanda away and practically shoved him against the wall. I knew he could have fought back, but instead he let me press him against the surface behind him. I had my hands on his shoulders, as I shook him and screamed, "After two fucking months, you thought I needed to know that?!"

His expression remained blank and he looked at me with his hollow eyes. I couldn't believe I had loved this man. I couldn't believe _I was still in love with him_.

I let out a small sob as I stopped shaking him and took a step back. I couldn't look at him when I started to breakdown right before his eyes. I pressed my hand on my mouth, because I was afraid to let him know how I felt.

"I suppose you already thought I was dead." Kanda mumbled. He sounded hurt, even though it had been him who had said not to wait for him. He sighed and tried to approach me, but I quickly backed away. He refused to give up and grabbed my wrist. Even though he didn't hold that hard, I let out a yelp of pain when his fingertips dug against the cut wounds.

"L-let go!" I squirmed to free myself, but he had already noticed my weird behavior. He yanked me closer and pulled up my sleeve to reveal heavily bandaged wrists. I finally managed to draw my hand back and I quickly muttered, "…I-It's not what you think…"

"I visited Tiedoll today." He said solemnly, "He said that you were doing alright." He bit his lip and seemed to become angry, "Fuck… I thought that he if anyone could look after you…"

I shook my head, "It's not his fault! In fact it's…" I stopped before I could finish, because I didn't want to tell him that neither me nor the other me could live without him. I already looked pitiful enough in his eyes.

"I've done wrong, Allen." Kanda stated and placed his hand under my chin and lifted my head. He stared at me as if he had never seen me before— or more like as if this was the last time he would see me, "I've killed a man and done many ugly things. I suppose getting this cancer is merely a payback. But yet, worst of my sins is making you cry."

He brushed my tears aside with his thumb. I stood there paralyzed, as he leaned down and pressed his lips against mine. He put his hand on the back of my head and forced more pressure into our kiss, which slowly developed more and more passionate.

Eventually I had my arms around his neck and his tongue darted inside of my mouth. I arched my back when he leaned further down, biting and sucking on my lips. I wondered if our relationship really had to be like this. I wasn't even sure if the twisted bond between us could be called relationship. By now we had both done our share of mistakes, but our biggest mistake was to always return to each other.

It reminded me why I hadn't wanted to see Kanda again. When Kanda pulled his face away, I stepped back and quickly collected myself.

I would break free from the cycle of mistakes. I looked down at my feet and lifted my hand to point at the door, "…Please leave."

"Listen, I—…"

"Maybe it would've been better if you'd never come back." I spoke quietly, still not wanting to meet his eyes. This time the parting would be clear and absolute. _But he's dying_, my mind screamed at me, but I refused to listen.

"I just wanted to see you." Kanda's voice was shaking slightly, as he moved toward the door. His coughing made me feel guilty, but I didn't want to change my mind. I heard the door open and Kanda murmured quietly before leaving, "They're going to operate me tomorrow afternoon. They say that my changes of surviving the operation are low, but my doctor's still willing to do it."

When he was out the door, I almost yelled him to come back, but I was able to press my lips in a tight line.

I closed my eyes and pressed my back against the wall. I tried to think of something other than Kanda to lighten up my mood, but the mental traffic in my head had ceased to exist. There was nothing running through my mind, like there usually was. The only actual thing I could think of was the fact that there was nothing to think.

I had driven away the biggest problem in my life, but yet I hadn't reached any sort of solution. The ache in my heart remained, more powerful than ever, and on top of that I felt guilty for turning Kanda down.

My feet worked on their own and carried me to my room and let me fall on my bed. I hid my face in my pillows, imagining Kanda's arms around me and his lips on mine. I wanted to fall out of love so badly, but I kept holding on every memory of Kanda. I wasn't sure whether the feeling was mutual or had Kanda lied about his feelings too.

But what if Kanda actually died? Is there anyone who would miss him? I hadn't heard of his relatives and the only one he relatively seemed to like was Tiedoll. Would I be the only one to cry in his funerals? How could I live knowing that he was gone forever?

I felt like throwing up as I even thought of Kanda and funerals in the same sentence. I still couldn't internalize the possibility that Kanda might actually die. I didn't want to believe something such as that could ever happen.

Kanda was Kanda. He was probably only exaggerating.

But yet, I was overwhelmed by fear and sorrow.

* * *

The next morning I sat by my table staring at a clock on the wall. It was still before midday, but it felt as if parts of me died each time the hands of clock moved. It was as if the damn device was ticking forward just to annoy me.

I took a sip of the cardamom coffee I had made myself— I had started to like cardamom-flavored coffee somewhere along the way. I supposed it was mostly because Kanda used to drink it all the time and it reminded me of what Kanda tasted like.

I fixed my eyes at the wall next to the clock. I had had an uneasy feeling the whole morning. It was as if there was a shadow hanging over my mind, following me wherever I went and growing larger and stronger each passing moment. And I had a pretty good idea what was causing it.

"Kanda…" I sighed out loud and ran my hand through my white hair. He was on my mind all the time. And every time I thought about him, I got a mental image of him lying on a hospital bed, looking weak and pale. I knew that he would be operated in the afternoon, but that was all I knew. He had never even told me what kind of cancer he had, but I supposed that it was something in his lungs.

The thought was tearing me apart. It kept tugging and pulling me in different directions, making me measure between millions of options.

In the end I couldn't take it anymore. Kanda has been an ass, since he had been away for so long, but _I_ needed to see him. I needed to make sure that he would be alright, so that I could keep reminding him of the mistakes he had done for the rest of his life.

For once I was able to get myself ready in less than five minutes. I couldn't believe how stubborn I had been last night. I could've let Kanda stay a little longer, but because of my want to forget him, I had driven him away.

After I got out of my apartment, I ran faster than I had ever before.

* * *

"Kanda Yu…!" I slammed my palms against the counter and startled the lady behind it, "Where is Kanda Yu?!"

"I-I'm sorry sir, could I have your name?" The lady asked timidly, "Are you a relative or…?"

I shook my head, feeling frustrated. I knew that it was against their policies to let every stranger meet the patients, but I wasn't able to think rationally, "I'm his… I'm his friend…!"

"I'm sorry b-but…" She stammered, trying to calm me down. As she was about to continue, Bak appeared behind her and placed his hand on her shoulder.

"That's alright." He said and turned to look at me. He frowned deeply, "Normally I don't tolerate harassment of my employees, but I never play by the rules with you. And I'm sure that there's someone you'd love to meet."

"Y-yes!" I gasped, "Please, take me to him!"

Bak nodded his head and patted the secretary's shoulder one more time before showing me the way to Kanda's room. I wanted to ask Bak if he knew anything about Kanda's condition, but I was too afraid that I would hear bad news. I didn't want to prepare myself for the worst.

"You know, Walker," Bak said, as we walked up the stairs and down a corridor, "I don't want to brag, but without me they probably wouldn't have even tried to operate that man. But I've heard that he means a lot to you, so I didn't want to stand and do nothing." He stopped walking in front of one of the doors, but before he let me enter, he asked, "Do you understand what I mean?"

I swallowed hard, "…It means that… Kanda might not make it."

"That's right." Bak said and when I tried to walk past him, he pressed his hand against the door, "Hold on, Walker."

"I'm grateful and all, but I really need to see him…!" I was starting to get impatient.

"I've also heard that he's hurt you a lot. He's done things _I_ would never dream of doing." He said, somewhat bitterly, "But do you still love him?"

I stared at him for a moment, trying to identify what exactly he was after. Maybe he was still harboring his feelings for me, but I knew that I could never love him. I loved Kanda. Therefore I smiled widely and answered, "I _love_ Kanda Yu."

Bak sighed, but smiled as well as he opened the door for me, "As I expected. You're a huge mystery to me, Allen Walker."

I strode into Kanda's room, and suddenly it all came crashing down. He stood in front of a window and coughed, his back facing me, but his whole appearance radiated death. He was clad in white, like all of the patients in the hospital, which made him look like he was waiting for death to come.

"K-Kanda—…"

"It's very beautiful here." Kanda cut me off, as if he had known that I was standing behind him. He kept his eyes locked at the scenery outside the window, "It's been so warm because of that global warming shit that I thought that it wouldn't snow at all this year."

I walked closer to him and the window and noticed flakes of snow falling down from the sky. It must have started only a moment ago, since it hadn't been snowing when I ran to the hospital.

When I stood next to Kanda and stared at the view to the hospital's backyard. I saw how the white flakes slowly fell to the gray ground and painted the yard white. I sighed, "It's so peaceful…"

"It's like you." Kanda said suddenly. I turned to look at him and arched my eyebrow, doubting that I was the most 'peaceful' type. He let out a small laugh, "You're like the first snow— you never know when it'll come around and how long it will last, but you will wait for it, 'cause you know how beautiful it is. But then there's the global warming…"

I rolled my eyes and shrugged my shoulders, "To be honest, I think that definition suits you better than me."

"Tch." Kanda smirked and turned to face me. He brushed his fingertips against the back of my hand gently, "I didn't want you to see me like this. I'm sorry I never told you. But lately, I've started to think that maybe it's good for me to di—…"

I slammed my palm against his mouth. My shoulders started to tremble and I bit my bottom lip in order to keep my emotions in check. I inhaled a deep breath and looked up at Kanda, "Don't you ever think how I might feel? What if I said that… that I'd cry… if you… passed away…"

Kanda blinked his eyes, looking surprised. Then he removed my hand from his lips and I saw a smile on his face. It was a smile I had never before seen— it was true and came from the bottom of his heart. I felt my knees become weak, but luckily he placed his hands on my waist.

"We're both so messed up." Kanda said, like he had said many times before, "Neither one of us is ready to face the truth. Even I don't want to think that this' the end."

His face drew closer and I slowly raised myself on my toes, but then the door of Kanda's room suddenly opened and several nurses barged in.

"It's time." The nurses said, undisturbed by what they had almost witnessed.

The time froze for a moment. I gazed at Kanda, trying to memorize every bit of his face. I tried to convince myself that this wasn't the last time I saw him. I would see him after the surgery and we would finally be able to live our lives together.

Kanda stepped away and smiled at me. I wanted to close the distance between us quickly and embrace him, but as the nurses ushered him on the bed, I had no time to do anything.

"K-Kanda…" I mumbled quietly, as I watched the nurses to take Kanda away. They were pushing the wheeled bed out of the room when I ran after them, "W-wait! Don't take him away…!"

The nurses stopped for a moment as they entered the corridor. They stared at me in displeased manner, but I didn't care as I ran to Kanda's side. I looked down at him, as he lied on the bed and I grabbed his hand.

"It's okay, _beansprout_." Kanda said, as he noticed how my bottom lip was trembling. He reached out his other hand and toyed with a strand of my hair, "I forgot the mention that you're so beautiful."

I let out a surprised gasp and my hold on his hand loosened for a brief moment. The nurses decided to continue walking, this time their pace was faster, as if in order to chase me away. I was momentarily in shock, but as soon as I recovered, I ran after them.

"D-don't you dare to leave me…!" I yelled, as I managed to catch up with them once again. Somewhere along the way tears had started to pour down from my eyes and it became harder to see every little detail in Kanda's face.

But I remembered his smile, when he was taken to the operation room and I was pulled aside. The nurses around me kept telling me that everything was going to be alright.

The sympathetic voices, the bright white light, they all made my head spun. My thoughts became fleeting and my whole body trembled. Everyone around me must have thought that I had become insane— which I most likely had.

As I felt sanity escaping my mind, I screamed,

"_**Yu**_!"

-

"_Wow." Kanda rolled over and brought me on top of his chest. He caressed my hair lovingly, "I'll sure remember this forever."_

"_You'd better_."

* * *

Author's ending notes: **this is still not the last chapter**, so don't throw your towels in just yet. Stay tuned for the epilogue :)


	16. Final Conclusion:Allen Walker & Kanda Yu

**S**plitting **S**ky

**F**inal **C**onclusion:

Allen Walker and Kanda Yu

* * *

_"Why do people die?"Allen held Mana's hand as they stared at a tombstone, which was on the backyard of Allen's old home. The touch of long, wet grass against Allen's bare ankles reminded him of all the times he used to romp in the grass, while smell of fertilizer tickled his nose._

_But those times were over now. This would be his last visit to the place._

"_People die for the same reason that babies are born. Someone, somewhere makes a choice that will affect everyone's lives. For instance, when a child is born, two people for some reason make a choice to start a new life. And as for your parents, it was a wrong kind of choice made by a drunken driver to end their lives."_

"_But… it isn't fair." Allen bit his lip, "They didn't choose to die."_

"_Allen…" Mana sighed and kneeled down next to the teary-eyed boy. He took a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped Allen's face gently, "Whenever someone does something bad, it will ultimately bring happiness to someone."_

_Allen gulped, trying to seem mature despite his young age. Mana smiled vaguely._

"_One day, you will understand."_

* * *

_Dear diary (and Tiedoll)._

_I'm sending this diary to you, because I think this is the only way you could ever fully understand me. Everything anyone ever needs to know is written in between these covers. As I was writing everything down as precisely as I could, I tried to be honest with myself. And in a way, I suppose I found a way out with the help of my other self. I'm starting to feel that my past is not mine any longer, but merely a part of a bigger picture that is shared by everyone, everywhere._

_Even though I've packed my bags and left without a better notice than this, we are all connected. This might sound insane, but whether you're dead or alive, your actions will have an impact far longer into the future than you'll ever imagine. Mana's death triggered a chain of events that eventually lead us to this point._

_Kanda and I were merely trapped in the unfortunate rat race, sprung to life by Mana and Earl. But today, I'll break free from that rat race, not only for my own sake, but for Kanda too. I will live the life we struggled so hard for… I'll live our life and that way we won't be too far apart from each other, even if I can never be with him again._

_And that thought is… very comforting. It makes me feel safe, no matter where this road may take me. From this day on my home will be anywhere I am._

_If you may, I would appreciate it if you showed this letter to Lenalee Lee as well. Please let her read the diary too._

_Thank you for everything. Good-bye._

_-Allen Walker_

-

* * *

-

_One year later_…

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the _Writer's Blog_! Tonight we have a very special guest— a man who just recently published a novel that was written by a young man who went missing last year. Please welcome, Kanda Yu…!"

The applause was thundering, as Kanda stepped into the stage, momentarily blinded by the spotlight. He paced to the beautiful hostess and shook her outstretched hand, before sitting down on a leather armchair. He tried to look unstressed, but he couldn't chase away the uncomfortable feeling.

"Good evening." The hostess said, "It's pleasure to have you here. You're known for refusing to give interviews."

"Tsk, wonder why…" Kanda muttered, as he tried to loosen the tie around his neck a little.

The woman gave him a weird look, but professionally kept smiling, "So, the writer of _Splitting Sky_ went missing last winter. The word is that around that time you were in coma with only slight chances of ever waking up. But here you are now, so we haven't completely run out of miracles, have we?"

"It's no miracle, simply plain luck. I haven't decided whether it's awful or awfully good luck that's given to me." Kanda stated frankly, "Being knocked out for six months really messes up your life."

"I can only imagine." She batted her long eyelids and touched Kanda's arm, trying to show some sympathy. Kanda merely rolled his eyes and shrugged her hand away. She didn't seem to mind, as she continued with her questionnaire, "Let's talk about the book to lighten up the mood. Splitting Sky tells a story of _Alan Stand_, a man with dissociative identity disorder, which means that he has split personalities.

"There are many controversial issues that are handled in the book, for example homosexuality, abuse and murder. It is highly debated whether the writer simply wants to draw attention with these themes or is there a specific reason? It is also speculated whether the story is based on a true event or is it just a work of fiction. Do you have anything to say on this matter?"

Kanda shifted to a more comfortable position in his chair, "Those are some big words you have there." The hostess frowned, but motioned Kanda to continue anyway, "Frankly, I don't understand this baloney about controversial issues and whatnot. Nowadays drastic measures are needed to get the message across."

"Uh… I suppose everyone needs to push their borders to achieve something original…" She nodded her head vaguely, "…But disappearance of the author indicates that there might be something that they don't want to tell us."

Kanda stayed silent for a moment, measuring his choices.

"Tsk. Now, if the author disappears after writing a book, does that necessary mean the story's based on a true event? No. But that's a good opportunity for curious smart-asses like you to start magnify things. This story is no more real than Harry Potter is. Scratch that, this is even _less_ real than Harry Potter and his magical adventures combined."

The audience fell in dead silence, while the hostess kept opening and closing her mouth dumbly.

Kanda ran his hand through his hair and let out a frustrated sigh, "Look, maybe the author wasn't ready to come out to the public after writing something like this. I just finished the job, hoping to accomplish something by doing so."

"A-accomplish what?"

"To show that I haven't given up yet. _This_ is my drastic measure to get the message across to someone, who disappeared from my life while I was away." Kanda said, as he stood up and straightened his black suit. He took a picture out of his pocket and showed it to the audience, before giving it to the hostess, "If you see this man, tell him that I'm looking for him."

"Who's this…?" The woman asked and stared at the picture of a white-haired man, "…C-could this be the author…?"

"Let's make a deal— if you find him, you can ask him. Otherwise, I'm not telling you anything." Kanda turned around and pushed his hands deep into his pant's pockets, "That is all I have to say. Thank you for the interview, it was just as pointless as I expected."

The audience hesitantly started to clap their hands together, as Kanda walked across the stage and eventually disappeared behind a curtain.

* * *

_The mechanical sound of ventilator was the only thing that could be heard in the hospital room. The room was as if sealed away from the outside world— the time's flow seemed nonexistent._

_Allen sat there by a lone hospital bed. He didn't know how long it had been going on, days, weeks, maybe months. It was hard to tell, since every day in the hospital looked exactly the same. But lately, he couldn't even bring himself to care what was going on around him._

_He was staring at the dark-haired man, lying absolutely still on the bed. Kanda had not opened his eyes after the surgery. But he was still alive, or that's what the doctor had said, even though it seemed to Allen that there was a machine breathing air into Kanda's lungs, while the man remained lifeless. In Allen's opinion, it wasn't life._

_Allen moved his hand on top of Kanda's. The other one's skin wasn't warm, but it wasn't cold either. And he was breathtakingly beautiful, even on the brink of death. _

_He withdrew his hand, as if it was burned. He was tired of watching his loved ones die. First Mana… and now Kanda…? This was simply too much for him to handle. He gripped his hair and let out a pained sob._

_But suddenly his mood and whole appearance changed. He lifted his head and suddenly he didn't look a thing like Allen. His eyes were now full of hatred, as he stared at Kanda, "Now, look what you've done, Kanda Yu. I told you that you wouldn't be able to save Allen."_

_He stood up and grabbed his coat from the floor. His posture was more confident than usually— it was not Allen's posture._

"_Allen… Now you understand what I've always meant. No one else but me can love you." He spoke quietly, as he turned slowly around and stared at the door. A crooked smile appeared on his lips, as he took slow but steady steps toward the door, "It's always been only you and me. Everyone else is so… temporary."_

_And so he walked out the door._

* * *

Kanda grunted as he walked out of the studio. Going to an interview had sounded like a good idea, especially since the show was shown almost all over the world, but it still had left Kanda sour and grumpy. Instead of being a step closer to his goal, he felt he had took few steps back.

With a grunt, Kanda put a cigarette in between his lips and was about to light it. But as he pulled the lighter out of his pocket he stopped in his tracks. With a sigh he spat the unlit tobacco to the ground and stepped on it, "What the heck am I doing… I just got out of the hospital…"

He tossed the whole box of cigarettes to a nearest trash bin, before he continued to walk down the street. It was getting dark, but not dark enough for the streetlights to flicker on.

Few months ago he had waken up from the coma. For two long months he had been looking for Allen to no avail. He was getting tired of running in circles, going to places where Allen might be or where someone might have seen him. He could only hope that Allen watched enough TV to see his interview in Writer's Blog and after seeing it, he would contact him.

But even if his search was like looking for a needle in a haystack, he couldn't stop. Allen was the reason he had chosen to try and live, when he had been convinced that the world was an evil, corrupted place with no good left in it. It could have been because of choice of career, since being a psychotherapist was truly mind wrecking— it made you realize how dark the human nature truly is.

But Allen was different… even with a dark past, Kanda couldn't understand how he could radiate such warmth and compassion. He was so often misused and too often taken for granted, but he used to never give up, so why should Kanda throw the towel in either?

"Kanda…!"

Kanda turned around to see Tiedoll running his way. He snorted, "Oh, it's you, old man."

Tiedoll tried to catch his breath when he reached Kanda. He wiped his sweaty forehead and unbuttoned few of his jacket's buttons, "I was sitting in the audience, watching the interview. You did pretty well, I think, it's good you made it clear that the story is completely fictive, even though it's not."

"Nobody needs to know that. This world's full of hypocrites, only wanting something to gossip about." Kanda stared at Tiedoll, waiting for him to steady his breath, "Though I think that people will still start to talk loads of crap 'cause of that book. Even though we changed everyone's names in it, they'll still start to speculate and next it'll be all over the gossip magazines."

"But for now, let's just hope that your publicity brings us closer to Allen." Tiedoll gestured them to continue walking, "If he really wants to be found, he will search for us too. Up until now, he might've thought that you're still in coma."

"Exactly. It's not like I went to the interview just for the hell of it." Kanda muttered darkly, "Funny though, this is just something I could imagine Allen would do—disappearing without a trace. He intentionally keeps complicating things, until it literally drives him crazy. That stupid idiot…"

Tiedoll laughed, "That's our Allen alright."

They paced slowly in silence. Kanda fingered the lighter in his pocket, anxiously glancing his surroundings, half-heartedly wishing he would catch a glimpse of a familiar white-haired man. He was desperate, but Allen left little choice.

Eventually they reached their hotel, which was conveniently offered by the same company that hosted the interview.

"Kanda…" Tiedoll said, when they were about to enter the building through sliding doors, "…I hate to bring this up, but I don't want you to get your hopes too up. If nothing happens, maybe we should consult the police and make sure that he's not—…"

"Stop it. He is _not_ dead." Kanda snarled, giving an ominous glare to Tiedoll, "Beansprout isn't like that. Not only he's a goddamned idiot, but he's also persistent. Don't you ever dare to question that."

"_Kanda_…"

"Shut up. Good night." Kanda picked up his pace and didn't bother to wait when the other one repeatedly called out his name.

* * *

_Allen wasn't sure what he was doing. Earlier that day he had left a message to Tiedoll— telling him that he would be leaving and left his diary with him. It had felt like it was the only option left for him. By leaving everything behind, including his memories in a form of a diary, he was finally free._

_The train was moving fast and each mile left behind made Allen feel less uncomfortable, but a little bit more guilty. He knew that rather than thinking about how he left something very important behind, he should have been anxiously waiting for the life he was about to start. This wasn't a sad ending for him and Kanda. This was about doing what was right._

_…He wished he could someday learn to believe in such optimism._

_"Is this seat taken?"_

"_Uh…" Allen shook his head wearily, "No, it's not."_

_A man with long blond hair seated himself next to him. Allen tried to keep himself focused on the quickly passing scenery outside the window, but the man next to him wasn't going to leave him be,_

"_Where are you headed?"_

_Allen shrugged his shoulders and said, "Anywhere."_

"_Oh, I see. You're that kind of traveler too." The man hummed and tapped his fingers against the armrest in between his and Allen's seat, "The world is such a big place, though. Finding 'anywhere' might be hard if you have no idea where to look."_

"_Are you implying something?" Allen turned his head and looked at the man for the first time. First thing he noticed were two small moles right in the middle of his forehead, which were framed by his blond hair. His narrow eyes, the grumpy expression and hint of frown— it was all so much like Kanda. Allen's heart leaped to his throat, "Kan…?"_

"_Is something the matter?" The man said, the frown deceasing and a very subtle smile appeared on his lips._

"_N-no, I'm sorry. You just reminded me of someone I used to know." Allen shook his head. He offered his hand to him, "I'm Allen. Allen Walker. It's nice to meet you."_

"_Howard Link. And the pleasure's all mine."_

* * *

"Oh… oh, _god_…"

"Mhmm… I love you… Allen…"

Allen let out a deep moan, when the muscles around his groin tensed before the release. The man on top of him fell against him and as his whole body became relaxed, he untangled his feet around his companion's waist and breathed deeply.

"Link…" Allen mumbled tiredly and let out a laugh as the man kissed his shoulder, "Could you move a little? I can't breathe…"

"Oh, I'm sorry…" Link said, as he rolled to his side and let Allen lean his head against his chest and cuddle his smaller form against his side. After shifting and tugging at the bed sheets, they both found comfortable spot next to each other.

Allen fingered Link's long blond ponytail and sighed.

"Something wrong?" The blond man asked and gently stroked Allen's sweaty head, "Your sighing makes me feel uncomfortable…"

"I'm just content. And tired… you've got such vigor, I bet you could go all night long." Allen looked up at Link with a feeble smile. The older man laughed and pulled Allen completely on top of him, bringing his face close to his. Allen propped his weight on his elbows, "You have early morning tomorrow and lots of paperwork to do, right?"

"The papers can wait. But you on the other hand..." Link tugged Allen's head down and pressed their lips together. Allen smiled into the kiss, as the other one's hands roamed downward, tickling his ribs, "I was thinking that maybe I could take a day off and we could go somewhere…"

"Link…" Allen said cunningly in the midst of the kisses, "…It's already… 3 p.m. … and you know I'm not going anywhere. It's weekend soon anyway…"

"I know, I know. But can I at least leave the work a little earlier and take you out?"

Allen rolled his eyes, but let out an affirmative noise. With a victorious grin, Link let Allen lie down next to him again. He put his arm around Allen, as he reached out to grab something from the nightstand.

"What are you doing…?" Allen's question was followed by a yawn.

"I'm sorry, you know how I like to watch TV before falling asleep…" Link showed a remote controller he had picked up and gave Allen a inquiring look, "…Is it okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. I know you won't be able to sleep otherwise." Allen laughed and moved his head a little to the side so he could see the television at the end of the bed. The light radiating from the screen hurt his eyes, but as he stared at Link's quick channel skipping, his eyelids became heavy and he had hard time keeping them open.

When he was satisfied with the channel, Link put the remote controller away and proceeded to stroke Allen's head. The television was barely audible, but they were showing some literature talkshow, which didn't really interest Allen.

"Hey, did you know that this show is filmed near here? The studio is about few blocks away. I've never watched this before though…" Link said, while turning the volume up a little.

"_Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the Writer's Blog! Tonight we have a very special guest— a man who just recently published a novel that was written by a young man who went missing last year. Please welcome, Kanda Yu…!_"

Allen immediately sat up, forgetting all about his tiredness. His body reacted faster than his mind, because he had already crawled closer to the television before he could even realize what was happening.

"Oh my god." Allen breathed out.

Link sat up too, worriedly placing his hand on Allen's shoulder, "What's wrong, Allen? Is he someone you know?"

Allen's wide eyes didn't even blink, as he watched a tall, handsome, dark-haired man walk to the stage in the television. He watched as he shook hands with the hostess and they started to talk about something, Allen had no idea what.

_Kanda Yu_ was _alive_. And on top of that on television. The equation seemed absurd, not only because Kanda couldn't possibly be out of the hospital and especially not on TV.

"Allen… Allen…!"

Allen turned to look at Link, quickly putting a smile on his face, "Oh, that man… he just looks a little bit like you, doesn't he? I had to take a closer look to be sure..."

Link turned to look at the television and arched his eyebrow, "Are you comparing me to a random man on TV? You must be really tired."

"Yeah. I must be seeing things." _Kanda couldn't possibly be alive_. Allen swallowed and let out a bitter laugh, pretending embarrassment, "I'm being stupid again. I'm sorry, Link." He moved to the edge of the bed and wrapped a blanket around his naked waist, "…I'm gonna go get something to drink. You should go to sleep already."

"Allen." Link said his name demandingly, "You were dead tired few minutes ago. Come back to bed and I'll go get you a glass of water or something."

"That's okay, I'll be right back anyways."

Link let out a distressed grunt, as he, too, stood up and walked after Allen. They entered the kitchen, Allen wearing only a blanket, while Link had not even bothered to grab his morning gown.

"Hey, don't try to run away from me now. Look at me." Link commanded, though his voice remained soft. When Allen kept ignoring him, he grabbed him by his shoulder and spun him around, "Something is upsetting you. Can't you tell me what it is?"

Allen looked Link straight in the eyes, keeping his face as neutral as he could, "Link… How should I say this…" He turned back around and continued pouring orange juice to a glass, "…When we met in that train half a year ago… that day, I had left many things behind. You wouldn't understand…"

Link frowned deeply and shook his head. He looked tired and even though Allen couldn't see his face, he could sense the frustration radiating from him, "I hate it when you're like this. I wish I could predict when you turn from a lovely, beautiful person to secretive, seductive and cunning. It's almost as if… as if there was _two completely different personalities_ in you…"

Allen let out a small chuckle, even though his intention was not to sound sarcastic. Link didn't know how close to the truth he actually was.

"And now you find this funny?" Link asked bitterly.

"Kind of— I mean, no, that's not it… I mean… ugh, look, I'm sorry." Allen was facing Link again, feeling his heart throb painfully, as if he had been telling the worst lie ever told, "I'm serious with you. But there are many things I haven't told you yet."

Link took a step closer and gently cupped Allen's cheeks with his hands and leaned down, "If you only let me, we could both learn to know each other better. Let's put the past behind us…"

Allen bit his lip, as he placed his arms around Link's neck and hid his face under his jaw. The white-haired man tried to breath steadily, but his body started to tremble. _He was going at it again_— hurting someone only because he hoped he could be normal.

"Shh, it's okay. I'm right here…" Link hushed and gently rocked Allen back and forth.

Just when things were starting to get clearer and uncomplicated, just when Allen was about to start a normal life and normal relationship, an unreasonable thing like this was too much. The history was repeating itself and even though Allen had tried, he hadn't escaped the rat race.

In a way, he wished that Kanda had stayed away.

* * *

_Tiedoll was sitting his office, as the door opened and his secretary walked in. She walked to him and gave him a package, addressed to him._

"_This arrived this morning. It's from one of your patients, I thought it might be important." She smiled._

"_Hm?" Tiedoll took the letter, which was attached to the package, and regarded it, "From Walker? I hope it's not bad news, since he hasn't shown up to the therapy sessions after the incident with Kanda."_

"_Kanda?" The secretary repeated, "As in Kanda Yu? Your former colleague?"_

"_Yes. He's in coma."_

"_Oh. And how is Walker?"_

"…"

* * *

"I'll be going then." Link said, as he kissed Allen's forehead quickly, while buttoning his jacket, "Let's meet at the pub downtown after my shift ends, alright?"

Allen nodded his head and faked a sweet smile, "Yeah. See you there."

Link opened the front door, but before walking out, he turned around and stared at Allen for a good while. He then reached out to brush his fingertips against his cheek, "I'll be looking forward to it. Love you."

Allen held his breath, until Link was out and the door was closed behind him. When he could no longer hear Link's footsteps echo in the corridor behind the door, the walls started to collapse.

Everything he had created so far— the peace he had found within himself was shattering.

Allen balled his fist and punched the wall. He and Link had rented the place a month ago, hoping that they both could start anew here. It all had gone so well and he had already started to believe that he could build a new home here with Link.

But if this place had been his home, he shouldn't have felt terrible homesickness that was now swarming inside of him. He had tried not to look back and recollect any memories that might lead him to reminiscence Kanda. But all the thoughts were now surfacing, reminding him what kind of person he once was and what he could never achieve.

His head still spinning, he walked into the bathroom and opened the hatch of a medicine shelf. He reached out to the far end and pulled out a pillbox that was hidden behind other medicines.

Allen moved to the sink, as he opened the box he was holding and let a pill roll on his palm. He stared at it long and hard. He had been eating those pills for too long, but he knew that without their support he could never lead a _normal_ life.

But being normal didn't seem to help, since it had come down to this. He had thought that being normal meant that he didn't need to feel horrible any longer. That he could make his own decisions and the future wouldn't frighten him. But normality didn't make the problem go away. The past mistakes can't be corrected with medicine.

He put the finger in between his fingers and brought it closer to his face. If it was pointless, why did he keep trying? If he didn't do it for himself, did he do it for Link? For his friends? _For Kanda_…?

But what would Kanda even say if he found him now? Would he be mad at him, or would he try to sympathize? Allen couldn't tell. He wasn't sure if he even _wanted_ to know.

Just when the pill was close to his mouth, he spread his fingers and let the medicine fall down on the sink and down the drain. He poured cold water from the tap, to make sure that the pill was gone for sure. It was awfully simple to do, which made Allen wonder why he hadn't done it before.

Allen laughed, his voice cracking, "After all this time, you still need to come back and haunt me… Kanda Yu."

* * *

_Bak office's door slammed open and a group of panicking nurses burst in._

"_B-Bak!" One of the nurses exclaimed, "Kanda Yu— he's awake…!"_

_Bak, who had been in the middle of arranging old documents and files, stood up and frowned, "So suddenly? But… why are you all here?"_

"_He's out of his mind!" The same nurse said and motioned Bak to follow her, "Please come quickly, before anyone gets hurt!"_

_Bak hastily followed the nurses, as they led them to Kanda's room. Upon reaching their destination, Bak saw that other doctors and nurses were gathered in front of Kanda's room, readying sedatives and straps._

"_Let me through. And for god's sake, put those needles away, he just woke up from coma." Bak ordered, as he squeezed through the crowd and entered the room to see furious Kanda, sitting on the floor and trying to swat the psychiatrist with a food tray. He had retreated to one of the corners, his hospital gown partially falling down his shoulders and exposing his pale torso._

"_Where is _he?!_" The dark-haired man roared, while attempting to stand up, but his limbs were still numb after the coma. He was narrowing his eyes threateningly, "I want a phone call! Now!! I need to call Allen –fucking- Walker!!"_

"_Kanda." Bak stated firmly and took a step forward. The harassed psychiatrist on the other hand nodded his head to Bak, before gladly leaving the room._

"_Fuck, I told them to get Allen, not _you_!" Kanda bellowed, aimlessly swinging the food tray in the air, trying to keep Bak at bay._

_Bak frowned deeply, as he descended on his knees and shook his head, "Put the tray down, Kanda. You just woke up, you should still be in the bed."_

"_Well, you know what?! I don't fucking care!" Kanda grunted, but stopped waving the tray, "I'll ask one more time— where is Allen Walker?"_

"_You were in coma for ten months, Kanda…"_

"_Ten mon— wait, that's not what I wanted to know!" Kanda pressed his palm against his temple, a headache taking him by surprise, "Ugh, god… would someone just tell me where Allen is?"_

_Bak slowly moved closer to the disordered man, a troubled look on his face. He cleared his throat and tried to stay professionally calm, "Allen used to come here every day. He was always here, sitting by your bed and staring at you."_

"_And then…?" Kanda shifted a little, as Bak sat down next to him._

"_Nobody knew if you ever opened your eyes again. We didn't want to be to optimistic about your condition… but Allen didn't give up." Bak leaned his back against the wall and looked up at the ceiling, "He was down, but he still kept telling us not to lose hope. It should have been the other way around though… we are officials, but we thought we knew better than give him false hope."_

_Kanda's grip on the tray finally loosened and the metallic object fell on the ground. His indignation left him, leaving only a feeling of emptiness that twisted his guts, "…Ten months… I've been away for ten months…?" He turned his head toward Bak, "Allen… why isn't he here?_

_Bak shook his head, "One day, he just stopped coming here. No one has heard from him ever since. The police called off the search a while ago."_

_Kanda fell silent. His head was aching, as was the rest of his body._

"_I'm sorry… I could have stopped him…" Bak managed to say, even though he was gritting his teeth together to prevent unnecessary emotions to surface, "…No one knows whether he's dead or alive… The only thing he left behind was a letter addressed to Tiedoll, as well as his diary." Bak paused, waiting for Kanda to reply. But when there was nothing, he grunted, "…Say something."_

_Kanda opened his mouth slowly, "So… I waited ten months to wake up only to realize that the reason of my life has vanished." He gave Bak the emptiest look he had ever seen, _

"_Tell me, Bak, what is there left to say?"_

* * *

Later that day, Allen had picked his favorite clothes for the night he was going to spend with Link.

He was trying to recall the fastest route to the bar he promised to meet up with Link, but the forks in the road confused him to no end. He had even drawn a map on his palm, but he could no longer tell where he was, so the map was useless.

He took out his cell phone and considered phoning Link for help, but quickly changed his mind and put the phone away. He couldn't always rely on other people whenever he was in trouble.

He cursed mentally, as he tried to focus on the situation at hand, but his thoughts kept wandering back to Kanda.

He let out a frustrated growl and picked up his pace. Somehow he felt as if people were staring at him. Not in a way you would stare at a stranger either— it was as if they _recognized_ him. Chills ran down Allen's spine.

Feeling uneasy under the weird looks, he decided to exit the main street. He was relieved to see that the other street was quieter and only a street musician, playing a flute in front of a small café. But even he turned to look at Allen, a peculiar look on his face. And that was… awkward.

"Hey, lad!"

Allen stopped, as the musician spoke to him, putting his flute down on the ground and peered him with his tiny eyes. The white-haired man blinked his eyes, "Uh, yes…?"

"Erm, well, this might sound weird but," The street musician scratched the back of his neck, "Yesterday, there was this man on TV and he—…"

"I know. The publisher of that one book, right?" Allen cut the man off before he got too carried away, "I'm sorry, but if he found me now, I bet he'd be severely disappointed." Allen smiled and pulled out few coins from his coat's breast pocket, "Here, take these. It's not much, but hopefully it'll do something good."

The street musician took the coins and looked at Allen, surprised, "Thanks…? S'pose you don't wanna be found then…?"

"I wish it was that simple." Allen shook his head with a small laugh, "But I need to get going. It was nice talking to you and please keep up the good work."

Allen left the astounded musician behind, an odd feeling beginning to form in his head. He wasn't sure if he was being honest with himself at all, but then again, he didn't even know what he truly wanted. Living with Link was safe and steady— something Allen was sure Kanda could never offer.

Before long, Allen reached a bridge that stretched across a river, which was separating the city in two. He let out a sigh, wondering if he was walking to a completely wrong direction.

It was quiet on the bridge. There were no cars or passers-by to be seen or heard. Only a harsh wind, blowing from beneath the bridge was howling in Allen's ears, taunting him to look down at the slowly flowing current beneath him.

He stopped walking when he was approximately in the middle of the bridge. He pressed his hands on the thick, metallic railing and peeked over it, noticing how amazingly beautiful the dark river was in the night, when the city lights reflected on its surface. Allen wondered if the fall from up there would be lethal.

Suddenly a dreadful sensation spread from his head all the way down to his toes.

_Maybe I should have taken the pill_, was the last, frighteningly clear thought that flashed brightly in his mind.

His consciousness disappearing, his hands gripped the railing harder, as an unfamiliar glint appeared in Allen's eyes. His whole appearance changed and a hollow laugh echoed in the night, when _Allen_ hoisted his foot on the railing, slowly pulling himself up on his two feet on the metallic barrier.

"Allen, Allen, Allen… I wonder what kind of mess you've dragged yourself into this time?" He scolded and looked down at the water, "But it doesn't matter, because I'll do what you're too weak to pull off. It's like… putting a pet to sleep. You, too, would prefer eternal peace over this painful, rotten world, wouldn't you?"

"_**Allen**_!"

* * *

It was getting dark, but Kanda was far from giving up. He kept holding a picture of Allen in his hand, showing it to passers-by, hoping that someone might have seen him.

Tiedoll kept insisting that his methods were futile, but he couldn't think of anything else he could have done. Allen must be _somewhere_ and Kanda was going to find him, no matter what the cost. And when he found him, he would make him regret that he had left without a good notice.

His phone started to rang in his pocket, when he was about to approach a teenager, sitting by a grocery store. He cursed and pulled out his phone and answered it, knowing without checking that the caller must be Tiedoll, since no one else ever really called him those days, "What now?"

"_Hey, are you still out? I was thinking that maybe we could have a drink in this one cozy pub I found._"

"What for? I'm busy."

"_Kanda, we are leaving this city tomorrow. I think both of us deserve some time off, don't you think?_"

Kanda sighed and rolled his eyes, "…You know that I can't relax, even if I came there."

"_I know…_" Tiedoll sounded little disappointed, "_… I'm worried. This is not a good way to cope with your loss._"

"Fine, fine! I'm coming there… as long as you promise not to get all emotional on me. Text me the address." Kanda grunted, before ending the call and angrily put the phone away. He was tired of Tiedoll speaking about losses and stuff like that. Kanda hadn't _lost_ anything, there was something only temporarily missing.

Seconds later a text message arrived from Tiedoll. After taking a good look at the address he was sent, he headed for the pub, since he was becoming too tired to look for Allen anyway.

He strayed from the main street to a side street. There was a street musician sitting on the ground and playing flute. A slow, melancholic tune echoed in the street, as Kanda walked forward. Suddenly the music stopped and the man stood up, causing Kanda to look at him and frown.

"I-It's you! The man on TV!" The musician exclaimed.

"Tch. Get a life." Kanda muttered and kept walking.

"No, hold on…!" The man abandoned his flute on the ground, as he dashed after Kanda, "I don't usually watch TV, but I loved your book, _Splitting Sky_, thanks to it I finally had enough courage to break up with my girlfriend and come out of the closet. Therefore I just had to watch your interview, y'know?"

"…" Kanda gave him a skeptical look and shook his head tiredly, "I don't have time for this nonsense."

"But the man you're looking for… I saw _him_!!"

Kanda was nailed to the spot. He had faced pranks like this before— maybe this was merely another scam. He grabbed the man by his collar and threateningly looked into his eyes, "You'd better not be messing with me, punk…! Now, _where did he go_?!"

"Hey, hey, calm down! I'm telling you, I saw him just a little while ago! I don't know where he was headed, but he was headed toward the bridge." He answered, slightly terrified by the look he got from the other one.

Kanda let go off the man and his threatening expression changed to grateful, "Right. Take care."

"Uh, yeah. You're welcome." The baffled man replied, as Kanda began running.

Kanda's feet hit the ground rapidly, even as he reached the bridge. And he kept running, his lungs feeling like they were about to be torn apart.

Suddenly he came to a halt. His heart skipped a beat, as he saw a person climbing on top of the railing of the bridge. When he saw white hair flutter in the wind, there was no doubt about it.

"Allen…" Kanda breathed out, his voice trembling and barely audible. He encouraged his feet to move, faster and faster. Eventually he was mentally screaming at his body to move even faster, unable to think straight, as he saw Allen lean forward and stare down at the river below. Kanda opened his mouth and yelled as loudly as he could, "_**Allen**_!"

Allen winced and looked over his shoulder. And as Kanda came close enough, he realized that he wasn't _Allen_. His heart jolted.

A playful smile graced the white-haired man's lips, as he turned around, balancing himself on the thick railing. His eyes were clouded and the way he looked down at Kanda was very unlike Allen. A bitter laugh poured from his mouth, "Allen is not present at the moment."

"You sick fuck—!" Kanda balled his fists, ready to lunge forward and grab the man before he could fall down into the river.

"Stay back!" He commanded, taking a small step backward, demonstrating his seriousness, "At first, I thought that you were pretty smart guy. But in the end, you're just like all the rest. You can't save Allen."

Kanda gritted his teeth.

"My dear, only I can love him." _Allen_ spoke. He spread his arms and looked up at the black sky, "But alas, this is so ironic! I tried to find someone who could understand Allen— someone who could accept _us, _but all they ever wanted was to have their way with Allen…! So in the end, in order to save a life, you have to destroy it. This world is a horrible place, isn't it?"

"Who the fuck do you think you are? A god?!." Kanda asked spitefully, "Look, just because most of the human race is messed up in the head doesn't give you the right to judge all of them the same way."

The other one furrowed his eyebrows, "Like I said— you can't understand. True, you did both of us a favor by getting rid of Millenium Earl, but you still can't comprehend what it means to lose everything." Kanda tried to take unnoticeable steps forward, but _Allen_ in turn started to lean back, "Don't get me wrong, Kanda Yu. I'm not the bad guy and this is by no means a tragedy. This is simply an aided premature death of someone, who was too good for scumbags like you."

"Stop it…! You don't know what you're talking about!!"

"I know exactly what I'm talking about. People are evil— from the start it is always the good persons who get to suffer. Mana Walker, he was such a good person, giving Allen a place to live, a place to call _home_. But first there was Earl— that sick bastard with his twisted fantasies. Allen was still so young… he didn't need to see all that. But like I said, this world is no good for people like him. And then there is you, figuring that you could fix something. But you can't _fix_ madness."

Kanda closed his mouth and only stared at the man he had been searching for so long. He grimaced, "… Just… step down from the railing. This is completely unnecessary…"

"You can't save Allen Walker. I, too, should have understood that the game was lost the day Mana died."

Kanda's eyes widened, as he saw how the man on the railing took yet another step backward. Even if he leaped forward, he wasn't sure if he could catch him before he fell. Panic started to spread thorough his body, paralyzing him.

But suddenly the expression on Allen's face changed and the unnatural look in his eyes faded. He looked confused and shaken, like a child, who found himself lost in a big city.

"K-Kanda…" Allen spoke out the other one's name, "I… I'm so sorry…!"

As Kanda realized that the real Allen was in front of him now, he let out the breath he had been holding, "Don't you ever do that again…" He walked closer to Allen, his limbs still trembling.

"Kanda…!? Wait, what am I doing up here?!" Allen asked, when he realized he was standing on the railing. He took a step forward, "Oh god, I knew I should have taken the pi—…!!"

As Allen tried to step down from the railing, he accidentally leaned back and lost his balance. He tried to grasp onto something, but the river's gravity was violently pulling him down.

"Allen!!" Kanda leaped and reached out his hand to grab Allen, but his fingertips barely brushed against his ankle, as he fell towards the river. Kanda leaned over the railing, "_Allen_!!"

Allen shouted and closed his eyes. He was falling headfirst, slicing the cold air that ruthlessly hit his cheeks. For a moment the only thing he could hear was the deafeningly loud sound of air current, which even drowned his screaming voice.

The fall seemed to last forever, as if Allen would never reach the river. But then, suddenly the air was knocked out of his lungs, as he pierced the surface and sank deep into the dark water. His head felt dizzy after the hard plummet and his wet clothes only pulled him further down. He tried not to swallow the water in his mouth, as he tried to swim toward the dim lights that were shining through the surface.

Kanda kept shouting out Allen's name, as he stared at the river, horrified. He took off his coat and threw it on the ground, before climbing on the railing and jumping down after Allen.

Before he hit the water, Kanda inhaled a deep breath and readied himself for the impact. When he was underwater, he blinked his eyes open and frantically searched for Allen with his eyes.

Upon spotting Allen, who was struggling to get up, he swam deeper until he was able to grasp Allen's hand.

Allen looked up at Kanda, the lack of oxygen already making his head spin. He leaned flaccidly against the other one, as Kanda took off his coat to make it easier to pull both of them up.

Kanda, too, started to feel light-headed when he put his arm around Allen and started to swim back up. For a moment, he was sure that he wasn't going to make it— that both of them were going to die in a goddamn river in a middle of a city.

But eventually they broke surface, coughing and gasping for air. Allen spat out water, trying to keep his head above the water.

"You… you _fucking_ moron…!" Kanda cursed, as he put his arm around Allen's waist, supporting him, "Do you have any idea what the hell just happened?! You could've _died_, beansprout!!"

Allen cleared his throat, still out of breath, "You shouldn't have followed me! I was fine by myself…!"

"Yeah, real fine!! Look, from that height, the fall could've been deadly! Thank god you had enough sense in your pretty, but awfully dumb, head to dive headfirst and not stomach-first, or else the gulls could be feeding on your guts."

"Excuse me?! I'm not stupid!" Allen cried out, choosing not to mention that his headfirst fall was mostly accidental, "A-anyway! We should get to the shore before we freeze to death."

Kanda nodded his head, letting go off Allen and starting to swim toward the beach, "You just wait till we get there— I'm so going to kill you."

They swam in silence, Allen little ways behind. Kanda looked over his shoulder every now and then to make sure that the other one was still alright and following him.

Allen stared at the back of Kanda's head. He wondered what he should say to him once they got to the shore. It felt like he was falling in love all over again, even despite his logical reasoning. He knew that he shouldn't be so happy to see Kanda again, but he couldn't help the pure happiness that was growing inside of him.

The shore grew closer, making Allen more determined to reach it. His movements became faster and he easily came side by side with Kanda. He looked at him with a wide smile, "I'll race you!"

"Wha— hey, wait beansprout!" Kanda sounded surprised when Allen gained even more speed. He let out a chuckle and started swimming faster as well.

When Allen's feet touched the bottom, he began wading fast to the shoreline. He could hear Kanda right behind him, which only encouraged him to keep going.

"Ha, I won…!" Allen laughed, as he stepped out of the water. He turned around just in time to see Kanda right behind him, before the dark-haired man tackled him on the hard sand, drawing a surprised yelp from Allen.

Kanda wrapped his arms around Allen and held him close, as they lied on the sand. Their soaked clothes were glued to their skin and the warmth evaporated from their bodies. Allen put his hands on the small of Kanda's back, his face buried in the crook of Kanda's neck.

Allen's breath hitched in his throat, as he Kanda tangled his hand in his hair, "…You found me."

"I won't ever let you out of my sight again." A small smirk gradually found its way on Kanda's lips, "But damn, lost or found, you're still a handful of troubles. I even had to publish your diary to find you."

"Kand—…" Allen started dreamily, but as he internalized what Kanda had just said, he furrowed his eyebrows and raised his voice, "You did _what_?! I never even thought that _you_ would be able to read it, let alone the whole world…! Is that why you were on that stupid show last night?!"

"Well, I wouldn't've done that if you hadn't had that brilliant idea to disappear while I was in coma! And _yes_, I read your diary after I woke up and published it, because wherever you might be, I figured it could catch your attention. And I even went to that humiliating show, because I was goddamn _desperate_ to find you!" Kanda inhaled a deep breath, before finishing his explanation, "Now I sound like a goddamn sentimental idiot and I really, really, really don't want to fight right now. I… _I missed you_."

Allen blinked his eyes, stunned and , "Kanda… You were away for a year. I've changed… and I have a life here now."

Kanda furrowed his eyebrows, as he leaned down and his nose touched Allen's. They breathed same air for a moment, both of them clutching to one another. Kanda licked his lips, before pressing them against Allen's, gently pushing the back of white-haired man's head harder against the sand, while sucking on his bottom lip.

"But you don't mind me doing this?" Kanda asked bitterly.

Allen gasped when Kanda slid his hand under his drenched shirt and touched his abdomen, "No… Kanda… I'm sorry, I…"

"S-Shut up!!" Kanda pressed his palm against Allen's mouth to keep him from saying anything, "I didn't come all the way here to hear _that_. I came to get you home— we can go back to where we left off. Everyone is waiting to see you again! So don't tell me you are serious about staying here…!"

Allen simply stared emptily at Kanda, knowing exactly why he needed to stay, but on the other hand he had so many reasons to go with Kanda. But just when he was close to reaching some sort of peace of mind, he didn't want to risk everything. Twelve months was a long time, especially when Allen had thought that Kanda was already dead.

When Allen remained quiet, Kanda's expression became unreadable. He removed his hand from Allen's mouth and stood up slowly and without saying a word, he turned around and started walking away.

Allen sat on the sand, his conscience screaming at him. He grew more and more aware of the fact that he wasn't doing the right thing. But this was how it had always been between them— the odds were always against them. Whenever their paths were about to collide, there was something or someone blocking the way. Or were all of the obstacles merely in Allen's head?

Allen stood up, when Kanda was already about to disappear from his sight. He wanted to run after him, to tackle him to the ground. But what would Link say?

"Kanda…" Allen whispered and gritted his teeth.

They had to be worth more than this.

* * *

Tiedoll glanced at his watch, tapping his foot against the asphalt. Even though Kanda was unpredictable to some degree, he almost always kept his promises. It was not like him to make Tiedoll wait. And he had been waiting in front of the pub for quite a while now.

But there was also another man, anxiously checking his cell phone and watch every once in a while. Tiedoll walked closer to the lanky blond man with two moles in the middle of his forehead.

"Are you waiting for someone too?" Tiedoll asked casually, "You've been standing here longer than me."

The blond man turned to look at him. He nodded his head vaguely, "Uh, yes. I'm getting worried though, he's not answering the phone… we just recently moved here and he has a terrible sense of direction, so he might've gotten himself lost.."

"Is that so?" Tiedoll held his chin, "Sounds like someone I used to know."

"I'm sorry, but I doubt you know him. Me and Allen have been traveling around for a while before settling down here. He never talks about his past, but he isn't the most social type, not nowadays at the least."

"A-Allen…?" Tiedoll choked. The blond gave him a weird look and Tiedoll quickly shook his head, "Ah, it's nothing." He thought for a moment, before he opened his shoulder bag and took out a book. He offered it to the man and said, "Why don't you take this and read it when you have time. I think you might find it useful in the near future."

"_Splitting Sky_? I'm interested in literature, but I don't think that I should take a book from a stranger."

"No need to be modest. Now, what do you say we went inside already and got something to drink? Standing out here and waiting sure gets my throat dry."

"I suppose I can't turn down that offer, can I?"

* * *

One week later Allen was sitting by a kitchen table, trying to focus on the newspaper he was reading. But ever since Kanda had come back into his life, he found it hard to concentrate on anything.

Allen was too deep in his thoughts to hear Link enter their kitchen. The blond man was standing by the doorway, staring at Allen.

"You're not happy here."

Allen raised his head slowly and looked at Link, "…Excuse me?"

"I read this one book. I got it from a man, who later introduced himself as your former psychotherapist." Link walked to the table and sat down on in front of Allen, "Allen… You know that I could never keep you here against your own free will. You can't always think of other's feelings, because you know how it will devastate you in the end."

Allen stared at Link, a sad frown on his face, "What are you talking about?"

Link reached out across the table and touched Allen's hand, which was resting on the table, "I love you. You know that I would fetch a star from the sky for you, if you only wanted me to. I don't want us to pretend to be happy any longer. I want us to be able to look at each other in the future with no regrets."

"Link…" Was all Allen could say. Upon hearing Link's words, he started to wonder if following your heart was such a big mistake. There would always be causalities, no matter how well you planned your each move.

"He is leaving today. You should hurry— I paid your cab already and it's waiting outside already." Link said with a faint smile. When Allen simply sat there, petrified, Link furrowed his eyebrows and commanded, "Go."

"Link… I don't know what to say." Allen stood up hesitantly, "…Thank you."

Link merely nodded his head, as Allen walked past him. He walked to the bathroom and grabbed his medicines, before heading for the door and taking his coat on the way out. Just like Link had said, he found the cab already waiting outside their apartment. He looked back over his shoulder and saw Link standing by the window on the second floor, smiling.

Before stepping into the cab, Allen pressed his fingertips against his lips and blew a quick kiss to Link. The man by the window pretended to catch the kiss and put it in his pocket.

Then Allen sat down in the car and after slamming the door shut, the driver immediately sped off towards the destination Link had already told him.

Allen closed his eyes and leaned his back more comfortably against the seat. The weight on his heart rolled off, as he realized he was going home.

He felt bad for leaving Link behind, but he knew that one person's crime will eventually lead to a great happiness for someone, somewhere. It is how the universe works— what is taken from you, you'll get back in one way or another, but only if you're ready to accept the compensation as it comes.

Allen had done so many things wrong during his life, but the conclusion wasn't always negative. And now, after so many stupid mistakes, Allen was finally choosing the right choice for himself.

Life wasn't all that complicated. But fools like Allen only made it so.

Eventually the cab reached the airport. Allen jumped out and dashed toward the entrance. The airport was filled with people from different places, speaking different languages. There were family reunions and melancholic partings and there were chance encounters and hectic tourists. And they were all happening under the same roof, so close to each other.

Allen searched for Kanda with his eyes. He hoped he wasn't too late.

Suddenly he spotted a long black ponytail in the crowd. His heart leaped to his throat and he started to make his way through the crowd. It was already noisy in the terminal, but Allen tried to yell out the other one's name anyway, "Kanda! _Kanda Yu_!!"

Kanda kept walking forward with the mass of people. Allen elbowed his way faster in the middle of people, gradually closing the distance between him and Kanda.

"Kanda!!" He screamed at the top of his lungs.

Kanda stopped and turned around. As he saw Allen, he frowned and started walking back, disturbing the flow of people, who were giving him angry glares for walking in the wrong direction.

"Beansprout?" Kanda said, as he had almost reached Allen, "What are you—…?"

Allen threw himself against Kanda, putting his arms around the taller man's neck. Kanda dropped his sports bag, as he returned Allen's embrace.

"You came to see me off?" Kanda asked.

"No, I changed my mind! I'm sorry about all the things I said— I don't know what I was thinking. I know now what is important and what I want… I know we are worth more than a miserable ending." Allen inhaled a deep breath, giving Kanda a questioning look, "I know you're mad at me, but I just wanted to say that… I missed you too and I want to come with you."

Kanda stared at Allen and the latter one could swear he saw the other one's dark eyes getting slightly damp. But Kanda let out a small laugh and untied his arms around Allen and took a step back, "You are so unpredictable."

"I'm sorry." Allen looked up at the man he loved and wasn't afraid to proclaim his feelings, "I love you. I want to be with you."

Allen knew he had professed his love many times before, but Kanda still seemed slightly shaken upon hearing it.

"I guess that's fair enough." Kanda picked up his bag from the floor and rolled his eyes. He offered Allen his hand and smiled faintly, "Let's go home."

Allen took Kanda's hand gladly, as they started to walk forward with no need to look back.

Allen knew that eventually their past mistakes might once again catch up with them and history would repeat itself. But maybe next time they could stand together and they would stand tall.

That's when Allen knew that Kanda was his compensation for everything he had ever lost.

* * *

_Mana held Allen's hand, as they were walking away from the tombstone._

"_Your actions are like footprints. Whenever you make a choice, you'll leave an imprint behind that will be a part of the same large path everyone is walking. Whether the footprint is only a faint mark in mud or crack in a stone, the things you do can't be undone. Therefore it is important that in the future, we make sure to leave good footprints behind."_

_Allen tried to understand. But he knew that Mana was right, therefore he committed those words to his memory._

"_Allen, don't worry your head with it too much." Mana smiled down at the young boy, "I'm sure that as long as you remember to follow your heart without losing the sight of the reality, you will leave great imprints behind._

* * *

_"I'm sorry to tell you this, boy, but there was an accident. Mana is dead."_

-

The End.

* * *

Ending notes:

Phew. This is by far the longest chapter I've ever written. And it took me unfairly long to write too. But now that it is finally finished, I'm very satisfied. It felt like I was writing this thing all day and night without any progress.

I'm stunned by all the positive feedback I have received and I'm very thankful for it. Thank you for all your kind reviews, because they really kept me determined to finish this story.

If you want to read more stories by yours truly, be my guest. I'm currently working on a new story and if I like it enough, I'll put it on .

Thank you for reading and stay tuned!

P.S. I had to reupload the chapter several times because kept raping it.


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